The Family: The Torrances

The Issues: As we’ve learned by the end of the film, the father is a gibbering filicidal maniac, his son is a telepathic indoor cycling enthusiast who suffers nightmarish hallucinations on an almost hourly basis, and the mother is a pallid screechy emotional wreck with little ability to intervene as her cosy familial bubble bursts gorily in her face.

Oh, sure, everyone blames the hotel...but c’mon, we’ve all suffered less-than-five-star service at one time or other, and yet very few of us have ever put a fire axe through the chef.

Would Therapy Help? Sadly, it’d be about as much use as a candyfloss kayak. The best policy here is probably to whisk mum away on some sort of witness relocation programme.

Meanwhile, let's ensnare the kid in a strip-lit underground research bunker somewhere (sorry, but he freaks us right out), and strap dad’s frozen cadaver to the nose of a rocket aimed directly at the sun.

Although to be honest, even the thought of him temporarily thawing out millions of miles above the earth still gives us the skids...