15 Awesomely Stupid Movie Weapons
Lawgivers to Lightsabers, the dumbest guns in town...
BY Aug 21st 2009 10:10AMFILED UNDER: Features
User Comments (5)
After growing up on a binge diet of action movies, we've seen our fair share of movie weaponry. These range from the conventional to the sublime, to the brain-bustingly ridiculous.
Inspired by our recent look at Awesomely Stupid Movie Fight Scenes, we thought we'd cast a disbelieving eye over the movie weapons that are implausibly spectacular and brilliantly bogus.
Weather Machine
The Movie: The Avengers (1998)
The Weapon: In case it isn’t abundantly clear by the title, this machine can control the weather, creating any condition the operator chooses in any climate zone, season or horrendously awful action movie.
Why It’s Awesomely Stupid: Come on, a machine that can control the weather? Even if it were possible, using it just once could have catastrophic ramifications for the global climate.
Making it sunny on British summer day sure sounds tempting, but if that throws the rest of the world in into an endless winter and Britain into a baking desert landscape, what then?
The only reason it sounds in anyway threatening, despite it’s massively implausible existence, is that Connery is chewing so much scenery when he makes his threat that you fear for the very fabric of space time.
Just for argument’s sake, what kind of typically Scottish name is de Wynter? It sounds Dutch, and lord knows the Dutch don’t have time to make contraptions that threaten the global status quo.
Perhaps that is why Connery is wearing the kilt, incase the Scottish brogue didn’t give the game away, a scene where he gets blind drunk and eats a deep fried Penguin bar was apparently cut out.
The could have at least made his name McWinter, and thought of a better bloody weapon, like bottles of Scotch that when ingested cause folk to combust. That would have terrified the tears out of hard-drinking totalfilm.com.
De-Evolution Gun
The Movie: Super Mario Brothers (1993)
The Weapon: The De-Evolution Gun (or Devo Gun – no relation to the 80s pop group unfortunately), does exactly what it says on the tin. One blast from this writer’s device and you will devolve into whatever species you evolved from.
Why It’s Awesomely Stupid: What possible use, military or otherwise, does this have?
Sure science types might like one, but on the battlefield hitting a legion on troops with this will just leave you with a thousand angry apes armed to the teeth with no sense of moral obligation and itchy trigger fingers. Messy.
On second thoughts, how awesome would it be to walk around with one of this bad-boys, smiting your foes from the day to day rat race. Devolve your boss next time he gets on your case, or the wanker on the train who chews too loudly.
Can’t imagine that law-types will have too many crimes they can charge you with here, after all, technically you won’t have killed anybody, and we don’t remember hearing of a life-sentence for mass-devolving.
In summary, sign us up, sounds like just what the daily commute to work requires.
Next: Bowler Hat, Rail Gun
Print Comments (5)
1: Aberskene says
As for the Judge Dredd gun...he's also wearing gloves!!
Posted: Aug 21st 2009 // 3:41PMAlert a moderator
2: Jaymo says
I loved Runaway. It was like Magnum in space or something.....
Posted: Aug 22nd 2009 // 8:58PMAlert a moderator
3: RobWinton says
Ah, but something DOES stop the lightsaber going on forever. It's actually a beam that bends around and terminates back in the hilt... which is MUCH more plausible... right?
Posted: Aug 24th 2009 // 11:33AMAlert a moderator
4: dgoodswen says
Ah, the old 'particle chainsaw' theory... yeah, totally plausible...
Posted: Aug 24th 2009 // 4:20PMAlert a moderator
5: metalgatesolid says
Im sorry...The lightsabre, the weapon we all think we have if we hve a stick or long cardboard tube, the weapon everyone wished they had is the ultimate stupid movie weapon!!??? Dam you total film, DAM YOOOOOOOU!!
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