The Kidnappers: Middle-aged, impotent-rage-filled, cuckold East Ender Colin Diamond (Ray Winstone) and his attendent flock of equally unsavoury Sarf Lahndan chum(p)s, played by a handful of brilliant brits including John Hurt, Ian McShane and Tom Wilkinson. We think Gary Oldman was busy.

The Kidnappee: The ill-advised Gallic 'Loverboy' (Melvil Poupaud) being quite thoroughly enjoyed by Diamond's wife Liz (Joanne Whalley).

Does It End Well? We're not going to ruin this one as it's out on Friday, but there are going to be spoilers from here on in. Funny spoilers, but spoilers all the same. Consider yourself warned...