Christmas is coming and it's time to compile your Christmas list if you haven't sent it off to Santa already.
Just make sure you don't accidentally add any of the following...
20. Twlight: New Moon Jacob Action Figure
Why We Don’t Want It: Okay, so we’re not exactly the prime target market for this one.
There's only a 70% chance our mums will accidentally get it for us. But even the tweens with it tattooed on their Christmas lists will be disappointed.
Because it seems to have missed the main point of the character – Jacob spends most of the runtime of New Moon with his top off. As you can’t remove his plastic t-shirt, this toy is totally pointless.
19. Beowulf: The Movie Boardgame
Why We Don’t Want It: Can you imagine families arguing who gets to be Ray Winstone on Boxing Day?
We have no idea who decided to create a game based on Zemeckis’ desperately dull 3D flick.
Oh wait, no-one did, this is simply an old game called Kingdoms with Beowulf branding. Absolutely rubbish.
Also, despite the fact it’s been out for a year, it has no user reviews on Amazon. We think that’s because no-one’s actually ever played it.
Next: 18 - 17[page-break]
18. Ozymandias Action Figure
Why We Don’t Want It: From the world’s first adult comic-book movie comes a toy kids won’t want to play with.
It might be the greatest graphic novel ever written, but the figure looks like it belongs in the bargain bin, along with the Batman & Robin action men it so closely resembles.
The book contains a chapter that satirises action figures like this. Alan Moore must be spinning in his bedsit.
17. Saw Cuddly Toy
Why We Don’t Want It: Cuddly toys are meant to be cute, right?
You’re meant to want to hug teddy-bears, not chuck them out of the window screaming with terror.
Now that we’ve seen it, if we get a gift that even feels like it could be the squidgy shape of the psycho puppet from Saw, we’ll set it on fire.Then we'll construct an elaborate trap for whoever bought it for us.
Next: 16 - 15[page-break]
16. Ron Weasley Wand
Why We Don’t Want It: “Wow, thanks nan! I’ve always wanted a Harry Potter wand! Who’s is it? Harry’s? No? Voldemort’s? No? Okay, I suppose Hermione’s pretty cool… *looks at the front of the box* Oh. *snap*.
15. The Flash Motorcycle
Why We Don’t Want It: The Flash movie is currently at the scripting stage. But we really hope that writer Dan Mazeau hasn’t gone to his local toy store in the name of research.
Because if there’s one thing the fastest man on earth doesn’t need, it’s a motorcycle.
It’s like giving a helicopter to Superman, some cellotape to Spiderman, scuba gear to Aquaman, or a book on divorce to Madonna. Utterly pointless.
Next: 14 - 13[page-break]
14. The Exorcist: Reagan On The Stairs Action Figure
Why We Don’t Want It: Aren’t toys meant to be fun? What in the name of Satan's Hell are we going to do with this one?
After about 30 seconds of pretending to send little Reagan up and down some stairs, we’re done. Okay, maybe we can turn her the right way up and send her tobogganing. But that's it.
13. Sex and The City Trivia Game
Why We Don’t Want It: This might look like the perfect present for the Sex & The City fan in your family, but take a glance at the user reviews on Amazon.
With glowing recommendations such as: “The cards are to be collected based on answering questions about the series but some of the answers are just wrong!”
“Like another reviewer here I have checked out the answers I felt suspicious about by rewatching episodes and I was correct.”
We’re pretty sure a genuine S&TC fan would rather receive a knock-off designer track-suit than this load of old rubbish.
Next: 12 - 11[page-break]
12. The Golden Compass Movie Game
Why We Don’t Want It: The film was so boring that it killed a franchise some people were touting as the next Harry Potter.
We can’t imagine that the board game will be any more fun.
We’ll probably just stick to our Lord Of The Rings Trivial Pursuit, if that’s okay with you.
11.Oliver Hardy Action Figure
Why We Don’t Want It: There’s nothing wrong with the idea of an Oliver Hardy Action figure – Laurel and Hardy are brilliant.
But did they have to make him black and white? This looks less like Hardy in the prime of his career as some sort of fat Hitler zombie that crawled out of the grave yesterday.
Next: 10 - 9[page-break]
10. Operation - Spider-Man Origins Edition
Why We Don’t Want It: Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man flick told Peter Parker’s origin story masterfully.
But we don’t remember the bit when Spidey had to have his bones taken out by Doctor Octopus.
It’s not our place to suggest that this looks like a shameless cash-in, but this looks like a shameless cash-in.
9. Mutt Williams Action Figure
Why We Don’t Want It: On first glance, this looks like a constipated Hogwarts student trying to use his wand to open a loo door. Take a closer look, and you’ll see that it’s meant to be Shia LaBeouf holding a flick-knife.
We’re not sure who decided to sign off on a kids’ toy containing a replica flick-knife. Probably the same bloke who gave the nod to Jar Jar. We like the nuclear fridge replica, though, That one’s awesome.
Next: 8 - 7[page-break]
8. Emmett Cullen Mug
Why We Don’t Want It: Okay, so we’d understand an Edward mug. Bella, fine. But Emmett? Who the Dracula is Emmett Cullen?
If people want to cash-in on Twilight that badly, why stop at Emmett? Make a mug based on Bella’s mum, one of the extras, the best boy, and us for reviewing it.
Oh, and the less said about the design the better. It looks like something an angry goth doodled on an exercise book.
7. Candyman 3 Action Figure
Why We Don’t Want It: We get a sense of perverse delight from the fact there’s a Tony Todd toy in the world, but did it really have to be based on the awful second sequel to the brilliant original Candyman?
It’s not as if the character drastically changed over the course of the trilogy. Were the rights to the third film that much cheaper than the first?
Whatever, we’d be proud to receive a Candyman action figure. A Candyman 3 action figure? Not so much…
Next: 6 - 5[page-break]
6. Finding Neverland Leicester Square Mug
Why We Don’t Want It: Let’s take this one in stages. Even if Johnny Depp was our favourite actor ever, even if Finding Neverland was our favourite film ever, hell, even if we directed Finding Neverland...
…Why on earth would we want to pay good money to own a mug with an awkwardly posed picture from the premiere printed on it? Utterly bizarre.
We genuinely found this on Amazon. It can be yours for a penny shy of TEN POUNDS. Bargain.
5. Slave Leia Bobble Head
Why We Don’t Want It: Because it turns one of our teenage crushes into Princess Anne in a split skirt. Next!
Next: 4 - 3[page-break]
4. Hannah Montana Limited Signature Edition Pop Tour Guitar Video Game
Why We Don’t Want It: Picture the scene. You get a package that looks and feels like Guitar Hero. You tear the paper. You start at the bottom right corner. You see a guitar-shaped joy-pad. You punch the air in triumph.
Then, you remove the rest of the paper, you pull your present out of the box, see what it actually is, and you smash it on the ground like it’s Sid Vicious’ bass because no-one in their right or wrong mind wants a version of Guitar Hero that only plays Hannah Montana songs.
3. Rocky Meat Action Figure
Why We Don’t Want It: It’s a piece of plastic shaped like a slab of meat. It doesn’t do anything. Someone is actually trying to sell you a piece of plastic meat.
It’s either the stupidest thing we’ve ever seen, or the cleverest.
Next: 2 - 1[page-break]
2. Jumper: Griffin’s Story: Nintendo Wii Videogame
Why We Don’t Want It: Seriously, who actually cares what Griffin’s story is? Who is Griffin, anyway? Was he Anakin Skywalker or Billy Elliot?
Whoever you are, your film was rubbish and your game is worse.
Congratulations on replacing Atari ET as the worst videogame of all time and please shut the door on your way out.
1. Twilight Cookbook
Why We Don’t Want It: What do vampires eat? Human blood. Now, we’re not vegetarians, but a vampire cookbook crosses a very serious line. Someone should hunt down the cannibals responsible for this atrocity and lock them…
Oh, wait, it’s just a collection of recipes for things like pizza and lasagne that are named after Twilight characters. We still don’t want it for Christmas.
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