Shaggy Dog Stories

So Pat says, he says, "They got this new bar... and you go inside and for half a buck you get a beer, a free lunch and they take you in the back room - they get you laid..."

Mike says, "Now wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you mean to say there's a new bar and you go inside and for a half a buck they give you a beer, a free lunch and they take you in the back room and they get you laid?"

Pat says, "That's right." "Have you ever been in the bar?"

And he says, "No, but me sister has."
-The Verdict



This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away.

He says, "Now wait, let me get this strait. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says, "That's right."

Bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go. Here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's lookin' at the glass, man. He's thinkin' about the glass. He's thinkin' about the glass. Glass. He's thinkin' about the glass, glass. Thinkin' about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. And then, *foosh*, he lets it rip.

And he pisses all over the place, man. He's pissin' on the bar. He pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's pissing everywhere *except* the fucking glass! Right? Okay. So, bartender, he's laughing his fuckin' ass off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Piss dripping off his face. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You fucking idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 punta." Guy goes, "Excuse me just one-one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, 300."

And the bartender's like, "What the f**k are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy."
- Desperado



There's an old couple in bed. Mary and Paddy. And they wake up on the morning their... fiftieth anniversary.

And Mary looks over and gazes adoringly at Paddy, she's like, "Aw, Jesus, Paddy. You're such a good lookin' feller. I love you. I want to give you a little present. Anything your little heart desires, I'm going to give it to ya'. What would you like?"

And Paddy's like, "Aw, gee, Mary, that's a very sweet offer. Now, in fifty years, there's one thing that's been missing. And uh... I would like you to give me a blow job. I would like that."

And Mary's like, "All right." She takes her teeth out, puts them in the glass and she gives him a blow job.

And afterwards, Paddy's like, "Ah, geez, now THAT's what I've been missin'. That was the most beautiful, Earth-shatterin' thing ever. Beautiful Mary, I love ya'! Is there anything that I can do for you?"

And Mary looks up at him and she goes, [letting beer spill out of her mouth] "Give us a kiss!"
- Good Will Hunting



So Superman is out flying around one day, horny as hell, and he sees Wonder Woman sunning herself naked on top of the Justice League.

She's laying out there all naked and spread eagle, and Superman says, "I have GOT to get me some of that Wonder P***y." Then it occurs to him, he can just fly down, get in a few quick pumps, and be gone before anyone notices anything because he's Superman, right? She he flies down real quick, does his thing, and is gone in a flash. Wonder Woman sits up real quick and says, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man replies, "I don't know, but my arse is killing me."
- Hollow Man

Like This? Then try...

• The 20 Most Misquoted Movie Lines
• 10 Movie Lessons Tested
• 7 Imaginary Movie Friends We Wish Were Real

Sign up for our free weekly newsletter here. 

Follow us on Twitter here.