Pirates have jumped ship from the movies and into the real world by hijacking a massive oil tanker in the Indian Ocean.
But they’ve left something behind – their eye-patches. We’re not sure why. Perhaps they’re worried they’ll look a bit clichéd. They’re wrong.
When they inevitably get caught, the sea police are going to throw the book at them.
Why? Because the eye-patch is the most soulful part of the pirate's wardrobe – it’s the bit that makes us go, "Woah, that guy may have a parrot in his pocket, and he might have just chopped my mate’s head off, but he’s cool and sensitive. C’mon, ocean officer. Let this bloke off. All he did was steal a big boat."
Don’t believe us? Here's proof - a list of eye-patchy twats we can’t help but hug...
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)
Why we should hate him: He's a ruddy Klingon! They’re the Nazis of space!
Why the soulful eyepatch makes us want to hold him: It’s hard to stay angry at General Chang for long. No matter what he does - whether he’s trying to frame Kirk and McCoy, kill a Federation President, or quoting bloody Shakespeare, we can’t help but want to hold his bald head to our bosom.
See, Chang doesn’t just wear an eye-patch - the thing’s bolted to his face. That’s how committed he is to the concept. That’s soul, my friends. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.
Escape From New York (1981)
Why we should hate him: Snake’s possibly the most aggressive character in history. Every line is an insult, spoken out of the side of his grizzled, unshaven gob. He’s such a bastard - spoiler alert – he causes the end of civilisation as we know it, for a bit of a laugh.
Why the soulful eyepatch makes us want to hold him: Snake’s a futuristic super-criminal – he has no need for an eye-patch. There’s probably a gang of robot doctors beating down his door, desperate to patch up his dodgy cornea.
But he’s chosen the path of the patch for a very simple reason. He's using it as a shield, to hide the sadness in his eye. If ever a chap used aggression as a defence mechanism, it's Snake. The patch is just a part of that process.
In the absence of a twinkle in his eye, he’s got an eye-patch - the coolest movie accessory since the chainsaw. If you have trouble connecting with your fellow man, we advise you do the same.
Marshall Reuben J. 'Rooster' Cogburn
True Grit (1969)
Why we should hate him: It was the first time John Wayne played an anti-hero. John Wayne, the behatted emblem of everything that’s strong and good about the universe (well, the Old West), playing a drunken idiot. There should have been riots.
Why the soulful eyepatch makes us want to hold him: But there were no riots. Why? We’ll give you three guesses. Okay, one... It was the eye-patch.
The eye-strap in True Grit alluded to a dark past; a painful history that drove Rooster to drink, which is what really made him such an arse.
It’s a key element of a complex performance that won Wayne his only Oscar. We’ve never seen his acceptance speech, but we’re pretty sure he thanked the eye-patch.
Colonel von Stauffenberg
Why we should hate him: He's a ruddy Nazi! They’re the Klingons of the past! Also, Tom Cruise.
Why the soulful eyepatch makes us want to hold him: Von Stauffenberg was a real person, which means that his eye-patch was the really real reason he decided to give up being a Nazi and kill Hitler.
Seriously, before the accident that took his eyeball, he was an actual Nazi. Afterwards, he was a pretend Nazi, with the sole aim of sending Hitler back to Hell where he belonged. You do the maths.
Kill Bill (2003)
Why we should hate her: Some characters are composed of light and shade – not Elle Driver, she’s all darkness; bad to the bone and the stuff that’s actually in the bone, the marrow or whatever. That’s how bad she is.
Why the soulful eye-patch makes us want to hold her: Actually, we don’t. Maybe this thing only works for men. Go figure.
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