The Boat That Rocked floats into cinemas today, and while Nick Frost, Bill Nighy, Philip Seymour Hoffman and co take a decent stab at wild DJ antics, there's plenty of movie DJs that could probably have done a better job.
But, for one reason or another, they didn't get invited onboard.
We've compiled a playlist of microphone bellowers Richard Curtis would probably rather see walk the plank than appear in one of his movies.
The DJ: Ralph Waldo “Petey” Greene Jr (Don Cheadle)
The Film: Talk To Me (2007)
Listener Reaction: Mixed. While producer Dewey Hughes (Chiwetel Ejiofor) fights Petey’s Corner, others – such as radio station manager EG Sonderling (Martin Sheen) are less convinced.
But, just as he did in real life, Petey froths up his audience with a blistering mix of civil rights and wild man shtick.
What He’d Bring To The Boat: A cause a little bit more important than the right to play The Kinks.
Why Richard Curtis Wouldn't Let Him Onboard: He's black. Have you seen Notting Hill? (though, to be fair, he did make up for that one earlier this year)
The DJ: Adrian Cronauer (Robin Williams)
The Film: Good Morning Vietnam (1987)
Listener Reaction: Army strong, and not in a good way. Despite his morale boosting, comedy-spouting ways boosting morale among regular troops, the likes of Lt Steven Hauk (Bruno Kirby) and Sergeant Major Dickinson are outraged with his “modern music” and irreverent style.
He’s eventually forced off the air, so he’d definitely be available for work.
What He’d Bring To The Boat: Irrepressible Robin Williams style, which includes his many impressions – if any of the other DJs are sick, he can always impersonate them.
Plus, he has military training (not much, but some) so if the authorities try to take the boat down, he’d defend it with his life. Or just bark weird accents at them until they go away.
Why Richard Curtis Wouldn't Let Him Onboard: He's incredibly annoying. Actually, we're with Richard on this one.
The DJ: Unnamed K-Billy disc-spinner (Steven Wright)
The Film: Reservoir Dogs (1992)
Listener Reaction: He’s the voice that psychos love to slice ears to! At least, he is in Quentin Tarantino’s world. Mr Blonde (Michael Madsen) tunes in when he’s interrogating a cop he thinks might have information about the botched heist that’s just gone down.
Fortunately for the K-Billy team, the only interaction with the audience is over the radio waves.
What He’d Bring To The Boat: Steven Wright’s so-laconic-it’s-nearly-asleep voice could be perfect for the midnight shift.
And he’s also got great taste in music. Stealers Wheel, anyone?
Why Richard Curtis Wouldn't Let Him Onboard: He might inspire Philip Seymour Hoffman to take a blade to the ears of his fellow DJs which, obviously, would be terrible.
The DJ: Howard Stern (Stern plays himself)
The Film: Private Parts (1997)
Listener Reaction: It’s Howard Stern. How do you think people react? Many love his mixture of crazed antics, offbeat characters and impertinent questions, though just about every boss he’s ever worked for wants to kill him.
He even goes too far with those around him – you wouldn’t catch Terry Wogan making jokes about his wife’s miscarriage, now would you?
What He’d Bring To The Boat: A massive audience, for one. Since Stern is a real life, still-working DJ, any radio station would love to have him step aboard.
And the beauty of the Boat’s pirate set up is that Stern would be freed from any regulations. Think of the madness!
Why Richard Curtis Wouldn't Let Him Onboard: There's a couple of swear words in The Boat That Rocked, and a bit of heavy breathing from Rhys Ifans. However, if Stern was on the boat, that's pretty much all that would be broadcast.
The DJ: Hard Harry (Christian Slater)
The Film: Pump Up The Volume (1990)
Listener Reaction: Shy student Mark Hunter becomes another person when he gets behind the microphone of his rogue transmitter. Hard Harry is born – an iconoclastic, outspoken rage monkey who drives his audience wild and stuffy adults to distraction.
Unfortunately, not everyone is hip to his groove – one student in the local Arizona town he broadcasts in commits suicide, despite Hunter’s best efforts.
What He’d Bring To The Boat: He’s got the requisite experience with pirate radio stations, though we’d have him keep away from the touchier subjects.
No one needs a radio station that drives people to off themselves. talkSPORT is punishment enough.
Why Richard Curtis Wouldn't Let Him Onboard: He's a little bit too dark for Curtis' Boat. Also, his early '90s attire probably wouldn't fit the '60s vibe.
The DJ: Barry Champlain (Eric Bogosian)
The Film: Talk Radio (1988)
Listener Reaction: Eech… His Libertarian-flavoured, foul-mouthed views on all aspects of life have made him hugely popular, but usually in a love-to-hate way.
Lambasting almost everyone who calls in, Barry’s unapologetic style leads to a bomb threat from one irate listener.
What He’d Bring To The Boat: He’d be a tough fit because he’d probably dump the playlist overboard.
And if he insults the wrong listeners, a torpedo to the hull could be the result.
Why Richard Curtis Wouldn't Let Him Onboard: Somehow, we don't hear Hugh Grant bellowing: "You revel in floods, car accidents, unstoppable diseases, you're happiest when others are in pain. I'm here to lead you by the hands through the dark forest of your own hatred, anger and humiliation." at a bunch of '60s schoolgirls.
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