After what seems like decades of waiting, Watchmen is finally out today.
Zack Snyder has said that even if the film is a success, he doesn’t think it should ever get a sequel and that he’d never be involved.
Still, the studio accountants, always on the lookout for the next cash-spewing franchise opportunity, might take a different view...
Here's six terrible Watchmen sequel ideas we thunk up this morning...
It’s enough to make Alan Moore dig his own grave and install a little turntable so he can rotate at the required speed…
Watchmen 2: The Wrath Of Rorschach
The Pitch: We last saw Rorschach exploderised into a load of bloody guts ‘n’ stuff by Dr Manhattan in the snowy wastes of Antarctica.
But that’s not the end of his story… Turns out that roving scientist Dr Hans Ethics-Frei discovered the remains while on a trip to inject penguins with a mutated rabies virus.
He takes a sample and decides to clone our favourite masked vigilante, but an error in the DNA processing turns a he into a she. Rorschach’s back - and this time he's a girl!
The Director: Jan De Bont casts Halle Berry in the newly feminised lead role (Rorschach’s famous inkblots now swirl over Berrys boobies).
Watchmen: The Last Stand
The Pitch: The world has turned even further against our heroes since last we saw them.
With world peace breaking out everywhere, humanity still needs someone to fight – and Dr Manhattan is nowhere to be found (he’s literally sunbathing on the surface of our star).
Outnumbered and hunted down, Dan Dreiberg (Pierce Brosnan) and Laurie Jupiter (Paris Hilton) must fight for their lives.
The Director: Brett Ratner agrees to take on one more third outing in a superhero franchise, much to fans’ dismay.
The sort-of gritty battle fought by Dan and Laurie is intercut with Dr M’s sunny vacation, where specially created supermodel types frolic among the solar flares and the man himself decides to model himself after a certain '80s action icon...
Watchmen: The Next Generation
The Pitch: Laurie and Dan Dreiberg are happily married and retired from the superhero game.
They warn their kids – Danny Jr (Zac Efron) and Silky (Paris Hilton, again) – to not try and emulate them.
Wrong tactic! The pair gets into all sorts of zany scrapes with the help of wacky grandma Sally (a CG Carla Gugino).
The Director: Robert Rodriguez, who takes his Spy Kids approach... Shot entirely in front of green screens, it’s presented in the brand new five-dimensional super surround sound-o-vision.
Watchmen: The Manhattan Project
The Pitch: Dr M, now returned from outer space, is trying to reconnect with his humanity… With hilarious results!
Chortle as the bumbling, ultra-powered demi-God (Woody Allen) clumsily evaporates the waiter on a first date! Giggle as a single ill-suppressed bum-fart creates a tidal wave that wipes out New York. Again.
The Director: The Farrelly Brothers, who make sure the character’s big blue swinging cock is caught in at least five doors during the first 17 minutes.
Oh, and there could be a touching storyline about Manhattan helping out mentally damaged pets.
The Pitch: 25 years after the original groundbreaking film, it’s time to re-invent the characters for a whole new generation!
This entirely CG ‘toon takes the origin story found in the comic-book and gives it a twist – everyone has actual superpowers! Imagine the chaos!
The Director: Frank Miller, building on the massive success of his hugely popular brain-implanted holographic remake of The Spirit, turns his hands to the cartoon world.
The ghost of Alan Moore rises up and strangles him with his beard.
Watchmen Episode I: The Minutemenace
The Pitch: Yep - it's prequel time, as the studio decides to power up the flux capacitor and take a longer look at the (mis)adventures of the original crime-catching crew.
A significant re-write means the story no longer actually fits into Watchmen continuity, but no-one involved with the production seems to mind.
The Director: The cyborg-mounted head of George Lucas is at the helm, calling the shots via a remote link to his Skywalker Moon Base.
In the plot, we meet Silhouette (a clone of Paris Hilton - again) and Hooded Justice, who meet, fall in love and ultimately plan to rule the world. Or something… George doesn’t really care. Just check out the amazing, 20-dimension effects and shit!
Liked This? Then see:
- 9 Watchmen Facts You Need To Know
- 14 Utterly Bizarre Watchmen Collectibles
- Exclusive: Why Alan Moore Hates Comic-Book Movies
- The Top 17 Non-heavy Metal Heavy Metal Movies (on our sister site, Metal Hammer)
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