With Mike Newell in talks to direct Jerry Bruckheimer’s new take on The Lone Ranger, we thought it was high time to start fantasy casting the masked hero.
But why should you care about The Lone Ranger?
Well, Johnny Depp’s playing Native American sidekick Tonto. And the last Bruckheimer produced Disney flick to feature Depp was Pirates Of The Caribbean.
But The Lone Ranger could be better than Pirates, because the one thing that franchise didn't have was a decent lead (sorry Orlando).
So this is Jerry's opportunity to put right what once went wrong. If he can convince anyone to sign up for it, that is...
1. The Big Name
Hi Ho! He's the Cary Grant of our generaton. Jerry should be showering him with gifts of pigs and left-wing political biopics to convince him to take part.
Hi No! He'd rather hop onto the back of a motorbike than on the back of a franchise horse these days. We all remember what happened the last time he wore a mask. Mainly because he won't shut up about it.
He didn't enjoy the experience, in case you haven't already heard.
Sadly, we reckon if Bruckheimer came to Clooney's front door with a contract, George would pelt him with basketballs until he went away.
2. The New Face
Hi Ho! Sam's going to me a massive star and he's proved that he's prepared to put on ridiculous outfits by signing on for Clash Of The Titans. And we reckon Worthington would be the ultimate straight man to Depp's inevitable wacky take on Tonto. Jerry would be lucky to get him.
Hi No! He's already got the blockbuster section of his CV pretty covered - Terminator Salvation, Avatar and Clash Of The Titans will all have opened before Ranger.
If Jerry came to him with a contract, Sam would probably ask James Cameron to direct him bashing Bruckheimer with Terminator skulls until he went away. In 3D.
3. The Warrior
Hi Ho! He’s got the horse experience and plenty of skills thanks to his LOTR days. Plus, while he’s found some decent roles in the likes of Eastern Promises and – hopefully – The Road later this year, he could do with a big hit.
Hi No! He could be tempted by the draw of Depp, but we don’t see him signing up after his experiences with Hidalgo. If Bruckheimer turned up at his door with a contract, Jerry would probably find a horse's skeleton in his bed the next morning.
4. The Tough Nut
Hi Ho! Adaptable, and proven as a man of Western action (in No Country For Old Men), Brolin has also shown comic chops in W and post-Coens is likely a big enough name to meet the Bruck’s standards.
Hi No! He’s tackling a very different style of Western in Jonah Hex, which will probably rule him out. Somehow we don't see him being typecast, Brolin's always gone for a wide variety of roles.
If Bruckheimer turned up at his door with a contract, Brolin would probably pull his six shooter, realise it's just a prop and bop Jerry on the bonce with it.
5. The Breakout TV Star
Hi Ho! Hamm has slowly been proving himself to be a real star in more than one way – he’s superb on the telly drama Mad Men and a recent stint hosting Saturday Night Live has proved that he’s got serious comic timing to boot.
We bet he could hold his own against Depp and also handle the heroic stuff with ease – plus he was one of the few decent things about The Day The Earth Stood Still.
Hi No! Jon who? There's probably more chance of Disney execs taking a risk on a relative unknown than there is of them fashioning their lead out of Buzz Lightyear action figures, yarn, and glue.
If Bruckheimer showed up at his door with a contract, he'd probably give him and big hug and sign immediately.
6. The Gruff Hero
Hi Ho! He can do it all – drama, action and comedy and has proved himself in even the silliest of blockbusters such as The Phantom Menace.
Plus, with Taken showing that he’s still able to beat up the bad guys with calm efficiency, he can handle that part of the role too, while shoring up his marquee name.
Hi No! His age might work against him, but discussions probably wouldn't even get that far - Neeson wouldn't take the call in the first place. He was in The Phantom Menace, we don't think he's doing another blockbuster again. Why would he want to?
If Bruckheimer came to his door with a contract, he'd probably strap on a Jar Jar suit and send Jerry away screaming.
7. The Gender Bending Wildcard
Hi Ho! Didn’t see that coming, did you? This is the longest of longshots, but what if – just if – Bruckheimer and his team decided to change things up and cast a woman as the Ranger?
Blanchett’s perfect - she’s horse-trained, able to hold her own against any bloke and a great actress to boot.
Hi No! Let’s face it: there’s more chance of Lee Evans replacing Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen.
But it would’ve been fun…
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