7 Happy Endings Guaranteed By God

Films the Archbishop Of Canterbury should definitely watch...


So, according to the Archbishop of Canterbury, God gave us free will, but he can't guarantee it'll lead to a happy ending for humanity.

That's a bit like a parent giving an upset child a can of petrol and a lighter, whilst actively stating they won't take responsibility if the school bully gets first-degree burns.

Still, we're not worried. We watch movies, you see, so we know for a fact that God loves providing happy endings. It's practically His/Her hobby.

If you're a friend of the Archbishop, why not do us all a favour and recommend the following movie marathon to him.

All That Jazz (1979)

The Problem: The brilliantly named Joe Gideon (Roy Schnieder) has loads of problems. For a start, he's addicted to every substance under the sun. From drugs to booze to girls to tabs, he loves the lot - until they start killing him.

Subsequently, Joe has to face up to his own mortality, and the mess he's made of his life. Which is where God steps in.

How God Sorts It: God shows up in the guise of a sexy woman, called Angelique.

Angelique gets increasingly more sexy throughout the film, in order to teach Joe all about the value of love. We're not entirely sure why, but God moves in mysterious ways.[page-break]


Always (1989)

The Problem: When fire-fighting pilot Pete Sandich (Richard Dreyfuss) dies saving the life of his pal Al Yackey (John Goodman) his girlfriend mourns for waaaaaaaay too long.

So God instructs one of his angels (Audrey Hepburn) to sort it - she sends Pete back to Earth help Dorinda (Holly Hunter) get over it. Which leads to another major issue - Pete can't get over her either, so tries to win her back. Despite the fact he's dead.

Basically, if it wasn't for God this thing would pretty much be a zombie movie.

How God Sorts It: Via God's infinite wisdom, Pete learns that if you love someone, you should set them free.

Which is a lesson he could've also learned by listening to Sting, but, you know, it leads to third-act grins for everyone, so who's complaining?[page-break]


Pulp Fiction (1994)

The Problem: Hitman Jules and his pal Vincent gets shot at by a Jerry Seinfeld lookalike.

How God Sorts It: Thankfully, God steps in and stops the bullets from hitting either of them.

Or at least, Jules thinks God does. Vincent is a little more sceptical. Still, as Jules puts it. "Whether or not what we experienced was an According to Hoyle miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved."

And because of God's involvement, Jules is able to end the flick happily, in a diner, wearing beach attire. Actually, it also means the start of the movie ends happily too. God is awesome. [page-break]


Bruce Almighty (2003)

The Problem: Bruce doesn't respect the man upstairs, blaming him for all of his problems. That might not seem like a big deal to you, but to God, that's a pretty major issue, guy.

How God Sorts It: God turns Bruce into God for what we can only assume is 'a laugh.'

But Bruce, through experiencing how difficult God's day-job is, appreciates his own life when he gets it back.

Which is such a brilliantly joyous message, we stood up in the cinema and applauded when the credits kicked in.[page-break]


Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981)

The Problem: Indy and Marion have been captured and tied up by the Nazis. They are definitely, definitely going to die. This, obviously, is simply not on.

How God Sorts It: But don't worry! God's wrath steps in and melts all the jackbooted Hitler geeks face-first! Yes!

Good work God, we're glad Indy and Marion survived, but couldn't you have done something to stop Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull? We're just sayin'...[page-break]


Jacob's Ladder (1990)

The Problem: Spoiler alert! Jacob doesn't know he's dead, and hangs on to what is, essentially, a pretty rubbish life.

How God Sorts It: God shows up as a chiropractor - bear with us - who explains to Jacob that: "Eckhart saw Hell too. He said: The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away.

But they're not punishing you, he said. They're freeing your soul. So, if you're frightened of dying and... and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth."

Which is such brilliant advice U.N.K.L.E sampled it for their ace song Rabbit In Your Headlights, which featured Thom Yorke's lovely voice singing about how rubbish modern life is.

Hey, are you thinking what we're thinking? Maybe it's time God turned Thom Yorke into God to teach him how ace existence really is. Thom Almighty, anyone?[page-break]


Mr Destiny (1990) / It's A Wonderful Life (1946)

The Problem: Two for the price of one, here. Basically, both protagonists think their lives are really rubbish, because they're not rich and powerful enough to make people do whatever they want.

How God Sorts It: He sends his angels - in the form of Henry Travers and Michael Caine, to change reality to show the respective ingrates that, actually, their lives are ruddy brilliant, and they should stop whinging. Good advice, God.

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Comments

    • CUrraNT

      Mar 27th 2009, 17:01

      Huh... I was expecting Dogma to show face

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