7 Historical Figures Who Won't Be In Night At The Museum 3

The Mad, The Drunk & The Genocidal...


Ben Stiller's historical free-for-all Night At The Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian hits UK cinemas this week, with a cast of comedy superstars playing real-life figures from Teddy Roosevelt to Al Capone.

No doubt if all goes to plan at the box office we'll be staring down the barrel of Night At The Museum 3 in a couple of years.

If it were up to us it'd be called Balls Out at the Brooklyn Museum or Massacre At The Victoria & Albert, but whatever the title, here are seven historical nasties and nobodies who almost certainly won't show up...

Grigori Rasputin

Who is he? Infamous Russian mystic, holy-man and healer, who wormed his way into the inner circle of Russian Imperial royalty in the last years before the socialist revolution.

Why he won’t be in the film: Because aside from being a crazy-haired prophet, Rasputin is best known for his wild sexual promiscuity and his gruesome, prolongued assassination.

Before he eventually corked it, Grigori was poisoned, beaten, shot four times and finally drowned. Hardly 12A material.

If he was in a family comedy: It would be a musical called ‘Ra-Ra-Ra Rasputin’ featuring Boney M’s hit, and starring Joaquin Phoenix wearing no make-up whatsoever.

Next: Calamity Jane[page-break]

 

Calamity Jane

Who is she? Scout, frontierswoman and teller of exceptionally tall tales who claimed friendships and associations with several prominent Wild West figures like Wild Bill Hickok and Colonel Custer.

Why she won’t be in the film: Because by the time she gained public notoriety in 1893 as a show rider and shooter in Buffalo Bill’s travelling Wild West show, she had become a depressive alcoholic.

She died alone, ten years later, of pneumonia. Not ideal for a kids' DVD session on a rainy Bank Holiday.

If she was in a family comedy: Jane has already been transformed from a lying, drinking transient to smiley, singing Doris Day in the eponymous 1953 musical. Remake, anyone?

Next: Josef Goebbels[page-break]

 

Josef Goebbels

Who is he? Adolf Hitler’s minister of propaganda, and the man responsible for selling the Nazi dream to a generation of downbeat and disenfranchised Germans. Had a PhD in romantic drama.

Why he won’t be in the film: Because he played a critical role in the most destructive conflict in history and promoted an abhorrent racist political ideology.

Also, his ending would need to be re-shot – going out on a double suicide with his wife and taking their six children with them... that's gonna bomb with test audiences.

If he was in a family comedy: His part would have to be substantially rethought in order not to cause offence to everyone, ever.

Next: Arthur Scargill[page-break]

 

Arthur Scargill

Who is he? Unionist firebrand and socialist Yorkshireman who famously led the national union of miners in the 1984-85 strikes, before forming the Socialist Labour Party in 1996.

Why he won’t be in the film: Because being a) from the North, b) a Lefty, and c) ultimately a loser are not what Hollywood heroes are made of.

Still, The Comic Strip managed to wring some laughs from the Scargill story in 1988's The Strike...



If he was in a family comedy: It would be a remake of The Full Monty centred around ex-miners, climaxing with a near-naked Arthur holding a miner’s hat over his groin and flashing the light on and off while the audience screams.

Next: Eugene Cernan[page-break]

 

Eugene Cernan

Who is he? The last man on the moon. Eugene has been to space three times, the final time as commander of Apollo 17 in 1972.

This was the last manned expedition to the moon, and Eugene was the last of the crew to enter the lunar module.

Why he won’t be in the film: Because even those he’s a highly decorated naval officer and astronaut and one of only 12 men ever to walk on the moon, nobody knows who he is and nobody cares.

People have trouble remembering moon dudes past Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin, and being last sucks.

If he was in a family comedy: It would be the sequel to a better and more original film starring Armstrong and Aldrin and nobody would go and see it.

Next: Lee Harvey Oswald[page-break]

 

Lee Harvey Oswald

Who is he? The ex-naval marine, one time Soviet defector and all-round political whacko who shot and killed President John F. Kennedy.

Why he won’t be in the film: Abe Lincoln-capping John Wilkes Booth has somehow become a figure of fun (on The Simpsons, no less). 

But there’s too much conspiratorial juice left in the Kennedy assassination for Oswald to show up, even as a snarling villain.

If he was in a family comedy: It would be as part of a slapstick double act with his mob associate murderer and Jack Ruby, called Patsy And Ruby.

Next: Marie Curie[page-break]

 

Marie Curie

Who is she: A pioneering chemist and physicist whose work in the discovery of radiation earned her the Nobel prize.

Why she won’t be in the film: Because her life story is bitterly sad and ends like a cruel M Night Shyamalan twister.

Having devoted her life to the study of radioactivity, it was... exposure to radiation which caused her death from aplastic anemia in 1934.

If she was in a family comedy: It would have to end way before her painful death. And before her husband Pierre died in a road accident in 1906. Probably best to call it Marie Curie: The Early Years.

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Comments

    • pimpernel

      May 20th 2009, 13:40

      There was this musical called 'Assassins' which had Lee Harvey Oswald in it - singing with every other person who ever killed, or tried to kill an American President, starting with Booth. It was...surreal.

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    • Kelisha888

      Jun 12th 2009, 2:48

      It was Stephen Sondheim, pimpernel...

      Alert a moderator

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