The Rainbow Batman
Issue: Detective Comics #241
The Plot: When Dick Grayson hurts his arm on a lamp post, Bruce Wayne decides to dress up in a series of increasingly garish Batman costumes to distract people from working out that Grayson is Robin, just because they have the same boo boo.
Why They’ll Never Make It: Robin, no matter what you say, Batman is wearing a pink outfit, not a red one.
If you think they’re going to make Batman 6: The Pink Knight, you’ve been hanging out with The Joker too long. Also, this plot is one of the most insanely stupid things we’ve ever read. No offence.
Who Could Direct If They Did: Joel Schumacher. This was the proposed plot of Batman & Robin 2. Probably.
Superman’s Energy Crisis!
Issue: Action Comics #454
The Plot: Superman starts to lose his powers, so instead of cutting down on the suntan lotion, he eats burgers. Lots of burgers.
Why They’ll Never Make It: Warner Brothers want Superman to be bad-ass, not a fat-ass. The world’s greatest American, chomping burgers like there’s no Man Of Tomorrow? No wonder Lois went off with Cyclops…
Who Could Direct It If They Did: Michael Moore. That man knows burgers.
Archie Meets The Punisher
Issue: One-off special
The Plot: The Punisher is hired by the Government to track down a drug dealer who happens to look an awful lot like Archie. That’s right, multiple murderer, torturer and sociopath Frank Castle hangs out with Jughead and the gang. Hilarity ensues.
Why They’ll Never Make It: Forget the fact that Archie seems overly concerned with ‘his stash’ on the cover – an adaptation of this one would be a lose-lose situation. Unless they decide to go in the opposite direction, showing 90 minutes of Ray Stephenson torturing Ron Howard as Archie. We’d pay to see that.
Who Could Direct It if They Did: Eli Roth and Ray Stephenson holding a real gun would probably get the best performance out of Howard since Happy Days.
Issue: Batman #147
The Plot: Bats face off against an evil scientist named Garth (guess they had a hard time coming up with imaginative monikers in the sixties) who turns him into a four-year old.
Thanks to a flawed plot device, sorry, machine, Batman retains his adult mind, but still decides to put on some Bat-dungarees and continue to fight crime.
Brilliantly, after Bat-Baby kicks the ass of four grown men gangsters, one newspaper heralds the victory with the headline “Bat-Baby Does Okay For A Kid.” It might seem like we’re making this up, but we’re not.
Why They’ll Never Make It: This will only happen once the franchise exhausts literally every other idea. They’d make Batman a woman, an old man, and an orange before they attempt this preposterous story.
Who Could Direct It If They Did: John Hughes. It’s the next logical progression from Baby’s Day Out.
Muscles For Money
Issue: Action Comics 176
The Plot: Superman decides that he’s fed up of saving the world for free, so he starts charging authorities for his services. Seriously, Superman’s an arse in this comic.
However, it turns out to have been a ruse, to trap the Million-Dollar Marvin gang. He does seem to enjoy being mean a little too much though, in our opinion.
Why They’ll Never Make It: As much as we’d love to see Superman being a complete bastard, that’s probably not what Warners have in mind for the franchise.
Who Could Direct It If They Did: McG. With Christian Bale in the lead. What?
The Super-Monkey From Krypton
Issue: Superboy #76
The Plot: In a way, this plot is utter genius. Jor-El wanted to make sure his son would be safe to travel through space, so he sent a monkey into the sky in a rocket.
When that monkey eventually landed on earth, it gained superpowers, like Superman.
Which is a really clever way of getting a really stupid idea into a comic-book.
Why They’ll Never Make It: At one point, super-monkey throws an elephant through the air for messing with his coconuts. And that’s not the most ridiculous thing that happens in this book.
Who Could Direct It If They Did: Wes Anderson. He’s the only director weird enough to make this work.
The Super-Merman of the Sea
Issue: Action Comis #244
The Plot: When Superman rescues two alien mer-people from a crashed rocket, he decides to move under the sea to help them acclimatise to living on earth.
Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane can’t work out why Superman would do that, until Lois sees Superman arm in arm with a mermaid, underneath a plaque fixed to his new underwater Fortress Of Solitude that says: ‘Home of Mr. and Mrs. Superman.’
Why They’ll Never Make It: It’s clinically mental.
Who Could Direct It If They Did: Dennis Hopper, during his LSD period.