November is the month of the moustache. Renamed Movember by a bunch of Australians back in 1999, it’s the time of year when young chaps dedicate themselves to the art of growing small patches of hair underneath their noses, in the name of charity / a laugh.
In their honour, here’s a faceful of inconvenient moustaches we hope only lasted a month.
Lumpy, King Kong (2005)
Grown by: Andy Serkis
The ‘tache: A classic example of the camouflage ‘tache, framed by a smattering of unkempt cheek fuzz. Is it a beard or is it a ‘tache? It’s both!
Inconvenient? We have no idea why Serkis decided a chef would be better with a ‘tache than without. After all, who wants to gaze at facial hair full of food when they’re tucking into their banana soup?
Bill The Butcher, Gangs Of New York (2002)
Grown by: Daniel Day Lewis
The ‘tache: This majestic face-brush is bigger than most people’s heads and twice as handsome.
Inconvenient? No wonder Bill’s pissed off all the time – he’s got Cameron Diaz prancing about in his general vicinity, but will be ever be able to get his face close enough to her to smooch her? Not unless he’s prepared to invest in a Bic multi-pack at some point in the near future.
Mutt Williams, Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull (2008)
Grown by: Shia LaBeouf
The ‘tache: Pathetic, the sort of bum-bluff your little brother could grow in five minutes if he shut his eyes and concentrated hard enough.
Inconvenient? Only if he ever wants to file for backdated child support. No court in the land would believe that someone with this little sense of style is Indy’s son. And there’s no excuse for it, Mutt carries a switchblade around with him at all times – get some gel and use it on your mush, kid!
Fu Manchu, The Face Of Fu Manchu (1965)
Grown by: Christopher Lee
The ‘tache: Essentially xenophobia in face form, Lee’s Manchu moustache appears to have been inspired by a small child’s drawing, or the droolings of a gibbering racist.
Inconvenient? Depends on how inconvenient you find racism, fella. It’s pretty inconvenient ‘round these parts, let me tell you.
Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday, Tombstone (1993)
Grown by: Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer
The ‘taches: One’s buff fluff, one’s half ‘tache / half soul patch. We’ve never seen character dynamics expressed so fully though facial hair. We’re not sure we like it.
Inconvenient? Throughout the flick, Ike Clanton refers to Wyatt Earp as a ‘pimp’. We’re not sure why, so we’re going to pin it on his ‘tache. If Earp had shaved it off, he’d have commanded more respect, that’s a historical fact. Similarly, if Holliday hadn’t grown that soul patch, he would never have contracted tuberculosis. And that’s a medical fact.
Grown by: Salma Hayek
The ‘tache: Like Shia LaBeouf’s, Frida’s ‘tache is more downy fluff than full lip warmer. Still, we’ll let her off. Mainly because she’s a her.
Inconvenient? Only if she ever wants to get off with us. So, yes!
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