7 Movie Destinations For Miss Universe

She likes Guantánamo Bay? She'll love Azkaban...


It might have initially seemed like an April Fool's gag, but
yesterday's story about Miss Universe going to Guantánamo Bayand genuinely loving it was all too real.

After visiting the notorious detention centre with her pal Miss USA, she really did describe the alleged torture site as: "A loooot of fun!" in her blog.

Ignoring the barbed wire, minefields and chaps with guns, she proclaimed the prison to be a: "relaxing, calm, beautiful place."

Now, we're sure there's a dark poetry to be found in places like Guantánamo Bay, but boasting about its "unbelievable" beach is probably a little too glass half-full for our liking.

So, it seems Miss Universe has some pretty low expectations when it comes to holiday destinations. Maybe she'd enjoy this lot, then.

The Destination: Azkaban - Harry Potter And The Prisoner And Azkaban (2004)

The Appeal: The soul sucking Dementors guarding the wizarding prison known as Azkaban feed on positive emotions, so, logically, it must be a pretty fun place, right? You know, so the guards always have plenty to eat? Also, it's located on a tiny island on the North Sea, so it probably has "unbelievable" beaches.

Miss Universe's Subsequent Blog Entry:"I've had such an amazing day. I met an actual, real-life magician! He did this trick where he sobbed and cried for literally ages. I kept watching his hands really closely to see how he did it, but nothing! Then he made a big black sheet float above him, then he went really gaunt and tired. It was grrrrrrrrreat!"[page-break]


The Destination: The Swamp Of Sadness - The Neverending Story (1984)

The Appeal: If Miss Universe's travel buddies are real whingers, she can take them to the Swamp Of Sadness and be rid of them in, like, two minutes tops.

Miss Universe's Subsequent Blog Entry:"You'll never guess what happened to me since the last time I posted! I went to this really cool swamp with my friends, and my friends played this awesome trick on me!

I was talking to them about my life, and my interests, like travel and beaches and things, and I turned around and they were all hiding from me! Even Miss USA, and she's rubbish at hide-and-go-seek! Hahaha, guys. Joke's over now, though. It's been two weeks. I miss you."[page-break]

 

The Destination: Any Of Freddy Krueger's Nightmares - A Nightmare On Elm Street to Freddy Versus Jason (1984 - 2003)

The Appeal: It's the chance to fully explore every single fear, phobia and bad pun Miss Universe has ever experienced. She'll really learn a lot about herself in Freddy's scary skull. It's a holiday of discovery, basically.

Miss Universe's Subsequent Blog Entry: "I met a lovely man today, he was holding a bottle of Tequila and he said to me: "Let's get legless!" then he tore off both of my legs! It was so funny. Then he said, "You look harmless to me!" only he dropped the h in harmless, and he tore off both of my arms, which really hurt. Best. Holiday. Ever."[page-break]


The Destination: The Bog Of Eternal Stench - Labyrinth (1986)

The Appeal: David Bowie hangs out there. And, let's face it, we'd be prepared to put up with a lifetime of smelling like Ludo poo in exchange for a couple of minutes in the presence of the Goblin King.

Miss Universe's Subsequent Blog Entry: "It's weird, but ever since I met David Bowie last week, my life has been super easy. Whenever I go to queue up for something, everyone in the shop just gets out of my way and leaves me to it! I get the whole shop to myself! It's the same whenever I get into an elevator, or go a party! I love being Miss Universe."[page-break]

 

The Destination: Erewhon Prison - Face/Off (1997)

The Appeal: Not only is it an anagram of 'nowhere' but you get a really cool makeover as part of the package deal. Also, it floats in the sky. So, good views.

Miss Universe's Subsequent Blog Entry: "Went to an amazing spa this weekend. They gave me this really intenseface-pack, which I think was made out of apples. It stung a little bit when they took it off. They have this running joke at the spa, where they keep calling me Nicolas Cage. 'Hello Mr Nicolas Cage,' they kept saying. 'Have you signed the contract for Wicker Man 2: How'd It Get Burned yet?'

[page-break]

The Destination: A Small Room - Old Boy (2003)

The Appeal: It's fifteen years of solitary confinement, in a small locked room, with only the occasional meal and telly programme to look forward to. Brilliant!

Miss Universe's Subsequent Blog Entry: "I got so lonely I started to hallucinate ants coming out of my arms! It was, like, totally amazing! They were really realistic and friendly."[page-break]


The Destination: Bruges - In Bruges (2008)

The Appeal: We're not sure if it has any, actually. Even midgets have to take drugs to stick it.

Miss Universe's Subsequent Blog Entry:"I went to Bruges this week. It was an effin' sh*thole."

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Comments

    • fuzzcaminski

      Apr 2nd 2009, 12:25

      The face/off prison doesn't float in the sky, it's an oil rig in the sea

      Alert a moderator

    • sashurst

      Apr 2nd 2009, 16:08

      I'm totally going to make a film about a prison that floats in the sky. It'd be brilliant.

      Alert a moderator

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