Our fair land is in trouble. If we're not suffering from the credit crunch, we're being mugged by obsese hoodies who are truanting from school because they're on drugs.
We need help. We need a better education system. We need to ship in seven fictional characters to save this marvellous country.
Sam The Eagle (Muppets Christmas Carol) could fix the credit crunch.
Sam the Eagle: You see, business, it is the AMERICAN WAY!
Gonzo: [whispers]Sam, Sam, come here
Sam the Eagle: Oh... It is the BRITISH WAY
Young Scrooge: Yes, sir.
How he’d fix Blighty: Before Scrooge got all sentimental, he was one of the greatest living business blokes.
He understood what most modern British city types don’t seem to get – that if you save a penny, you save a pound. And if you save that pound, you’ll end up rich.
And who taught that message to ol’ Ebeneezer? Sam The Eagle, that’s who.
Get him, his muppeteer, and Frank Oz into central London so they can teach those silly stock exchange ninnies how to scrimp, save and employ rats as labourers, before it’s too late.
Professor Charles Xavier (X-Men) could fix knife crime.
Magneto: Does it ever wake you in the middle of the night? The feeling that one day they will pass that foolish law or one just like it and come for you? And your children?
Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: It does indeed.
Magneto: What do you do, when you wake up to that?
Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: I feel a great swell of pity for the poor fool who comes to that school... looking for trouble.
How he’d fix Blighty: If you’ve even casually glanced at a paper recently, you’ll know that youth knife crime is on the up.
And, if we were to choose one mutant to sort that problem, it’d probably be Magneto, what with his power to control metal and everything. Unfortunately, he’s a little unreliable.
Also, he’s not a teacher, which means he’d have no rapport with the Twitter generation.
Prof X on the other hand, could gather together the most terrifying hoodies in Britain, and inspire them with a rousing speech about how we all need to get on with each other, by channelling their mutant powers (mostly the ability to hotwire Ford Capris really quickly) toward the greater good.
Either that or he’d brainwash them into thinking bananas were knives. Either way, we send Charles in, knife crimes stats go down.[page-break]
Detective John Kimble (Kindergarten Cop) could fix kids on drugs.
Detective John Kimble: No more complaining. No more "Mr. Kimble, I have to go the bathroom". Nothing!
Detective John Kimble: There is no bathroom!
How he’d fix Blighty: Dirty Harry might have been cool, but did he ever use a rabid ferret to kill a drug dealer? No, no he did not.
Get Kimble to do a tour of our schools, bellowing insults at kids until they permanently associate the idea of taking drugs with a red-faced middle-aged bodybuilder.
And if John sees a drug dealer hanging around the playground, he can toss a ferret at his face before shooting him three times in the chest. That solution will cure most social ills.
Mr Hand (Fast Times At Ridgemont High) coukld fix truants.
Mr. Hand: What is this fascination with truancy? What is it that gets inside of your heads? There are some teachers at this school who look the other way at truants. It's a little game you both play. They pretend they don't see you, and you pretend you don't ditch! Now, in the end, who pays the price? YOU!
How he’d fix Blighty: Despite coming across as a total grumpy bad-ass for most of Fast Times, Mr Hand is actually an old softie.
He might bully Spicoli for being late for class, but when the idiot stoner needs help passing an exam, Hand touchingly turns up unexpectedly at his house to tutor him before the big day.
If we manage to convince our kids that if they don’t go to school, their teachers will turn up at their houses, we’d end truancy tomorrow.[page-break]
Mr Miyagi (Karate Kid) could fix child obesity.
Daniel: Wouldn't a fly swatter be easier?
Miyagi: Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything.
Daniel: Ever catch one?
Miyagi: Not yet.
How he’d fix Blighty: Sadly for them, and for Britain, our kids are chubby. A mixture of bad burgers and Xbox 360s have added up to some of the biggest children in Europe.
That’s why we need Mr Miyagi. He could try to teach them Karate by getting them to wax his car, and when they don’t go for that, he could go into their cutlery drawers and use all of their knives, forks and spoons to squish bugs.
It’s hard to eat spag bol when your fork is covered in centipede guts.
Louanne Johnson (Dangerous Minds) could fix terrorism.
Could fix terrorism.
Louanne: “You asked me once how I was gonna save your life. This is it. This moment.”
How she’d fix Blighty: Johnson’s an ex-marine, so she’s perfectly poised to fly over to our fair country and kick the terrorists out.
Either that or teach them about Bob Dylan. Once you’ve had Mr Tambourine Man inaccurately deconstructed, it’s hard to hate anyone.[page-break]
The Fonz (Scream) could fix classroom over-crowding.
The Fonz: [looking in mirror]“Heeeeeeeey.”
How he’d fix Blighty: You might not automatically think of the Fonz when it comes to solving this off-shoot of the over-population problem.
After all, it’s mostly his fault we’re in this mess, what with all the shenanigans he gets up to in his leather jacket.
However, in the ‘90s, The Fonz decided to do his bit for focused schooling by being really rubbish at stopping teenagers from getting killed by a masked maniac, significantly cutting class sizes.
If he brought that attitude to Blightly, teachers would find it increasingly easier to teach their dwindling classes.
And if the classes are really crowded, he’s not adverse to falling on a blade himself, to keep numbers down. Now that’s dedication.