Our fair land is in trouble. If we're not suffering from the credit crunch, we're being mugged by obsese hoodies who are truanting from school because they're on drugs.

We need help. We need a better education system. We need to ship in seven fictional characters to save this marvellous country.

Sam The Eagle (Muppets Christmas Carol) could fix the credit crunch.

Teaching style:

Sam the Eagle: You see, business, it is the AMERICAN WAY!
Gonzo: [whispers] Sam, Sam, come here
Sam the Eagle: Oh... It is the BRITISH WAY
Young Scrooge: Yes, sir.

How he’d fix Blighty: Before Scrooge got all sentimental, he was one of the greatest living business blokes.

He understood what most modern British city types don’t seem to get – that if you save a penny, you save a pound. And if you save that pound, you’ll end up rich.

And who taught that message to ol’ Ebeneezer? Sam The Eagle, that’s who.

Get him, his muppeteer, and Frank Oz into central London so they can teach those silly stock exchange ninnies how to scrimp, save and employ rats as labourers, before it’s too late.

Professor Charles Xavier (X-Men) could fix knife crime.

Teaching style:

Magneto: Does it ever wake you in the middle of the night? The feeling that one day they will pass that foolish law or one just like it and come for you? And your children?
Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: It does indeed.
Magneto: What do you do, when you wake up to that?
Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: I feel a great swell of pity for the poor fool who comes to that school... looking for trouble.

How he’d fix Blighty: If you’ve even casually glanced at a paper recently, you’ll know that youth knife crime is on the up.

And, if we were to choose one mutant to sort that problem, it’d probably be Magneto, what with his power to control metal and everything. Unfortunately, he’s a little unreliable.

Also, he’s not a teacher, which means he’d have no rapport with the Twitter generation.

Prof X on the other hand, could gather together the most terrifying hoodies in Britain, and inspire them with a rousing speech about how we all need to get on with each other, by channelling their mutant powers (mostly the ability to hotwire Ford Capris really quickly) toward the greater good.

Either that or he’d brainwash them into thinking bananas were knives. Either way, we send Charles in, knife crimes stats go down.