7 Prequels Hollywood Should Probably Avoid

Alien 5 looks awful. This lot would be worse...


Hollywood loves a prequel.


But as Alien 5 proves, the studios are starting to run out of flicks that actually need them, and are introducing brand new back stories for films that were totally fine without them.

Because of this, we've decided to get copyright on a bunch of film ideas that are sadly inevitable. So, movie producers, we hope you're reading this. If any of the below flicks get greenlit, we want our cut.

Helicopter Pilot


Prequel To: Taxi Driver

The Plot:
Shia LaBouef is Travis Bickle in this Vietnam war thriller.

Watch as Travis flies through the skies of ‘Nam, picking up soldier passengers, listening to them complain about their lives!

Cringe as Travis attempts to ask a couple of USO showgirls out on a date!

Walk out after Bickle starts banging on about how a tropical rain is going to come to wash all the scum off the trees!

The Sequel To The Prequel:
In Helicopter Pilot 2: Construction Worker, Travis completes his tour of duty and returns to America, getting a short-term contract job on a building site.

He completes his contract without incident, with only an occassional muttering under his breath giving us any clue to his state of mind.

At one point, he does say: "Are you talking to me?" But someone actually is, so the scene isn't really all that interesting.

Next:None Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest


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None Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest


Prequel To: One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

The Plot: Anna Kendrick is Nurse Ratched in this incident-free look at a group of mental insitution residents, who are all well-medicated and cared for within a strict system designed to keep them safe, balanced and happy.

Meanwhile, notorious paedophile R.P McMurphy (Zachary Quinto) is being hunted by a dedicated team of cops, determined to track and arrest the sick career criminal before he strikes again…

The Sequel To The Prequel:
In One Might Fly Over The Cuckoo's Nest, R.P has been arrested and is standing trial for his crimes.

Meanwhile, Nurse Ratched's mental institution carries on as normal, providing comfort and care for her well-treated patients.

Features an out-of-place subplot in which Christopher Lloyd's Taber insists that he can build a time machine using a car and something he 'invented' in the toilet.

Next:Training Bull


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Training Bull


Prequel To: Raging Bull

The Plot: Starring Cam Gigandet as Jake LaMotta, a kid from the wrong side of the tracks, whose rage needs to be channelled into something positive.

Enter Forest Whitaker as Mr Bully, a gruff ex-boxer turned gym teacher with a heart of gold, who sees a spark of talent in Jake, and decides to train him up for the College Golden Glove Championships.

Featuring an in-joke cameo from Cathy Moriarty as the English teacher Miss Thailer.

The Sequel To The Prequel:
Training Bull 2: Angry Bull. Following Jake's College victory, Mr Bully decides that LaMotta is ready to go national.

But the pressure of the competition gets to Jake and his old anger management issues start to resurface...

Featuring a logic-stretching cameo from Joe Pesci as Jake's dad, Joey.


Next: The Elephant Teenager


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The Elephant Teenager


Prequel To: The Elephant Man

The Plot: Michael Cera is John Merrick, an 18-year-old outcast, who’s bullied at school and rejected by his alcoholic stepfather, because of his massive head.

But when he discovers a gift for American football, Merrick embarks on a journey that leads to love, acceptance and the creation of a really big, weirdly shaped, helmet.

The Sequel To The Prequel:
The Elephant Trunk. As a result of Merrick's school sports success, John manages to secure himself a cheerleader girlfriend, and decides it's time to lose his virginity.

Cue American Pie style scrapes and a finale that pushes gross-out comedy to its very limits.

Next: The Girl Of Kansas


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The Girl Of Kansas


Prequel to: The Wizard Of Oz

The Plot: Megan Fox is Dorothy, a simple farm girl who spends her days collecting eggs from hens, and taking her little dog Toto into town.

The film ends on a weather report which postulates that a hurricane might pass through Kansas at some point in the future.

And that’s literally the most exciting thing that happens during the film’s six hour run-time.

The Sequel To The Prequel: The Girl Of Kansas 2: The Legend Of Toto's Gold. Dorothy finds an old family letter that suggests that Toto once belonged to a Spanish prince, who buried a chest full of golden doubloons somewhere on the Gale farm.

In a final act twist, it turns out that the letter was a joke played by Dorothy's uncle Henry, who wanted to bring some excitement to Dorothy's life.

He succeeds, but the audience isn't so lucky, having just watched a girl digging several holes in several different fields, for four hours.

Next:It's A Life


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It’s A Life


Prequel to: It’s A Wonderful Life

The Plot: Starring Hayden Christensen at his most dreary, as a near-suicidal George Bailey.

It’s A Life is the most realistic depiction of the daily working life of a Buildings & Loans company man ever seen during the blockbuster season. It's intended as a satire of reality television, but it accidentally makes reality television seem really fun.

Essentially Death Of A Salesman but ten times duller, or Big Brother but six million times duller.

The Sequel To The Prequel: It's Still A Life continues at exactly the same point where It's A Life finished.

It's Still A Life somehow manages to be even more boring that the first one, because we know exactly what's in store for us by this point.

A man, filling in forms, for three hours.

Next: Star Wars


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Star Wars


Prequel to: Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope

The Plot: JJ Abrams directs this stunning re-boot of George Lucas’ dated 1977 blockbuster.

We follow the adventures of Chris Pine’s Luke Skywalker, Zachary Quinto’s Han Solo and Malin Akerman’s Chewbacca as we finally get to see what happened during the Clone Wars.

Near-constant space battles and lightsaber fights added to a starring role for a helmeted Robert Pattinson as Boba Fett make this the greatest film ever made in the history of films.

The Sequel To The Prequel:
It’s so good that a sequel is greenlit instantly. It's called Star Wars Volume 2: Darth Vader Comes Back. Sadly, it’s shit.

Comments

    • dholleyuk

      Jun 2nd 2009, 12:39

      Prequel to Star Wars IV: a New Hope, JJ directing, your stunning reboot sounds great, shame Lucas never got on board his own creation and made it great. Oh well, heres to the remake in 5 years if Hollywood carry's on the way it is

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    • dholleyuk

      Jun 2nd 2009, 12:39

      Prequel to Star Wars IV: a New Hope, JJ directing, your stunning reboot sounds great, shame Lucas never got on board his own creation and made it great. Oh well, heres to the remake in 5 years if Hollywood carry's on the way it is

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    • adammiller2k

      Jun 4th 2009, 7:11

      funny stuff, good work. how about these: Texas. When mum's away, the boys can play. After a family dinner gone very wrong, a certain family in Texas are left motherless. Follow the crazy mishaps as grandad locks himself in the loft, dad plays host to a group of roudy teenagers and leatherface...falls in love. Can the girl of his dreams look beyond his mask and see the innocent boy underneath, or will he simply kill her. Akira Begins. You saw the awesome explosion 20 years ago now watch as the sequence of events leading up to Akira's big bang unfold. Destroy any mystery the original may have held and see how Kaneda and Tetsuo scrap their way through school. Ever wondered how Kay got mixed up with anti-establishment terrorists (freedom fighters)? No? well we'll show you anyway. With voice overs by James Vanderbeek and Cory Hames. Raising Namo: It's difficult being a fish with a gammy fin, but Namo won't let life get the batter (sorry) of him. From the awesome Dreamworks animation studio and absolutely not a rip off of a Pixar film, see Varland raise his only son in an unsympathetic world. Trying to find a male toilet in Debenhams with a baby changing area may (we stress may) result in hilarity...Starring Richard E. Grant. Last one, i promise: Deuce Bigalow: Prick Follow Deuce as he lives his life. He thinks he's hilarious, you may disagree, but with inspired comedy moments like having sex with a DOUBLE amputee, punching a pregnant woman and eating a poo...we're pretty sure there's enough idiots out there for this to make a profit.

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