There’s no greater pain than seeing one of your favourite flicks getting the remake treatment.
That grimy edgy horror flick you grew up on suddenly becomes a crop-top biopic starring the actress from that show your girlfriend watches.
So we thought it'd be fun to try and come up with some remakes that'd annoy Hollywood as much as their slick versions of our favourite low-budget classics annoy us. Don't try any of these at home.
Godzilla (1954)
The Original:
Effects so basic you could easily recreate most scenes in your garden, performances that mostly consist of extras screaming, and a moral message that’s still pertinent today.
Godzilla is the perfect monster movie.
The Remake:
Effects so fake they look like they were created on a PC, performances that mainly consist of Ferris Bueller smugging it up for the camera, and a morally bankrupt message – bigger is better? Not in this case.
Godzilla is a rubbish monster movie.
The Remake Remake:
We steal two crocodiles from the local zoo and place one in Matthew Broderick’s bed and superglue the other to Roland Emmerich’s back. Film both scenes, and arbitrarily cut between two. Drop in some stock footage of people running away and screaming. Win six Oscars.
Next: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
Comments
apbgreen
Jun 11th 2009, 13:49
Wow. Between this and '25 Movie Lines You Must Never Quote' I'd say you guys have some anger management issues. Also disturbed by your support of Van Sant's Psycho.
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SCQ47
Jun 11th 2009, 15:26
I agree with apbgreen. Any support of Van Sant's Psycho is intolerable. Hitchcock is still the greatest director of all time, the first true auteur of cinema. Van Sant is a hack and there is no excuse for touching the work of a director greater than you. Not to mention, the remake was unwatchable and had the worst casting imaginable. Van Sant clearly did not understand the subtext of the original because he is a shallow idiot.
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yosarian25
Jun 12th 2009, 2:44
look i like movies, movies are basically the core of my life. They are what i do. And thus i like total film. It gives me the most trusted reviews, and makes me laugh out loud month after month. It is by far my favourite mag, ever. But I really like the remake of godzilla. I always have and i probably always will. I came out when i first started to realise what blockbusters are. Maybe that's why i like it, personal reasons, it represents a stage in my development. However, when I watch it, even today i still find it a none stop thrill ride. I think it is as every bit as good as transformers 1 and the same type of film. To kind of quote your own mag quoting Megan Fox in this respect if you want to see plot go see something else.
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somewhatfrail
Jun 12th 2009, 15:18
I take it you guys have seen the great Nicolas Cage Watches The Wicker Man on Youtube? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QqgIzlmdBc Effing brilliant! :D
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