7 Remakes That Should Be Remade

From Godzilla to Turkish Star Wars, we take revenge...

 

There’s no greater pain than seeing one of your favourite flicks getting the remake treatment.

That grimy edgy horror flick you grew up on suddenly becomes a crop-top biopic starring the actress from that show your girlfriend watches.  

So we thought it'd be fun to try and come up with some remakes that'd annoy Hollywood as much as their slick versions of our favourite low-budget classics annoy us. Don't try any of these at home.

Godzilla (1954)

The Original:

Effects so basic you could easily recreate most scenes in your garden, performances that mostly consist of extras screaming, and a moral message that’s still pertinent today.

Godzilla is the perfect monster movie.

The Remake:

Effects so fake they look like they were created on a PC, performances that mainly consist of Ferris Bueller smugging it up for the camera, and a morally bankrupt message – bigger is better? Not in this case.

Godzilla is a rubbish monster movie.

The Remake Remake:

We steal two crocodiles from the local zoo and place one in Matthew Broderick’s bed and superglue the other to Roland Emmerich’s back. Film both scenes, and arbitrarily cut between two. Drop in some stock footage of people running away and screaming. Win six Oscars.


Next: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre

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The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

The Original:

So rough and grim it feels like a documentary filmed inside a sociopath’s nightmare, the original Chain Saw is the scariest gore flick that doesn’t feature a single drop of blood, just the occasional hammer blow and some gulping screams.

The Remake:

So slick and stylised it feels like it was filmed using a studio executive's balance sheet as a camera filter, the Chain Saw massacre remake is the stupidest gore flick that stars Jessica Biel's rack.

It also features loads of blood, and performances cut from pig's flesh.

The Remake Remake:

We take it back to ’74 and use handheld Super 8 cameras that we buy from a charity shop, a chainsaw we buy from a junk shop and then chase Jessica Biel around LA snuffling and squealing like pigs.

We cut the results with footage of us running around some woods and shouting: "Why?" until our throats go sore.


Next: The Hitcher

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The Hitcher (1986)

The Original:

The Hitcher stars Rutger Hauer as a transcendent multiple murderer who hops in the cars of strangers to kill them, for no reason whatsoever. He’s as much a philosophical quandary as a psychopath in a coat.

Using beautiful cinematography to shoot ugly scenes like they’re in an art-film, The Hitcher is that rarest of beasts – a thought-provoking kill-flick.

The Remake:

The Hitcher stars Sean Bean as a nasty multiple murderer who hops in the car of a couple of teenagers to kill them because he fancies the girl / has a weird death wish. He’s as much a construct based on stupid coincidences as he is an idiot in a coat.

Using cinematography lifted from Jeepers Creepers to shoot annoying scenes like they’re in an advert, The Hitcher is that most frequent of beasts – a cynical horror remake.

The Remake Remake:

Hire a car for the afternoon, sellotape a camera to the front bumper, park it outside Sean Bean’s house. Leave the engine running and hit ‘accelerate’ when he steps out of his front door.

Then head for the beach to film some sand being lifted in the air by the wind, and record some sounds of the ocean.

Dip the film reel into a bucket of blue paint, the cut between the footage, using the ocean sounds as a soundtrack to mask Bean’s screams.


Next:
The Fog

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The Fog (1980)

The Original:

Imperfect but still atmospheric thriller sees lead actress Jamie Leigh Curtis surrounded by unknowns, cult stars and her mum, delivering a pirate ghost story that doesn’t linger, but is fun while it lasts.

The Remake:

Imperfect thriller sees lead TV star Maggie Grace sounded by idiots, Selma Blair and the bloke who plays Superman on TV.

The deliver a ghost story that doesn’t make sense, and is annoying while it lasts.

The Remake Remake:

We toss smoke machines through every open window in Tom Wellings’ house, play Thriller on a boom box as loud as it will go, then film his reaction.


Next:
The Wicker Man

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The Wicker Man (1973)

The Original:

Brilliant, creepy, sinister thriller packed with powerhouse performances from the likes of Edward Woodward and Christopher Lee.

A final twist adds to the atmosphere of everything that’s come before it. Insanely good.

The Remake:

Awful, terrible, hilarious thriller revolving around one bafflingly bad central performance from Nicolas Cage.

A final twist adds to the car crash nature of everything that’s come before it. Insane.

The Remake Remake:

We convince Nicolas Cage to sit down and watch it, then film his reactions. We imagine his moans and grimaces will be as over the top and bizarre as anything in the film, but at least they’ll be genuine.

However, if he enjoys it, we'll probably have to start pumping some BEES into the room, so we can film that instead.


Next:
Psycho

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Psycho (1960)

The Original:

 
Fey hotel owner kills female customer, director insinuates it’s because he’s the biggest mummy’s boy in cinematic history.

The Remake:

Macho hotel owner kills female customer, director insinuates it’s because he’s a bit of a wanker.

Despite the fact that it’s one of the most hated remakes ever made, we don’t actually mind this one.

Everyone bangs on about it being pointless, but it’s not strictly a shot-for-shot remake.

The opening scene shifts from a shocking gawp at Vivien Leigh in her bra to a glimpse of Viggo Mortenson’s tackle, for example – which is an example of why this flick was remade.

The original was accused of anti-homosexual undertones, the remake is a reply to that, with arguably anti-heterosexual undertones (This Norman masturbates when he’s looking at his Marion through a peep hole in a painting of a man about to rape a woman...).

We’re not saying it’s brilliant, just that it’s got more reason to exist than anything else on this list.

The Remake Remake:

We splice footage from the original Pyscho trailer, a 9 minute beast that sees Alfred wandering around the Bates Motel muttering about “terrible things,” with that bit from Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams repeats: “It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault.”

Then we send it to Van Sant.


Next: Star Wars

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Star Wars (1977)

The Original:

Farm boy makes friends with some farm equipment, starts knocking about with a thief and his pet dog, kills his aunt and uncle, romances his sister, all while his dad tries to murder him / get him to join the family business.

Brilliant.

The Remake:

Turkish chaps ditch almost every aspect of the original, keeping only the occasional space battle (using pinched footage and one of their mates wearing a bike helmet), replacing lightsabers with actual swords and recasting Darth Vader as a bloke who appears to have designed his own costume.

The Remake Remake:

We wouldn’t actually remake this one, just send the Turkish version to George Lucas as punishment for the Star Wars prequels. In case you’re interested, here it is in full.

 

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Comments

    • apbgreen

      Jun 11th 2009, 13:49

      Wow. Between this and '25 Movie Lines You Must Never Quote' I'd say you guys have some anger management issues. Also disturbed by your support of Van Sant's Psycho.

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    • SCQ47

      Jun 11th 2009, 15:26

      I agree with apbgreen. Any support of Van Sant's Psycho is intolerable. Hitchcock is still the greatest director of all time, the first true auteur of cinema. Van Sant is a hack and there is no excuse for touching the work of a director greater than you. Not to mention, the remake was unwatchable and had the worst casting imaginable. Van Sant clearly did not understand the subtext of the original because he is a shallow idiot.

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    • yosarian25

      Jun 12th 2009, 2:44

      look i like movies, movies are basically the core of my life. They are what i do. And thus i like total film. It gives me the most trusted reviews, and makes me laugh out loud month after month. It is by far my favourite mag, ever. But I really like the remake of godzilla. I always have and i probably always will. I came out when i first started to realise what blockbusters are. Maybe that's why i like it, personal reasons, it represents a stage in my development. However, when I watch it, even today i still find it a none stop thrill ride. I think it is as every bit as good as transformers 1 and the same type of film. To kind of quote your own mag quoting Megan Fox in this respect if you want to see plot go see something else.

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    • somewhatfrail

      Jun 12th 2009, 15:18

      I take it you guys have seen the great Nicolas Cage Watches The Wicker Man on Youtube? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QqgIzlmdBc Effing brilliant! :D

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