Oscar fever is upon us - but don't get too excited. There are still plenty of hypothetical situations to worry about. Plenty of things that could still ruin the 2009 Oscars. Here are seven of them.
The Credit Crunch Kicks In.
We're a bit worried about the current financial situation and its possible impact on the glitziest ceremony in the world.
Because what would a credit crunch Oscar night look like? Would it take place in a park, with a tramp doing a dance whilst another tramp hands the Best Actress fish to Kate Winslet?
That might sound brilliant. But you wouldn’t be able to see it, because it wouldn’t be televised. The Academy couldn’t afford cameras. Instead, someone would have to hold up a cat and point it at the famous people.
The cat would have to remember everything, so it could meow a description to the media the next day. And have you ever heard a cat try to describe the Oscars? They have a really hard time conveying atmosphere.[page-break]
Hugh Jackman Uses The Ceremony As Another Forum To Justify Wolverine.
You’ll have seen this year’s Oscar host Hugh Jackman’s letter to Ain’t It Cool News, explaining that Wolverine is going to be ‘bad-ass’ despite the reshoots.
What if he decides that wasn’t enough to get his message across, ignores the scripted patter and launches into a four-hour monologue about what a big fan of Wolverine he is, in costume? We’re not sure if we could sit through that.
Starlets Decide To Cover Up.
During the Oscar build-up, we usually try to spot at least one famous starlet who's decided to put on a brilliant dress, so they can use the ceremony as a chance to remind us what great boobs they’ve got.
But what if no-one decides to wear one of those special dresses this year? What if we miss out on the sort of frocks pictured below?
Please Oscar Gods, please don't take them away from us.
President Obama Decides That Films Aren’t As Good As They Used To Be.
President Obama is a big fan of the Oscars. All four of his favourite films are Oscar Winners. But none of them are modern flicks. This scares us.
Now he’s the most powerful man in the world, he could suddenly decide that because Francis Ford Coppola hasn’t made a decent movie since 1997 the Oscar system doesn’t work.
And as he said in his inauguration speech: “The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works... Where the answer is no, programs will end.” Swop 'government' for Academy, and 'programs' for Oscars and we’re all in trouble.
There’s A Minor Terrorist Attack.
Speaking of Obama, he made it clear in his inauguration speech that he hates terrorists. What if those terrorists get offended. What if they decide to hit Obama where it hurts. What if they attack his favourite hobby, the movies?
An attack on Oscar night, even a minor one (like someone putting anthrax into stars’ goodie bags or something) would really spoil what should be a magical evening for people like Mickey Rourke, David Fincher and the chap who played Wall-E.
Someone Tries To Steal The Oscars, Someone Succeeds.
Every year someone uses the Oscars as an excuse to go on the rob. Whether they’re stealing diamonds during Oscar parties, or stealing the Oscars themselves, where there’s gold, there’s thieves.
If those naughty robbers finally get their mucky paws on all the Oscars, we’ll be faced with some sort of Oscar Armistice, where previous winners have to hand in their statuettes, so that this year’s winners can have something to put in their toilet like Nicolas Cage did when he won one that time.
No-one Votes For Heath.
Picture the scene. Heath Ledger’s been nominated for Best Supporting Actor. But because The Dark Knight’s a comic-book movie, the idiots at the Academy decide to give it to someone else.
If that happens, we will kick our television sets in. That’ll ruin the night for us, that’s for sure.