7 Weird Bits Of Star Trek Merchandise

Car horns to coffins for the dedicated fan buyer…

Where there’s a franchise, there’s money to be made, and Star Trek is no exception.

For all the movies and TV shows, various licensing companies have pumped out all manner of toys, books, gadgets and novelties.

The new film is naturally not immune (check out the Trek Barbies above) but we doubt much of what is produced for JJ Abrams’ adventure could match some of the utterly bizarre stuff from the past.

We’ll take a look at just some of what’s out there. Buyer beware…

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Andorian Action Figure


What is it? An Andorian alien figure from the Original Series (specifically, the episode ‘Whom Gods Destroy’, trivia fans).

Why is it weird? Because it looks like it’s dressed for one of Elton John’s crazier parties. Either that or he’s the host of a new reality show Andorian Eye For The Straight Guy.

For once, however, we really can’t blame the toy’s makers – the character really did dress like that (see below).

Where you can get it:
Set browsers to eBay, where it’s selling for around 99p.

Cheap plastic for a cheap price. Bargain!


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Classic Series Theme car horn

What is it? Exactly as promised – it’s a car horn that blares the original Trek theme, as composed by Alexander Courage.

Who probably didn’t foresee that it would get used to tell off lane-jumpers when he was writing it.

Why is it weird? Even if you’re the sort of fan who wants to make your car look and sound like the Enterprise, this isn’t the way to go.

Plus, from the sound sample found here, it sounds like pure audio horror. Just don't honk it over and over until your ears bleed and you crash your car on purpose to make it stop.

Where you can get it:
Amazon is the place to find this for the surely-only-dedicated-Trekkers price of $73.

And your motoring dignity.

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Torpedo Casket

What is it? Um, it’s a coffin. You know, like the torpedo Spock is “buried” (read: shot out of a tube) in at the end of Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan.

Why is it weird? Look, if you really want to go out the same way as Spock, we can’t stop you. But we doubt your grieving family would be too impressed.

And it’s not like you get a lot out of it – you won’t be around to enjoy it.

Where you can get it: It’s not on sale quite yet – Eternal Image is promising it’ll be available shortly.

Please note: the whole “resurrection on the Genesis Planet” was a one-time deal for Spock only. No coming back for you!

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Themed Cologne


What is it?
Three scents for the discerning Trekker who wishes to smell nice.

No cheap jokes about how “it’s an improvement”, please.

Why is it weird? You can have your choice of three.

There’s Tiberius for men (“Difficult to define, impossible to refuse. In any universe. Take Tiberius on your next mission and be transported to new worlds of sensual discovery,”) Pon Farr for women (“Because having is not always so pleasing a thing as wanting,”) and, er Red Shirt.

Yes, Red Shirt. Which we love the most, because it totally gets into the joke. (“Tomorrow May Never Come.”) If you really need to smell like someone who could die soon, this is the stink for you!

Maybe double purchase it with the coffin, just in case?

Where you can get it:Genki Wear has all three for $29.99 each.

Surely worth it for that next hot date with a Green-Skinned lady or hulking Klingon bloke?

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Starfleet Academy Spork


What is it? A Spork. You know, those strange fork/spoon combo things.
For eating with.

Why is it weird? There’s really no evidence that Starfleet Academy uses these things in its mess hall (see below). So in reality, you’re just buying a weird little snack gadget.

Maybe in the next film, Spock could kill someone with a Spork. And get called “Mr Spork” by the rest of the crew. We’re giggling just thinking about it.

Email us, JJ – we’ll sell you the gag.

Where you can get it:
The geniuses at ThinkGeek dreamed this one up: “Seriously, folks, the Star Trek Starfleet Academy Titanium Spork is just about the coolest Star Trek collectible ever, because it is fully functional.

Just like the one Kirk used while a student, these are laser engraved with the Starfleet emblem and other stuff which we'll tell you about soon.”

Yours for just $19.99.

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Vulcan Land Deed

What is it? The rights to own a parcel of land on planet Vulcan.

Well, at least, it claims to be that. The Official Star Trek site pimps it, so it must be legit, right? Right?

Why is it weird? It’s a land deed. To a planet that doesn’t actually exist.

Sure, it’s decorative, but you’re pretty much paying for a nicely designed certificate.

SPOILER ALERT! Skip to the next page if you’ve yet to see the new film.

Plus, land prices on Vulcan are about to go waaaay down, as anyone who has seen JJ Abrams’ new pic can attest.

Where you can get it: Star Trek Properties, alongside Starfleet Academy graduation certificates and official “I completed the Kobyashi Maru test” notices.

So you can boast about that, then. The Vulcan land can be yours for $39.99. Limited Edition, too.

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Captain’s Chai
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What is it? A replica of Captain Kirk’s chair from the bridge in the original series.

Why is it weird? Actually, this one’s pretty cool. A full-size piece, this even includes lights and sound effects to make you think you’re commanding the Enterprise.

We can’t guarantee it’ll get you lots of hot alien lady action, though. Mostly just pointing and laughing.

Where you can get it: Entertainment Earth will sell it to you for the highly reasonable price of $2,199 Earth Pounds.

And hurry –there are only 1,701 of these (see what they did there?) for sale.

We asked the Ed if we could have one for the totalfilm.com office. And he said no.

Spoilsport.
 

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