Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and we're all under pressure to find the perfect card and gift for our partner or stalker-crush.
Stoopid card and gift companies...
But there are plenty of good ideas floating around in movie-land, and while not all of them can be dragged from fantasy into reality, it should be fun trying...
Plus, whoever receives one of these gifts will 100% love you forever, guaranteed*.
The Film: Rocky IV (1985)
The Present: A robo-jukebox/maid given by Rocky to Paulie.
Why Your Other Half Would Love It: Oh, come on… Who wouldn’t love a robotic assistant to serve drinks, crank out tunes and talk to you in the vaguely disturbing robot voice of your choosing: 'Lobotomised Male' or 'Spunky Lady'?
Plus, like everyone suspects about Paulie, it could serve… other… uses, too.
Real-world Equivalent: Honda’s ASIMO, a snip at $166,000. To rent. For a year.
*Love cannot be guaranteed.
The Film: Star Wars (1977)
The Present: A lightsaber, preferably passed down from a dead parent.
Why Your Other Half Would Love It: Lightsabers are incredibly handy – they make for perfect self-defence weapons (particularly in bars), and are not as clumsy or as random as a blaster.
Plus, they slice, dice and go down a storm at parties. Particularly lightsaber parties.
Real World Equivalent: Scientists can use lasers to replicate the ‘saber, except that without the special space-gems that channel the power, the effect would be limited to a beam that shoots an infinite distance ahead, destroying whatever’s in a straight line before it. Impractical.
Or a set of knives. Probably a little more feasible.
And still useful for parties.
The Film: Gremlins (1984)
The Present: Mogwai, the fluffy delight owned by Billy Peltzer.
Why Your Other Half Would Love It: Cute, charming and relatively self-aware, Mogwai are fantastic pets.
Just be careful how you feed them, and don’t ever get them wet.
Real World Equivalent: Tough one. We’d guess kitten, but since few real animals spawn scaly monsters that terrorise entire towns, we’ll go with a slightly feral, multiple-personality alley cat... All purring and friendly one minute; a hissing ball of fur and claws the next.
Still, maybe that's the kind of thing you look for in a partner...
Be warned, though - that's great for a few weeks but then you'll start to crave something a bit more dependable and not so high-maintenance. Never make the mistake of trying to extend a short-term thrill relationship into something it was never meant to be.
The Film: Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone (2001)
The Present: Invisibility Cloak, given to Harry for Christmas, remember?
Why Your Other Half Would Love It: Female valentines would use it for snooping on friends and to get the latest gossip about, er, themselves.
Blokes would head straight for the women’s shower room of the nearest leisure centre.
It could also be used to memorise other people's pin numbers at cash machines. This would make you rich - then you'd be able to fool someone into loving you by buying them lots of expensive presents.
That never works out, either. A relationship has to be based on mutual attraction and trust for it to evolve into a true partnership. A need/greed arrangement only leads to a sort of toxic dependency.
Real World Equivalent: Bad news. Scientists aren’t all that close to making bespoke invisibility a reality yet. Still, you could fool someone into thinking you're invisible by pre-recording your voice saying things and hiding it in a nearby drawer.
The Film: Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring (2001)
The Present: The Star of Earendil, in a handy carrying phial.
Why Your Other Half Would Love It: It’s pretty.
And pretty useful, when it came to the crunch, since it illuminated the danger in Shelob’s lair and helped Frodo out in his time of need.
Real World Equivalent: A big torch.
It’ll give plenty of light and if any spiders happen along, you can crush them with ease. As long as they're not giant.
The Film: The Golden Compass (2007)
The Present: An Alethiometer, given to Lyra Belacqua for safekeeping.
Why Your Other Half Would Love It: The Alethiometer of the movie can provide a trained user with the answer to any question. That’s got to come in handy at pub quizzes.
Real World Equivalent: An iPhone.
Might want to get a case to go with it if, like Lyra, you're planning a trip to the North Pole, though.
The Film: Wall-E (2008)
The Present: The last plant on Earth.
Why Your Other Half Would Love it: If she’s a girl, it’s A) technically flowers and B) ultra-rare, so she can brag about it.
Real World Equivalent: While flowers are easy to come by, you have to somehow make sure the ones you give are the last on Earth.
That would mean destroying every other plant on the planet. Best set about forming that mega-corporation quick...
Look, just get some roses, all right?