Gymkata (1985)

Ah, Gymkata.

Gymkata, Gymkata, Gymkata.

Just saying the name aloud sends a happy shiver down our cynical spines. It’s like the opposite of calling out Candyman.

As for actually watching it? Well, we’re pretty sure it’s evidence that not only do all the gods exist, but they love gymnastics-based martial arts movies.

But actually explaining Gymkata’s plot is a bit like trying to describe a butterfly’s wing to a blind man.

Still, we’ll give it our best shot.

Real-life Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas is Jonathan Cabot, an Olympic gymnast who’s hired by the US government to take part in ‘The Game,’ a fighting tournament held in the fictional land of Parmistan.

If you win the tournament, you get a wish. The US wants Cabot to use his wish to allow them to install the Star Wars programme in Parmistan. Seriously.

So Cabot spends a couple of weeks learning how to combine gymnastics with karate and heads off to Parmistan to take part in a series of increasingly hilarious fight scenes.

Wow, turns out it’s not as hard to explain as we thought.

The Stupidly Awesome Awesomely Stupid Fight:

Every single fight in Gymkata is stupidly awesome, because they all involve Cabot doing an idiotically elaborate move, while his foe watches patiently on before being kicked in the face.

But the pièce de résistance occurs when Cabot, running from an army of vicious warriors, happens upon a pummel horse in the middle of a peasant village.

This, obviously, is a stroke of massive luck.

What are the chances of a fighter whose skills are entirely dependent on his gymnastic abilities accidentally stumbling upon a handy bit of gym equipment in the centre of his enemy’s poverty-stricken habitat?

Slim, we’d say. Slim and brilliant.

The excellent coincidence leads to one of the finest action set-pieces in cinema history.

An army of sickle-sporting snarling warriors queue up to be dispatched one by one (because bum-rushing the twat on the medieval pummel horse would be unsporting) by a mulleted aerobics expert, whose kicks all seem to have the same sonic effect on human flesh and bone.

60 thwacks later and the audience has no choice but to stand and applaud.

Next: Ninja Terminator