Revenge Of The Ninja (1983)

Director Sam Firstenberg went on record to state that his “first decision was not to follow in the steps of the Hong Kong flicks, but to approach the movie as a straight Hollywood action movie with a martial arts slant, and the Ninjitsu mysticism the icing on the cake.”

The fact that Ninjitsu mysticism was deemed the icing on the cake in a movie called Revenge Of The Ninja is a bit like saying James Cameron decided to “add a boat at the last minute” to Titanic.

And it actually explains a lot.

Such as the fact that our hero is one of the stupidest ninjas ever seen in cinemas.

Not only does he take ages to notice that his family’s slaughtered bodies are lying around his house, he completely fails to realise that his constantly sneering best pal is a massive villain.

No real ninja would go and work in an art gallery full of statues doubling as heroin pots.

No real ninja would seal his sword forever when it’s pretty obvious that he’s going to have to get it out again in a minute.

And, most of all, no real ninja would stop his son from kicking the synth score out of a bunch of bullies twice his size because, now he’s in America, he thinks his family should chill out on the whole honour / fighting thing.

The Stupidly Awesome Awesomely Stupid Fight:

Sadly, that’s exactly what happens at the end of this brilliantly one-sided throw-down.

Despite the fact that they loom over him like adults whose voices haven't broken yet, Kane Kusugi is still able to unleash ninja justice on his bullies, taking the sort of swift kick to the ribs that’d make Daniel from The Karate Kid want to go into the bonsai business in the process.

There’s something about the smallest child on the planet getting peer-pressured by his nan into awkwardly kicking a Sesame Street reject off his BMX bike before being dealt some serious beats that makes us chuckle every time we watch it.

Especially as it's the precursor to one of the most po-faced slapstick scraps we've ever seen.

Shô Kosugi is a spoilsport for not letting it carry on for at least another two hours.

This film also contains a fight scene between our hero and a two tomahawk wielding American Indian. We totally nearly went with that one.

Next: Snake In The Monkey’s Shadow