We’re looking forward to seeing how Hugh Jackman gets on hosting this year’s Oscars.
He’s a great choice, and we’re sure he’ll do a brilliant job.
But we’re a bit fed up of seeing an actor or a comedian up there every year. Isn’t the ceremony supposed to celebrate the magic of the movies? How about letting a few film characters have a go every now and then? What could possibly go wrong?
Daniel Plainview (There Will Be Blood)
Upside: He’s good at speeches, he understands the lust for gold, and if a Michael Moore type steps up to the mike and tries to make a political statement, he can drink his milkshake. Drink it up!
Downside: If he decides that any of the nominees pose a direct threat to his wealth, he may well kill them. Or get drunk and put a napkin on his face.
“Ladies and gentlemen... I've travelled over half our state to be here tonight. I couldn't get away sooner because my new well was coming in at Coyote Hills and I had to see about it.That well is now flowing at two thousand barrels and it's paying me an income of five thousand dollars a week.
I have two others drilling and I have sixteen producing at Antelope. So, ladies and gentlemen... if I say I'm an oil man, you will agree. You have a great chance here, but bear in mind, you can lose it all if you're not careful. This is... the way that this works.”
Les Grossman (Tropic Thunder)
Upside: He knows the film industry inside out; in fact, he’d probably know the winners’ names before the Academy do.
And, if the ceremony starts to slow down, he can whip out his remote control, put some music on and get down to the beat.
Downside: The producers of the telecast will have to be quick on their bleep button.
“You paying attention? I'm talking... Oscars, Pecker! That's how we roll. No more BAFTA bitch prizes for my boy! Oh yeah! [Nodding and pointing to Jack Nicholson...] Playa... playa! Big dick playa!”
Jules (Pulp Fiction)
Upside: If the mikes fail, no would notice, because Jules sure can bellow out a monologue.
And if the Best Animated Film winner starts to go over their allotted speech time, instead of playing them off with music, Jules can just fire off a couple of mock-friendly warning shots.
Downside: He's a contract killer, and letting him on the red carpet would give him access to a lot of people the general public might like to see dead. If he decides to offer cut-price rates for his services, Ryan Seacrest is in big trouble.
“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.
Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. Welcome to the motherfucking 2009 Academy Awards!”
Mark Renton (Trainspotting)
Upside: Renton’s a charismatic lad, carrying a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face. If we’re prepared to ignore the heroin in his pocket, we could be in for the most popular Oscar presenter since Hugh Jackman.
Downside: If he gets bored he will intravenously inject morphine. Seeing as the Oscar ceremony lasts about five days, this could be a problem.
“Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family, Choose a big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends... Choose your future. Choose life. Choose your favourite film folk and hand them gold statuettes...”
Gollum (The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers)
Upside: If you’ve seen Gollum’s MTV Award acceptance speech you’ll agree that he should be a part of every awards ceremony, including the Oscars, The BAFTAs and the Razzies. If you haven't seen it, look below...
Downside: He’ll try and nick all the precious trophies, obviously.
“We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious Oscar! They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false! And here to present the award for Best Supporting Actress - Steve Martin!”
Withnail (Withnail And I)
Upside: One of the most articulate movie characters in history, he’ll weave the usual tired patter into purest comedy gold.
Downside: He’ll be drunk. Very drunk. On the finest wines available to humanity.
“What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, how like an angel in apprehension, how like a God! The beauty of the world, paragon of animals; and yet to me, what is this quintessence of dusk? Man delights not me, no, nor women neither, nor women neither. The Best Original Screenplay Oscar on the other hand...”
Carrie White (Carrie)
Upside: It’ll bring the lass out of her shell, and there’s a good chance the inevitable pig's blood shower will drown Kate Winslet before she has a chance to make her "I’m so surprised!” acceptance speech.
Downside: We'll probably lose an entire Hollywood generation to her wrath.
Applause dies down. Without speaking, Carrie blinks twice, and all the doors slam shut. Three Oscars tumble through the air and plunge deep into Ron Howard’s forehead. David Fincher starts to age backwards, until he’s nothing but a pool of jism on his seat. A seat filler doesn’t notice and sits down, grimacing. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt embrace cinematically as they both catch fire; a fire that quickly spreads... Sean Penn bangs both of his fists to the floor, weeping about the carnage surrounding him. The band play on.
The T-Rex (Jurassic Park)
Downside: Everyone dies.
Upside: The ceremony will be short for once.