More often than not, Christmas flicks have a very specific message. Family is important. Be nice. Presents are brilliant.
But there are some other very important messages hidden within your favourite Christmas films. Here they are.
Lesson 1: If you’re going to burgle a house at Christmas, take a gun.
Where we learnt it: Home Alone 1, 2, 3, 4.
Why: Robbers beware. Sometimes, parents leave their kids behind when they go on holiday at Christmas. So what? We hear you growl. Kids are easy to kill with your bare hands, right? Wrong.
Some of them are cunning enough to smack you in the face with a plank of wood when you’re trying your hardest just to live your life and steal their stuff.
So, follow the advice of Home Alone and always take a gun with you when you go on the rob. If you see a blonde haired kid applying aftershave and going ‘Ahhhhhhhh!’ – shoot it in the face.
Lesson 2: Never wear second-hand clothes
Where we learnt it: The Santa Clause
Why: Because if you pull on the wrong suit, you’ll turn into Santa. Which sounds like fun until you start to put on weight and realise that, suddenly, Christmas Eve is the worst day of the year. So, yeah, stay away from charity shops, okay?
Lesson 3: Never pretend to be Santa, people will think you’re mental.
Where we learnt it: Miracle On 34th Street
Why: You might think it’s a good idea to dress up as Santa to give your kids a really cool Christmas, but don’t do it. You’ll be hauled in front of a judge faster than you can say ‘ho ho ho’.
So listen to the advice of Miracle On 34th Street and make sure your kids know as early as possible that Santa is a lie. If your wife’s pregnant, maybe you should start early and shout that message at her stomach.
Lesson 4: Never go Christmas shopping.
Where we learnt it: Enemy Of The State, Serendipity
Why: Because if you’re Will Smith you’ll accidentally discover incriminating evidence that’ll cause you to be hunted down by rogue government agents, and if you’re John Cusack you’ll find out that your one true love is a woman who starred in Van Helsing. Either way, it’s probably best to get your gifts on the internet this year.
Lesson 5: Never travel at Christmas.
Where we learnt it: Cast Away
Why: If you get on a plane this Christmas, you will crash on a desert island, and after a couple of years you’ll be so lonely and skinny that you’ll start talking to a volley ball. Seriously, Cast Away thinks that winter getaway to LA is a really bad idea.
Lesson 6: Losing weight makes you have an affair.
Where we learnt it: Just Friends
Why: According to Just Friends, one minute you’re a likeable fatty, the next you’re the sort of person who goes back to his home town for Christmas in a Porsche to try and woo his high school crush, even though he’s in a relationship. What a bastard.
So, if you’re in a loving relationship, do what Just Friends suggests and eat as much as humanly possible. It’s the only way you’ll stay together.
Lesson 7: Father Christmas is a child-snatcher
Where we learnt it: Elf
Why: In the opening moments of Elf, Santa is in an orphanage delivering presents. A kid crawls into his sack and Mr Claus accidentally takes him home. Fair enough, St. Nick doesn’t notice until he gets back to the North Pole.
But when he does, he decides to keep the kid. That makes Santa a child snatcher in our eyes, and you should probably fill your chimney with razor blades this year, just in case the fat man decides to take your first born.
Lesson 8: Be as mean as possible, and you’ll get to hang out with ghosts.
Where we learnt it: Scrooge, Scrooged
Why: We spent most of our childhoods hunting for ghosts. If only we’d realised that all we had to do is kick our best friends in the shin and not one but three ghosts would want to come and hang out with us. Not only that, but they’d be/time travelling ghosts. If we’d have seen Scrooge a few years earlier, there would have been a lot of bruised legs in our vicinity, that’s for sure.