The last time we revisited those lurid '80s VHS shelves, we found ourselves mining an unexpectedly rich seam of design disasters and layout lunacy. And there's plenty more butt-clenching box art out there, rest assured - in fact, here are another 80 stinkers from a decade the graphics department forgot:
Shock Troop
They thought he was too old and boring to go skiing. Well, he'd show them. He'd show them ALL...
Blame It On The Night
Seems a waste when there are so many other, more obvious things to blame this total shambles on. Like the bloke forgetting to plug his microphone in, when it's quite clearly the 3-pin plug-in kind. "Helloooo Cleveland! Are you ready to ROCK? I SAID ARE YOU READY TO hey is this thing on?" etc.
Desperate Women
Yeah, that one on the left is clearly so 'desperate' that it takes three enormous cowpokes to wrestle her into position. We bet this film isn't a misogynist atrocity in the slightest.
DInosaurus!
Stone Age? Really? Might wanna check your dates there, guys - we're no historians, but we reckon you're about...ooh, 63 million years out. Also, what exactly have these ancient monsters got against construction vehicles?
Eat The Peach
You'll be eating the tarmac if you insist on driving at that frankly insensible angle, mate. By the way, is a confused endorsement from a Christian Science Monitor - whatever the hell one of those is - honestly the best you could do? Oh, it is. Oh right.
The Emerald Jungle
That strap line is a thing of awesomely clunky beauty, but why doesn't it mention the church fête where our hero got his belly all painted up like a cat's face? It strikes us as an important part of a not very important story.
Wolfman
"Hi, I'm Wolfman. Yeah, I guess it is a bit of a drag, now you mention it. Sigh."
Mob Boss
Actually, the last thing a dying mobster needs is a flying carpet. Or history's most agonisingly laboured strap line gag on the front of his shite-arse video.
Next: Lies! Boobs! Patterns!
Comments
DravenCage
Apr 5th 2010, 10:22
Sorry to get pedantic on your asses, but w***e 2 was released in 1994 and was a quasi-documentary featuring real hookers as well as actresses. I know this because I did an article on Ken Russell and w***e 2 is sometimes billed as a sequel to Russell's 1991 film w***e.
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DravenCage
Apr 5th 2010, 10:43
Octaman was released in 1971. For shame, Total Film, for shame. LOL
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RoyMantooth
Apr 5th 2010, 21:15
ok, ok, so I scroll down and read, "sex, sun, and murder..." for bikini island and have foreshadowed in my mind TF saying, "THAT'S A F***ING MOON!" and you guys comment on the tiny watermarked beach!? that's even funnier. well played. avoid the obvious.
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BenCh
Apr 6th 2010, 10:52
veLOLciraptor @ Wolfman
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Hadouken76
Apr 6th 2010, 15:17
I love the cover for Django strikes back. A scrawny western drifter suddenly becomes rip to the t/ts and holding and FIRING a 19th century gatlin gun rambo style...evn tho it can only be used standing up whilst someone else winds it!
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elmonty
Apr 9th 2010, 14:22
Not to mention the fact that the girl isn't even wearing a bikini...
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dkjm74
Apr 9th 2010, 15:22
The Kanji visible through the glass on the cover for 'The Vineyard' is 'Haru' which means 'Spring' and I know that because my Girlfriend is Japanese and that's her name - so what the hell is this guy doing with her glass??
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depechefan1
Apr 9th 2010, 15:23
Re the Leonard Maltin rading of 3 1/2 stars for Patterns, thats out of 4 not 5 guys!!
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SamaElPrime
Apr 9th 2010, 15:37
"Grannies are never, ever, EVER frightening" Oh yeah? you tell THAT about Lionel's mom in Braindead!
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Nickey09
Apr 9th 2010, 22:49
I think you can still find about 70 to 85% of those titles at your local Blockbuster Video... And I believe "Wizard of Gore" was a major influence to many current directors - that's scary in and of itself.
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wmcginty
Apr 10th 2010, 13:33
Not to get all pedantic, but "Eat the Peach" is about a guy who rides a motorbike Wall of Death, so he´s bound to be at that angle at some point. Plus, "The Stuff" is mistaken for an icecream type dessert, so it would be in the fridge. Though maybe I just misunderstood the joke for that one.
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