No Greater Gift
Literally the most shameless placement of a price sticker we've ever seen. And a heinous lie to boot.
One Away
Helicopters! Boobs! Uh, beards! And our leather-clad hero speeding blithely off in the complete opposite direction, presumably into a movie much, much duller than the risibly macho box art implies.
Patterns
A witheringly non-committal 3.5 from Leonard Maltin is nothing to crow about. That's like six-year-olds always saying "...and four months!" when asked their age. Anyway, Patterns?! Are you shitting us? What sort of patterns? Clearly not sewing ones - that's the worst-fitting suit we've ever seen. Is his tie tucked into his pants..? Jesus man, get a grip.
Phantom From Space
phantom, (n): an appearance or illusion without material substance. Probably shouldn't be trying to carry women around, then. And would a power that 'menaced the world' really qualify as 'secret'? We've never really tried, but we're guessing it'd pretty hard - and pointless - to menace a planet without anyone finding out.
Savage Island
One emergency copy of Roget's Thesaurus to the guys at Force Video, stat.
Seven Alone
Not only is 'seven alone' an inherently flawed concept, but unless we've had some kind of eye haemorrhage, there are like 11 people and two horses at this sickening Aryan picnic. You must think we were born yesterday. Which it looks like one of the picnickers literally was. Gross.
Sizzle
Yup - keep standing under that bright light, training a giant magnifying glass on your right tit, and eventually it will.
Sleeping Dogs
We've been assaulted by Big Brother many times, but we've never felt driven to attempt history's most cock-brained marriage proposal, unlike this fool. We do hope that's a ring in his other hand, and not like a Hula Hoop or a tramp's tooth or something. Hard to tell, given his giant Mickey Mouse gloves. This guy's weird.
Next: Snakes! School! Spandex!
Comments
DravenCage
Apr 5th 2010, 10:22
Sorry to get pedantic on your asses, but w***e 2 was released in 1994 and was a quasi-documentary featuring real hookers as well as actresses. I know this because I did an article on Ken Russell and w***e 2 is sometimes billed as a sequel to Russell's 1991 film w***e.
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DravenCage
Apr 5th 2010, 10:43
Octaman was released in 1971. For shame, Total Film, for shame. LOL
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RoyMantooth
Apr 5th 2010, 21:15
ok, ok, so I scroll down and read, "sex, sun, and murder..." for bikini island and have foreshadowed in my mind TF saying, "THAT'S A F***ING MOON!" and you guys comment on the tiny watermarked beach!? that's even funnier. well played. avoid the obvious.
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BenCh
Apr 6th 2010, 10:52
veLOLciraptor @ Wolfman
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Hadouken76
Apr 6th 2010, 15:17
I love the cover for Django strikes back. A scrawny western drifter suddenly becomes rip to the t/ts and holding and FIRING a 19th century gatlin gun rambo style...evn tho it can only be used standing up whilst someone else winds it!
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elmonty
Apr 9th 2010, 14:22
Not to mention the fact that the girl isn't even wearing a bikini...
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dkjm74
Apr 9th 2010, 15:22
The Kanji visible through the glass on the cover for 'The Vineyard' is 'Haru' which means 'Spring' and I know that because my Girlfriend is Japanese and that's her name - so what the hell is this guy doing with her glass??
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depechefan1
Apr 9th 2010, 15:23
Re the Leonard Maltin rading of 3 1/2 stars for Patterns, thats out of 4 not 5 guys!!
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SamaElPrime
Apr 9th 2010, 15:37
"Grannies are never, ever, EVER frightening" Oh yeah? you tell THAT about Lionel's mom in Braindead!
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Nickey09
Apr 9th 2010, 22:49
I think you can still find about 70 to 85% of those titles at your local Blockbuster Video... And I believe "Wizard of Gore" was a major influence to many current directors - that's scary in and of itself.
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wmcginty
Apr 10th 2010, 13:33
Not to get all pedantic, but "Eat the Peach" is about a guy who rides a motorbike Wall of Death, so he´s bound to be at that angle at some point. Plus, "The Stuff" is mistaken for an icecream type dessert, so it would be in the fridge. Though maybe I just misunderstood the joke for that one.
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