No Greater Gift
Literally the most shameless placement of a price sticker we've ever seen. And a heinous lie to boot.
Helicopters! Boobs! Uh, beards! And our leather-clad hero speeding blithely off in the complete opposite direction, presumably into a movie much, much duller than the risibly macho box art implies.
A witheringly non-committal 3.5 from Leonard Maltin is nothing to crow about. That's like six-year-olds always saying "...and four months!" when asked their age. Anyway, Patterns?! Are you shitting us? What sort of patterns? Clearly not sewing ones - that's the worst-fitting suit we've ever seen. Is his tie tucked into his pants..? Jesus man, get a grip.
Phantom From Space
phantom, (n): an appearance or illusion without material substance. Probably shouldn't be trying to carry women around, then. And would a power that 'menaced the world' really qualify as 'secret'? We've never really tried, but we're guessing it'd pretty hard - and pointless - to menace a planet without anyone finding out.
One emergency copy of Roget's Thesaurus to the guys at Force Video, stat.
Not only is 'seven alone' an inherently flawed concept, but unless we've had some kind of eye haemorrhage, there are like 11 people and two horses at this sickening Aryan picnic. You must think we were born yesterday. Which it looks like one of the picnickers literally was. Gross.
Yup - keep standing under that bright light, training a giant magnifying glass on your right tit, and eventually it will.
We've been assaulted by Big Brother many times, but we've never felt driven to attempt history's most cock-brained marriage proposal, unlike this fool. We do hope that's a ring in his other hand, and not like a Hula Hoop or a tramp's tooth or something. Hard to tell, given his giant Mickey Mouse gloves. This guy's weird.
Next: Snakes! School! Spandex!