Tropical Heat
A tale of blackmail, eroticism, murder and superglue, by the looks of it. Even the ghosts above the sun have got themselves in a mess. What a palaver - last time any of this lot take a model aeroplane kit on holiday, mark our words.
Where's Poppa
Huh? He's right there, you idiots, carving up the roast! What is this, like a really lame version of Where's Wally to play while we're rewinding the video? Well, there really wasn't any need to bother - nobody has ever rewound this film, and nobody ever will.
Widow's Nest
Hate to be pedantic, but that's actually called a 'web'. And we're not surprised she's a widow, given the amount of passive smoke hubby must've sucked down. She probably did alright out of the will, too...man, it's a cruel and twisted world we live in. So can we have a cigar?
Wizard Of Gore
"So we went to this awesome kids' party the other day, and they had this amazing wizard - yeah really, a wizard! - and then we went home and watched Lord Of The Rings, you know the one with the big beardy magician? And...wait, wizards are the ones with the rabbits, right? Ah dammit, I always get them mixed up. Anyway, we had a totally magician time..."
Death In The Shadows
Oh really? The shadows, you say? Er, shouldn't you be running in the other direction then?
Enemy Unseen
This one's brilliant, actually - a really clever combination of optical illusion and psychological misdirection. You stare and stare, and you can tell that the title is kinda supposed to be a clue, so you stare some more, and right when you're about to give up you suddenly catch like a tiny glimpse of a lizard or a dragon or something in the middle, and then it's gone again, and you're not even sure whether it was really there at all. It's crazy, you should totally try it!
Brain Sucker
Nice try, yellow sticker - but even your horribly unjustified text can't distract us from the real issue here. Something mighty odd has occurred around this plucky young woman's chest area - we're thinking a sort of reverse spot-the-ball contest might help us work out exactly which ungodly angle this queasy, boob-mangling shot was taken from.
Chamber Of Horrors
Well, armour. And steps. But for anyone harbouring a phobia of both, this movie will freak the living shit out of you.
Next: Fish! Tractors! Doors!
Comments
DravenCage
Apr 5th 2010, 10:22
Sorry to get pedantic on your asses, but w***e 2 was released in 1994 and was a quasi-documentary featuring real hookers as well as actresses. I know this because I did an article on Ken Russell and w***e 2 is sometimes billed as a sequel to Russell's 1991 film w***e.
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DravenCage
Apr 5th 2010, 10:43
Octaman was released in 1971. For shame, Total Film, for shame. LOL
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RoyMantooth
Apr 5th 2010, 21:15
ok, ok, so I scroll down and read, "sex, sun, and murder..." for bikini island and have foreshadowed in my mind TF saying, "THAT'S A F***ING MOON!" and you guys comment on the tiny watermarked beach!? that's even funnier. well played. avoid the obvious.
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BenCh
Apr 6th 2010, 10:52
veLOLciraptor @ Wolfman
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Hadouken76
Apr 6th 2010, 15:17
I love the cover for Django strikes back. A scrawny western drifter suddenly becomes rip to the t/ts and holding and FIRING a 19th century gatlin gun rambo style...evn tho it can only be used standing up whilst someone else winds it!
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elmonty
Apr 9th 2010, 14:22
Not to mention the fact that the girl isn't even wearing a bikini...
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dkjm74
Apr 9th 2010, 15:22
The Kanji visible through the glass on the cover for 'The Vineyard' is 'Haru' which means 'Spring' and I know that because my Girlfriend is Japanese and that's her name - so what the hell is this guy doing with her glass??
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depechefan1
Apr 9th 2010, 15:23
Re the Leonard Maltin rading of 3 1/2 stars for Patterns, thats out of 4 not 5 guys!!
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SamaElPrime
Apr 9th 2010, 15:37
"Grannies are never, ever, EVER frightening" Oh yeah? you tell THAT about Lionel's mom in Braindead!
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Nickey09
Apr 9th 2010, 22:49
I think you can still find about 70 to 85% of those titles at your local Blockbuster Video... And I believe "Wizard of Gore" was a major influence to many current directors - that's scary in and of itself.
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wmcginty
Apr 10th 2010, 13:33
Not to get all pedantic, but "Eat the Peach" is about a guy who rides a motorbike Wall of Death, so he´s bound to be at that angle at some point. Plus, "The Stuff" is mistaken for an icecream type dessert, so it would be in the fridge. Though maybe I just misunderstood the joke for that one.
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