A tale of blackmail, eroticism, murder and superglue, by the looks of it. Even the ghosts above the sun have got themselves in a mess. What a palaver - last time any of this lot take a model aeroplane kit on holiday, mark our words.
Huh? He's right there, you idiots, carving up the roast! What is this, like a really lame version of Where's Wally to play while we're rewinding the video? Well, there really wasn't any need to bother - nobody has ever rewound this film, and nobody ever will.
Hate to be pedantic, but that's actually called a 'web'. And we're not surprised she's a widow, given the amount of passive smoke hubby must've sucked down. She probably did alright out of the will, too...man, it's a cruel and twisted world we live in. So can we have a cigar?
Wizard Of Gore
"So we went to this awesome kids' party the other day, and they had this amazing wizard - yeah really, a wizard! - and then we went home and watched Lord Of The Rings, you know the one with the big beardy magician? And...wait, wizards are the ones with the rabbits, right? Ah dammit, I always get them mixed up. Anyway, we had a totally magician time..."
Death In The Shadows
Oh really? The shadows, you say? Er, shouldn't you be running in the other direction then?
This one's brilliant, actually - a really clever combination of optical illusion and psychological misdirection. You stare and stare, and you can tell that the title is kinda supposed to be a clue, so you stare some more, and right when you're about to give up you suddenly catch like a tiny glimpse of a lizard or a dragon or something in the middle, and then it's gone again, and you're not even sure whether it was really there at all. It's crazy, you should totally try it!
Nice try, yellow sticker - but even your horribly unjustified text can't distract us from the real issue here. Something mighty odd has occurred around this plucky young woman's chest area - we're thinking a sort of reverse spot-the-ball contest might help us work out exactly which ungodly angle this queasy, boob-mangling shot was taken from.
Chamber Of Horrors
Well, armour. And steps. But for anyone harbouring a phobia of both, this movie will freak the living shit out of you.
Next: Fish! Tractors! Doors!