Devilfish
Rule #1 of strap line writing: if caught between two deliciously witty puns, just pick one. Don't be a hero and try to squeeze in both - you'll end up eating into the art development time, and the intern will have to do all the Photoshopping in his lunch break. Which usually results in wretched, faintly baffling scribbleturds like this one.
Dixie Changing Habits
There's no way we're watching it to find out, but we assume the story goes something like: "Rich poser one day goes mental and steals a tiny roadsign. A nun tries to lead her back to virtue, but ends up becoming corrupted herself, and the resulting crime spree culminates in grand theft tractor. Think Thelma And Louise meets...well, a chronic lack of funding for a profoundly toss idea."
Don't Open The Door
D'OH!
Hooray For Howie Would
Hooray indeed. His story of triumph over adversity must be a huge inspiration to all people born with chopsticks for legs.
The Fourth War
The Fourth War is often omitted from history books, largely beacause it took place between two blokes in a pond. In fact, it was more or a scrap than anything. A freelance field commander turned up at one point hoping to score himself a bit of extra work, but it was all over bar the shouting within about eight or nine minutes, and neither side really bothered with tactics as such. It is commonly referred to as The Rubbish War.
Full Metal Ninja
"Alright then, half metal. Still not buying it, eh? Um...a quarter then? Ok, well his sword is definitely metal. Apart from the handle, I think that would probably have been ivory - I dunno, in all honesty I didn't do that much design research on this one. Look, just gimme my cheque and I'll piss off, yeah?"
Dance With Death
Common Photoshop Disasters #581: The missing limb. And no, trying to pretend it's just because your cover star is humping a giant gun doesn't really cut it. Step back a bit and look again. If you're at all worried it might be stupid, it almost certainly is. Actually, if you're at all worried it might be stupid, you're probably not an '80s video sleeve designer.
Murder By Natural Causes
If there was a single gun-shaped piece in a whole otherwise regular-shaped jigsaw, what brand of moron wouldn't use it as the starting point? Plus another honourable mention here for services to genuinely atrocious titles. Half Past Dead, while not exactly threatened, is certainly glancing over one shoulder.
Next: Chains! Exams! Animals!
Comments
DravenCage
Apr 5th 2010, 10:22
Sorry to get pedantic on your asses, but w***e 2 was released in 1994 and was a quasi-documentary featuring real hookers as well as actresses. I know this because I did an article on Ken Russell and w***e 2 is sometimes billed as a sequel to Russell's 1991 film w***e.
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DravenCage
Apr 5th 2010, 10:43
Octaman was released in 1971. For shame, Total Film, for shame. LOL
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RoyMantooth
Apr 5th 2010, 21:15
ok, ok, so I scroll down and read, "sex, sun, and murder..." for bikini island and have foreshadowed in my mind TF saying, "THAT'S A F***ING MOON!" and you guys comment on the tiny watermarked beach!? that's even funnier. well played. avoid the obvious.
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BenCh
Apr 6th 2010, 10:52
veLOLciraptor @ Wolfman
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Hadouken76
Apr 6th 2010, 15:17
I love the cover for Django strikes back. A scrawny western drifter suddenly becomes rip to the t/ts and holding and FIRING a 19th century gatlin gun rambo style...evn tho it can only be used standing up whilst someone else winds it!
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elmonty
Apr 9th 2010, 14:22
Not to mention the fact that the girl isn't even wearing a bikini...
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dkjm74
Apr 9th 2010, 15:22
The Kanji visible through the glass on the cover for 'The Vineyard' is 'Haru' which means 'Spring' and I know that because my Girlfriend is Japanese and that's her name - so what the hell is this guy doing with her glass??
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depechefan1
Apr 9th 2010, 15:23
Re the Leonard Maltin rading of 3 1/2 stars for Patterns, thats out of 4 not 5 guys!!
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SamaElPrime
Apr 9th 2010, 15:37
"Grannies are never, ever, EVER frightening" Oh yeah? you tell THAT about Lionel's mom in Braindead!
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Nickey09
Apr 9th 2010, 22:49
I think you can still find about 70 to 85% of those titles at your local Blockbuster Video... And I believe "Wizard of Gore" was a major influence to many current directors - that's scary in and of itself.
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wmcginty
Apr 10th 2010, 13:33
Not to get all pedantic, but "Eat the Peach" is about a guy who rides a motorbike Wall of Death, so he´s bound to be at that angle at some point. Plus, "The Stuff" is mistaken for an icecream type dessert, so it would be in the fridge. Though maybe I just misunderstood the joke for that one.
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