Citizen Zane

Alex Zane's views on the Hollywood news

One of the most terrifying movies of many a childhood is getting the remake treatment.

Stephen King’s It was a prime example of how to encourage bedwetting in children: Tim Curry, covered in greasepaint, hanging around in sewers, tearing little boys’ arms off...

It’s going to be difficult to find anyone as terrifying as Curry to play child-killing clown Pennywise. I can only think of one person – Tim Curry. Or force an actual clown to live in the sewers for a year prior to shooting with only a DVD of Problem Child for company.

Things are looking promising for a sequel to Prometheus.

Ridley Scott has even hinted at a possible title: Paradise. The suggested story follows [MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT!] Rapace and Fassbender on their journey to the Engineer home planet to confront a ‘God-like creature’ only to find out Paradise is far from, er, paradise.

It all sounds bit like Star Trek V... The Enterprise travels to desolate planet to meet their supposed creator. Creator turns out to be a bit of a dick. And Uhura performs a do-it-yourself caesarean to remove an alien foetus. Or was it a creepy fan dance? I can’t be sure.

But before Prometheus scribe Damon Lindelof can start writing a sequel, he’s busy saving some zombies.

He’s been brought in to “rework” the third act of Brad Pitt’s troubled adaptation of Max Brooks’ excellent novel, World War Z.

Apparently the filmmakers struggled with the most basic question of how their undead should even move. It’s quite simple: a slow, shuffling gait: good. Having them do the Macarena: bad.

Something that wasn’t bad was 2011’s amazing Green Lantern movie. No? Of course no.

It’s remembered for having the worst onscreen villain in recent memory and being a bit shit. Quite why the filmmakers decided Parallax should resemble a giant space fart is a question too big to be answered here.

It’s probably contributed to why Warner Bros is delaying their decision as to whether to greenlight a sequel or ditch Ryan Reynolds and reboot from scratch. I say reboot and let Reynolds get on with the Deadpool movie. As for the new Lantern? Nathan Fillion please.

Gore Verbinski’s The Lone Ranger has apparently gone way over budget, despite having expensive scenes with CGI werewolves cut (Good, sounded very Van Helsing).

The increase is due to Verbinski insisting on new steam trains rather than re-using old ones.

Sounds like he hasn’t forgiven the studio for axing his werewolves. GV (talking like a child): “Build me a train. NOW!” Disney: “Er... Mr Verbinski, we have old ones you could use.” GV: “No train. No movie.... And I want a scene where crabs move the train and Jack Sparrow meets loads of versions of himself.” Disney (worried): “Jack Sparrow?”

Do you agree or disagree with Alex? Let us know in the comments box belowor Tweet us @totalfilm, using the hashtag #citizenzane

Comments

    • Heisenberg

      Jul 20th 2012, 8:25

      It really p**ses me off when people use the cliched "it'll be hard to find someone as good as...." etc. They said the same for Heath Ledger and Joker, its hard not going to be overly hard to play a scary clown, i'm sure someone in this day and age could play Pennywise very well. But it will simply b down to the script/makeup as to whether he is actually scary.

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    • bogman2099

      Jul 20th 2012, 9:57

      hi alex i watched you at the premiere of the dark knight rises and i just want to say what an absolute tool you ae you are with out doubt the worst thing to happen to movies since paul ross wrote for the news of the world.why cant you ask an actor director or producer a original question and not a*s licking that makes your stumoch turn?no kermode you are.

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    • bencobra

      Jul 20th 2012, 11:35

      What an embarrassment. Then again I'll probably just not read it.

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    • davidstuart

      Jul 20th 2012, 11:54

      Want a bloke to stand in front of a camera and crack s**te pre written jokes, yep hes your man. But how much are you actually paying hem to cut and paste the bollocks above?

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    • chickensandwich

      Jul 20th 2012, 12:02

      Well done anonymous Internet posters. Keep the insults going you brave brave people.

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    • piffle

      Jul 20th 2012, 12:07

      Can I have a couple of pence off my subsciption please? There's no chance of me reading any more derivative and unoriginal twaddle like the above so its a whole page in the magazine that's lost to me.

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    • Benmorse

      Jul 20th 2012, 14:33

      Not anonymous, but happy to say that Zane is a talentless hack, I have absolutely no interest in his poorly informed opinions, and I'm amazed that anyone ever thought his bland, pointless bleating would appeal to TF's core audience (male, 15-35, I'm guessing). With this and the "FIFTY BEST x" lists every other day, I think the chances of me renewing my subs just got a little further away...

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    • 2Dglasses

      Jul 20th 2012, 14:46

      I dont know if thats ironic, but that isnt a MASSIVE SPOILER. Its kind of the plot of the film...? If i read about Aliens "Ripley travels back to the alien planet to investigate the aliens with marines in tow", that aint a spoiler. We all know they go to planet Mcguffin to do something or other, the spoiler would be that it isnt disappointing and overmarketed/exposed.

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    • Benmorse

      Jul 20th 2012, 14:48

      also the irony of "chickensandwich" insulting "anonymous internet posters" should not go un-noticed.

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    • lexis

      Jul 20th 2012, 15:32

      Yeah coz 15-35 males are well alike, you dick! Get a friggin life, lemme guess - you done a film course, you suck... unsub you boring f**k...

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    • lexis

      Jul 20th 2012, 15:32

      oh yeah, that was for benmorse.... eejit.

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    • littlestpicshow

      Jul 20th 2012, 15:49

      It sounded like Alex just gave the thumbs up to a Green Lantern reboot. Oh the humanity.

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    • Hadouken76

      Jul 20th 2012, 16:00

      When you have Richard Ayoade on your team, you don't need another columnist, especially one who is on work experience from T4 and has all the comedy skills of a naked clown invading a playground. The consensus is that Zane is surplus to requirements and is better off with the failed journalists at Heat Magazine . You know the kind, the ones that sob in the toilets at lunchtime, thinking about all the money they invested at college, only to wind up doing a piece on 'Celebrity sweat patches'. How they lie to their parents and friends who think they are still being head-hunted by The Guardian and are 'just waiting to confirm'.

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    • ohdearohdear

      Jul 20th 2012, 21:05

      I have been buying Total Film since the first issue waaaay back in 1997. Now it is clear to me that you really don't know your readers. Alex Zane! Alex Zane!? I have nothing against him personally but i never listen to him on the radio, avoid him on the TV now he's going to have a monthly column in magazine I pay for. So... I shall not be buying Total Film until Total Film comes to it's senses. I am sure I will not be alone in this.

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    • ohdearohdear

      Jul 20th 2012, 21:40

      Hang on. Maybe he just has a column on the website so TF can cynically exploit the Alex Zane fans and get more traffic to its site. If he's not in the magazine forget everything I just said...exploit away.

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    • chrysler

      Jul 21st 2012, 22:03

      My cat knows more about films than this eejit, and I don't even own a cat. I read TF cos Empire was too up its own a**e, but the arrival of this column in TF is quite a disturbing development. I might as well check out the glossy magazines that come free with the tabloids.

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    • chrysler

      Jul 21st 2012, 22:06

      @ohdearohdear: I see what you're getting at however the flaw in your logic is that you assume Alex Zane has fans!

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    • Murphy0806

      Jul 22nd 2012, 0:29

      To summarise... He's rubbish.

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    • ChrisWootton

      Jul 23rd 2012, 11:18

      I've been noticing that TF is basically becoming the new Loaded. I looked at the new issue yesterday (read since issue 1, been a subscriber at least twice over the years) and just thought why the f**k would i want to buy a magazine that has a 6-8 page spread with Keith Lemon dressed as famous characters in films and now Alex Zane (nothing personal to him) giving his view of who is wearing what and such insightfulness as, yeah! it was a good film.. what next? Jordan gives us a rundown to who has had what done? Missing the old days... tata TF.. it was a good run

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    • ohdearohdear

      Jul 23rd 2012, 12:53

      Issue 185 - That's the moment when everything started to fall apart at Total Film. Going back over my old issues that is the moment Jane Crowther took over from Aubrey Day as Editor. Seems we have her to thank for this 'dumbing down of 'Total Film'. Up until issue 185 the magazine was run by Aubrey Day. After that Jane Crowther became 'Acting Editor' then finally 'Editor-in-Chief. Buck your ideas up Jane. You're soon going to have no readership left.

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    • stephenrankin

      Jul 24th 2012, 22:27

      What load of s**t your coverage of the dark knight premiere was. Thank you for letting everyone know that Cillian Murphy was in despite the fact that in none of the teaser or trailer or tv spots revealed it. And what a load of s**te asking Tom Hardy what it was like to be standing in font of a giant crushed Batman mask......HMMM you are tool of the highest order. Please total film see sense please.

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    • Hadouken76

      Jul 24th 2012, 23:42

      lol @ drawn on beard

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    • Benmorse

      Jul 27th 2012, 13:16

      If "Lexis" is an example of the new typical TF reader, the defence rests. Come back when you can construct a sentence. Or spell.

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    • FILMTHEBLANKS

      Aug 17th 2012, 14:10

      Is "Lexis" short for something or, given the poor vocabulary on display, an incredibly ironic username. Either way Alex Zane if a waste of print, pixels and oxygen.

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