Citizen Zane

Alex Zane's views on the Hollywood news

Just as The Expendables assembled the greatest action cast ever, so Machete Kills is assembling the craziest.

Lindsay Lohan may have been jettisoned, but just when you thought it was safe to start insuring a movie, Charlie Sheen joins it as the US President, a decision best described (for want of a better defunct catchphrase) as “Winning!”

With Mel Gibson on board as the drug-lord villain, here’s hoping the next call is to Gary Busey. “Hi Gary! You still crazy?” Busey: (wearing a unitard and covered in jam) “Lobster, lobster, gibble!” “Great! You’re hired!”

Alan Partridge is getting his own movie.

I’ll understand if you’re not totally excited. Sure, there’s been a handful of bad Brit comedies over the years, but this could be the new Shaun Of The Dead. Or yes, the new Lesbian Vampire Killers, Guest House Paradiso, Magicians, Fat Slags, Three And Out, Sex Lives Of The Potato Menor Carry On Columbus.

Still, the way Partridge parodies a format – whether TV or radio – means a film version could be something special. Or the new Kevin And Perry Go Large, Mad Cows or St. Trinian’s... Or Bean. Or Blackball.

Dear Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver...

Great that you’re working on the script for Jurassic Park 4. As a big fan of Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes I’m particularly excited.

While I don’t mean to interfere with how you guys go about writing a film, I do have a tiny request, DON’T YOU DARE PUT A KID IN THIS ONE.

I do not want to see another Velociraptor get taken down by someone’s spawn hiding in a kitchen unit, doing some sodding gymnastics, or whatever that Stig-Of-The-Dump looking one in part three did.

Yours, Alex. P.S. Andy Serkis to mocap a Triceratops.

As the saying goes, “You can’t keep a good plastic robot down!” or something like that.

So Transformers 4: Assignment Miami Beach (working title) is heading our way. After pretending he wasn’t going to direct it for about seven minutes, Michael Bay has revealed that more of the film will be set in space and that he plans to shave $30m off the budget.

That shouldn’t be too hard as none of the original cast are returning, probably because they’re tired of having Bay setting off squibs in their faces while screaming: “Look at this Bay-eautiful Bayhem I’ve crea-Bay-ted!”

Deep Rising was brilliant, The Mummy was good, and then Stephen Sommers’ love affair with CGI got heavy.

He got needy to the point that CGI was telling him to back off or it’d call the police. Van Helsing was a mess, so for once a reboot is welcome.

And as for Tom Cruise as the vamp slayer? I’ll take that. Having proved his vocal ability in Rock Of Ages, let’s have a musical version: Van Hel-SINGS! “Those creatures of the night will get such a fright, when I’m a–hunting!”

Do you agree or disagree with Alex? Let us know in the comments box belowor Tweet us @totalfilm, using the hashtag #citizenzane


    • FBMHobbs

      Aug 17th 2012, 8:04

      Who cares what Alex Zane thinks......what a self obsessed picture too....

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    • FBSDeMorgan

      Aug 17th 2012, 8:11

      Still forging ahead with this guy, eh? Is it blackmail or something?

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    • writerdave87

      Aug 17th 2012, 8:28

      Rather than pay Alex Zane to recycle news you've already told us, could you pay for Josh Winning to expand his DVD collection before he writes another list?

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    • ChrisWootton

      Aug 17th 2012, 8:31

      I don't get it. How does this guys ramblings and feeble attempts at humour connect in any way to Total Film or it's readers?

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    • Hadouken76

      Aug 17th 2012, 9:26

      Is he under the impression this is T4 magazine and everyone thinks he's "like ZOMG! Soooo HiLaRiOu$!" ?

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    • joshwinning

      Aug 17th 2012, 9:30

      @writerdave87 - Happy to accept donations.

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    • reggieturvey

      Aug 17th 2012, 9:38

      I know where i haved seen the picture at the top of the page before, Its next to TOOL in the dictionary.

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    • Jeffbiscuits

      Aug 17th 2012, 9:40

      Hahaha. Brilliant :-)

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    • FBBWebster

      Aug 17th 2012, 10:48

      Dear Total Film, please can you let me know when you've stopped running these terrible articles so I can buy your magazine again? Thanks.

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    • RaveyDaveyGravy

      Aug 17th 2012, 11:01


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    • writerdave87

      Aug 17th 2012, 12:00

      Haha Josh nicely done :p I really don't get the point of Alex Zane though. Not just on here, but in general...

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    • smellyhands

      Aug 17th 2012, 12:17

      Why is this even a feature? No one cares for his opinions on anything, let alone the news.

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    • leonamos

      Aug 17th 2012, 12:21

      Who cares what this prick thinks!?

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      Aug 17th 2012, 13:56

      I dislike Alex Zane intensely. The way he looks, sounds ... breathes. All these things annoy me. The thing that annoys me most is that he has infiltrated my favourite film mag to spout ill conceived "comedy" opinions that no-one wants to read. Who cares what he thinks about anything, ever?

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    • DanRose

      Aug 17th 2012, 13:57

      I have skipped what he has to say to go straight to comments... I see I'm not alone when I say I don't give a f**k. Please don't go down this route TF or I will stop coming to your site, there are plenty out there but you have some great features, are pretty up-to-date and have some wonderful online readers with witty comments.... But if you subject me to him... some two-bob monkey, who thinks he is oh so achingly cool, shoreditch massive tight trouser wearing, talentless cretin... I'd rather read the ramblings of a dyslectic frog. Why not give one of your witty, talented online readers... (hint, look up) a section. Not this d****e..

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    • DanRose

      Aug 17th 2012, 13:59

      d****e was censored! Really?? Should of just called him a c**t then

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    • Jeffbiscuits

      Aug 17th 2012, 14:51

      hahaha! @danrose Our resident dylexic frog hasn't posted on here for a few weeks now.

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    • Benmorse

      Aug 17th 2012, 15:20

      Alex Zane critiquing UK comedy is like Chris Farley telling people they should cut back on the drugs and cake.

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    • Seion

      Aug 17th 2012, 15:25

      I thought that his dialogue on Rude Tube couldn't get any worse but this makes Police Academy : Mission To Moscow (you know, the one where they go to Russia) look like Godfather 2. Come on TF, I mean....really??

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    • andyswright

      Aug 17th 2012, 16:53

      Did you pay him any money to write this s***f? Good grief.

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    • FBMHobbs

      Aug 18th 2012, 9:59

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA....................f**k off Zane you talentless turd

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    • JohnJDuffy

      Aug 18th 2012, 17:50

      TF please get this t**t off your site he is a first class, 9 carrot gimp!!!

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    • garethlewis

      Aug 18th 2012, 20:28

      Who is the fella, does he even watch films? Blackball, Kevin & Perry go Large, Magicians and Bean were all reasonable films. Certinatly not flops like he is making out. Please get someone else, anyone else or sit him down and have a good long chat.

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    • thejonner

      Aug 19th 2012, 11:42

      Alex Zane is a c**t. That is all.

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    • gquinn81

      Aug 19th 2012, 18:38

      I actually think that he's both witty and charming, with an almost encyclopaedic knowledge of films..... Nah, only messing......he's a f*****g idiot

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    • ohdearohdear

      Aug 20th 2012, 8:09

      Ignoring your readers opinions about the s h i t e content currently infesting the mag is not the way to go Total Film. Stop Zane!

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    • Hadouken76

      Aug 20th 2012, 22:02

      Somewhere Smash Hits readers are confused as to why Neil Marshall is always writing about the blood and gore films he directs. Bring back Neil!

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    • Hadouken76

      Aug 20th 2012, 22:04

      *seems Smash Hits is gone. Duh .. Make that Heat magazine. Point still stands!

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