Citizen Zane

Alex Zane ponders the pros and cons of remakes

With the Total Recall remake looking like a box-office flop, is Hollywood finally going to sit up and realise that there is no point in remaking a movie, the original of which people still love?

There’s no part of me that’s interested in seeing new versions of RoboCop, The Evil Dead, Starship Troopers, Highlander or Time Bandits.

I mean, TIME BANDITS, how do you even remake that? There’s not a second of that movie that doesn’t have a part of Terry Gilliam’s soul in it.

But unlike some, I’m not opposed to the idea of remaking films in general.

Gareth Edwards taking on Godzilla is exciting, not least because the monster’s last outing featured Matthew Broderick using a pregnancy test on giant-lizard pee.

Why they didn’t go with Broderick’s exclamation: “He’s pregnant!” as the tagline is a mystery.

Dredd is another welcome remake. And before anyone starts saying the Stallone version wasn’t that bad, let me present you with the following evidence: a) it was and b) it had Rob Schneider as the comic relief. In a Judge Dredd movie. Exactly.

I know, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Maybe you didn’t like the original Highlander, but you loved the concept and think Ryan Reynolds playing Connor MacLeod is a super, awesome, swell idea. You’d be wrong, but maybe you think that.

However there are some movies that would benefit greatly from the remake treatment. Movies that had great ideas, but couldn’t deliver the spectacle to go with them.

Here are two movies begging to be remade...


Directed by Stuart Gordon (who went on to make the rather sublime Fortress), this is a brilliant low- budget sci-fi.

In a post-apocalyptic future where war has been outlawed, America and Russia settle disputes by having two blokes climb inside massive robots to fight to the death.

It’s basically Rocky IV with massive robots.

The acting is terrible, the effects are dated, but what a premise... Did I mention the massive robots?

Maybe Guillermo del Toro’s Pacific Rim will satisfy my craving for mechanoid carnage but if not, this needs to happen.


From the same studio that gave us Robot Jox – the now defunct Empire International Pictures – came this rather wonderful concept.

It’s basically the Cantina in Mos Eisley reimagined as a huge floating space station complete with a fight-to-the-death sport that takes place in an, er, arena.

The first ever human combatant is attempting to win against some formidable aliens. Watch the trailer online and you’ll see the potential.

I realise both my suggestions involve sport, but what can I say, I caught the Olympic bug.

Although, despite my newfound appreciation for all the perfect human athletes, I would’ve still rather watched Mo Farah racing against a grotesque cyborg minotaur called Horn.

Seriously, watch the Arena trailer.

What's your favourite movie remake? Let us know below...


    • Hadouken76

      Sep 14th 2012, 14:10

      "I know, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure." Theres nowt treasure here.

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    • SinSmithy

      Sep 14th 2012, 14:27

      Your new show "Meet the Parents" is the best example of a great concept with a s**t result I've seen in a long time!

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    • RaveyDaveyGravy

      Sep 14th 2012, 14:31

      Remake Time Bandits. 1 word, 50 times... why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why

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    • FBMHobbs

      Sep 15th 2012, 7:37

      Why is this useless turd still writing a column in TF.....?

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    • ohdearohdear

      Sep 15th 2012, 11:11


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    • Hadouken76

      Sep 15th 2012, 13:01

      Gutted. This Zane guy spends all that time dreaming up 'witty' remarks to put in this column-thingy. Only to be systematically destroyed by the comments on a monthly basis. Maybe he should try Heat Magazine, they are not big on journalism down there.

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    • judejarvis

      Sep 15th 2012, 14:09

      Seriously TF we've put up with Zane's mind diarrhoea for at least two months too many. I think it's time to lost the dead weight. I gave him a chance by reading his first column and this one (because of the change in it's format) but all it did was confirm my suspicions by being nothing more than a waste of my time. I will go back to turning rapidly to the next page, but I'd be a lot happier knowing than none of my subscription money was going towards paying his ill deserved wages.

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    • Seion

      Sep 15th 2012, 15:05

      Dawn Of The Dead was quite a respectful remake but the worst one was that really great film magazine that started its downward spiral into s**teism by employing the ever so not very talented Alex Zane. I wonder how Empire are doing?

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    • Hadouken76

      Sep 18th 2012, 9:37

      Can't the thieves who write the annoying spam for knock-off goods, do Zanes column instead? It would be better written.

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    • Spankymonkey

      Sep 18th 2012, 20:27

      I'm a big TF fan (use the website and buy the mag) but I've created an account to specifically ask why the f*ck is this cretin allowed to write a column??? His writing is poor, his "comedy" is worse and his insight into film is laughable. For gods sake TF get rid of this tight trouser wearing hipster otherwise you're going to lose another subscriber!!!

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    • Hadouken76

      Sep 19th 2012, 16:04

      More please! This guy is hilarious! Said no-one ever.

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    • FBBWebster

      Sep 25th 2012, 14:52

      Please, for the love of God, MAKE IT STOP. These columns actually made me cancel my subscription to TF. Unfortunately it runs 'til next March so who knows how many more of these I'll have to try and wipe from my memory.

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