Battle Royale: Deathmatch of the Decade

Clash of the Noughties Icons!

 

As the end of the decade approaches, Total Film dares to answer the question that everyone, deep down, has been asking themselves.

Who would win in the ultimate movie scrap of the decade?

Contenders have gathered from far and wide for this epic clash of the icons! This millennium has seen the creation (and rebooting) of some of the toughest characters ever seen in cinema, and they're here to slug it out for the title.

Entering our Royal Rumble we've got dark lords, assassins and super-spies!

Plus - we have zombie-killers, mythical beasts and giant robots!

We've even throw in a couple of deities for good measure!

So sit back and brace yourself for a bruising, bone-crunching brawl through the Noughties...

 

Round One! (Group A)

 

Borat vs Jesus



Borat (Sacha Baron Cohen)- Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)

Power: Ability to embarrass opponents into submission.

Weakness: Poor social skills.

Jesus (Jim Caviezel) - The Passion of the Christ (2004)

Power: Divine parentage.

Weakness: Too forgiving.

Result: Jesus self-sacrifices, but is then resurrected.

 

Ron Burgundy vs Aslan



Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell) - Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

Power: Burgundy and his co-reporters combine to make a formidable street gang.

Weakness: Prone to egotism.

Aslan (Liam Neeson: voice) - The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)

Power: Liam Neeson's vocal chords.

Weakness: Essentially an allegory

Result: Ron douses Aslan in scotch, fails to find light. Lion wins.

 

King Kong vs Mamma Mia's Donna



King Kong (Andy Serkis: motion capture) - King Kong (2005)

Power: Brute strength

Weakness: Tendency to get a bit emotional.

Donna Sheridan (Meryl Streep) - Mamma Mia! (2008)

Power: An unstoppable box office juggernaut.

Weakness: Breaks into ABBA tunes involuntarily.

Result: Kong rips off Donna's head. Shits down neck.

 

Jack Sparrow vs Optimus Prime



Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) - Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

Power: His charm offensive.

Weakness: Rum

Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen: voice) - Transformers (2007)

Power: Can cause Bayhem with his massive sword.

Weakness: Unsubtle disguise.

Result: Prime edges the battle of the bad sequels.

 

Cherry Darling vs Bridget Jones



Cherry Darling (Rose McGowan) - Planet Terror (2007)

Power: Has a gun for a leg.

Weakness: The wrong kind of man.

Bridget Jones (Renee Zellweger) - Bridget Jones's Diary (2001)

Power: Can moan the strongest of men to death.

Weakness: Emotional instability.

Result: One's got a gun for a leg. The other has a pen.

 

WALL-E vs Teddy



WALL-E (Ben Burtt: voice) - WALL-E (2008)

Power: Super compactor in his chest.

Weakness: A sucker for cute flying robots.

Teddy (Jack Angel: voice) - Artificial Intelligence: AI (2001)

Power: Built to last more than 2000 years.

Weakness: Soft, fluffy exterior diminishes his threat somewhat.

Result: More 'Teddy vs PUSS-E' than 'Ali vs Foreman'. Wiliness wins.

 

Harry Potter vs Donnie Darko



Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) - Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (2001)

Power: Wizard-in-training.

Weakness: Subject to the whim of his adolescent hormones.

Donnie Darko (Jake Gyllenhaal)- Donnie Darko (2001)

Power: Can change reality as we know it.

Weakness: He's only got 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds to do so.

Result: Potter does Imperio spell on Donnie. Tells him to lose. He does.

 

Batman vs Darth Vader



Batman (Christian Bale) - Batman Begins (2005)

Power: Batsuit and extensive, world-spanning training.

Weakness: Just a man.

Darth Vader (Hayden Christensen) - Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)

Power: The force!

Weakness: Old and frail under the suit.

Result: Clash of the titans: Sith bests sonar as it's a real power.

 

Next: Round One! (Group B)[page-break]

Round One! (Group B)

 

Daniel Plainview vs Edward Cullen



Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis) - There Will Be Blood (2007)

Power: Stone cold ruthlessness.

Weakness: The black stuff.

Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) - Twilight (2008)

Power: Can control the minds of the world's teenage girls.

Weakness: UV rays.

Result: With Daniel Planview hating bastards in baskets, he smites Cullen.

 

Erin Brockovich vs McLovin



Erin Brockovich (Julia Roberts) - Erin Brockovich (2000)

Power: Persuasive cleavage.

Weakness: More accustomed to legal battles than fisticuffs.

Fogell AKA 'McLovin' (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) - Superbad (2007)

Power: Fake ID.

Weakness: Debilitating fear of law enforcement.

Result: Erin flashes her assets, McLovin has a teen spurt. Erin mops up.

 

Frodo Baggins vs Sin City's Kevin



Frodo Baggins (Elijah Wood) - The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

Power: Ability to resist the forces of darkness.

Weakness: Diminutive stature.

Kevin (Elijah Wood) - Sin City (2005)

Power: Razor-sharp fingernails.

Weakness: Cannibalistic tendencies.

Result: It's Elijah Wood vs Elijah Wood and the sadistic one clinches it.

 

Anton Chigurh vs Hans Landa



Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem) - No Country for Old Men (2007)

Power: Carries a bolt gun.

Weakness: Penchant for coin flipping.

Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz) - Inglourious Basterds (2009)

Power: Ruthless hunting skills.

Weakness: Strudel.

Result: Landa can talk, but you can't talk past a cattle gun in the face.

 

Jason Bourne vs James Bond



Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) - The Bourne Identity (2002)

Power: Pretty handy with a magazine.

Weakness: Poor memory.

James Bond (Daniel Craig) - Casino Royale (2006)

Power: His licence to kill.

Weakness: The ladies.

Result: Bond needs tips on "going raw". Bourne picks up a mag. Kills him.

 

Shaun Riley vs Maximus



Shaun Riley (Simon Pegg) - Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Power: Pretty resourceful in a zombie holocaust.

Weakness: Just an everyman.

Maximus (Russell Crowe) - Gladiator (2000)

Power: Unstoppable in the arena.

Weakness: Lacks the will to live.

Result: The fight's not in Crouch End. And Maximus is an ex-general.

 

Randy 'The Ram' Robinson vs Spider-Man



Randy 'The Ram' Robinson (Mickey Rourke) - The Wrestler (2008)

Power: A lifetime's experience in the ring.

Weakness: Strippers.

Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire) - Spider-Man (2002)

Strength: Can do whatever a spider can.

Weakness: Has some great responsibilities to bear.

Result: Spider-Man beat far better wrestlers in #1. The Ram is down.

 

Beatrix 'The Bride' Kiddo vs Buddy the Elf



Beatrix 'The Bride' Kiddo (Uma Thurman) - Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)

Power: Nifty with a katana.

Weakness: Holds a grudge.

Buddy the Elf (Will Ferrell) - Elf (2003)

Power: Unbeatable in a snowball fight.

Weakness: Zooey Deschanel.

In a day glo battle, the one who can fight wins.

 

Next: Round Two![page-break]


Round Two!

 

 

Jesus vs Aslan

It's Jesus Christ vs Jesus Christ-metaphor. The actual Jesus self-sacrifices, but comes back.

 


King Kong vs Optimus Prime

Kong goes for the jaw. Prime cuts Kong in two with his sword.

 

Cherry Darling vs Teddy

One's got a machine gun for a leg. The other is a teddy.

 

Harry Potter vs Darth Vader

Potter tries Avada Kedavra. Vader mocks such kiddy spells.

 

Daniel Plainview vs Erin Brockovich

With Plainview hating eco-warriors, he fast smites oil-hating Erin.

 

Sin City's Kevin Vs Anton Chigurh

Irked that Kev's long nails can't toss his coin, Anton puts on a silencer to kill.

 

Jason Bourne vs Maximus

Mid dead son speech, Jason chops Maximus down with The Daily Scroll.

 

Spider-Man vs Beatrix 'The Bride' Kiddo

Web wraps sword. Sword cuts. Second web works. The Bride gets a divorce.

 

Next: Quarter-Finals![page-break]


Quarter-Finals!

 

 

Jesus vs Optimus Prime

Sinewy Jesus is no match for Prime. So he self-sacrifices, but resurrects.

 

Cherry Darling vs Darth Vader

Sharing the "more machine than..." thang, Cherry Darling and Darth Vader hit it off, with Cherry resigning out of respect for her crippled foe.

 

Daniel Plainview vs Anton Chigurh

"What's the most you ever lost on a coin toss?" "I'm an oil man.." Bang.

 

Jason Bourne vs Spider-Man

Spidey's favourite to win, but with The Daily Bugle lying around, you just know what's coming next.

 

Next: Semi-Finals![page-break]


Semi-Finals!

 

 

Jesus vs Darth Vader

Evil vs good or what?! Darth Vader does the "I am your father speech" speech. Jesus freaks. In the muddle, Vader swipes him with his saber and Total Film goes to hell. But Jesus resurrects.

 

Jason Bourne vs Anton Chigurh

In a tense semi-final, Chigurh asks Bourne to toss the coin. Bourne does, but before it lands he picks up The Texan Times, rolls it up and kills Chigurh in the face.

Next: Final![page-break]



Final!

 

Jesus vs Jason Bourne

Through to the final on a wave of resurrection, Jesus is pooped by the time he faces up to the print media-savvy Bourne. More fool JC for reading the Dead Sea scrolls then. Will he be back?!?

 

Who should have fought? Who should have won? Give us your verdicts now!

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