Battle Royale: Hollywood Icons vs. Modern Celebs

We pitch movie legends against today's big-shots...

 

In the modern age, exhibitionism is favoured over substance, and anybody can get famous just by flaunting their soft bits or talking over a beat.

Which makes us wonder, how would today's homepage stars fare against the front page legends of yesteryear?

After all, most of the old-school icons had to work a little harder to make it to the top.

But there's really only one way to find out for sure... FIGHT!

 

Marilyn Monroe

We don’t think we’ve ever met anyone who doesn’t like Marilyn Monroe.

And even if such a Monroe-hater does exist, we’re pretty sure that the lady herself, given the chance to ‘turn’ them, would have absolutely relished the challenge.

Though she was, reputedly, a nightmare to work with (she was terribly tardy and often drunk on-set), we’d’ve excused her anything: tardiness; drunkenness; gruesome, axe-wielding murderous rampages. Anything.

Boozy Rating: 10

Booby Rating: 10

Publicity Hog Rating: 8

Meets her match with…

Lindsay Lohan

Everyone’s favourite straight/gay goody-goody/criminal redhead/blonde/brunette skinny/not skinny freckle-face Lindsay Lohan used to be such a mild creature.

Her nose-dive into naughtiness and scandal did wonders for her profile.

A few run-ins with the police, a lesbian relationship and a few bust-ups with fellow celebs later and boom! She’s hot Hollywood property.

Boozy Rating: 10

Booby Rating: 10

Publicity Hog Rating: 15

THE FIGHT

Monroe and Lohan are in the back of a limo, en route to a swanky party.

A fight breaks out.

The girls tussle for a while, grabbing each others’ hair and earrings and things.

Legs and boobs flail about a bit as they wrestle each other to the ground.

Monroe tries to knock Lohan out with the ladylike hip-flask stashed in her stocking.

Un-ladylike Lohan produces a half-necked litre bottle of vodka.

She smashes it over Monroe’s head. Monroe’s a goner.

[page-break]

James Dean

Perhaps the most appealing thing about James Dean (apart from his impossibly handsome face) was his attitude.

He always looked as if he couldn’t have given a smaller fig about what was going on around him.

He was best known for his nonconformist ways. The rap-scallion stole our hearts as troubled, misunderstood Jim Stark in Rebel Without A Cause (1955).

What a man. What a pout.

Ruler-Straight Jaw Factor: 8

Looks Good In Leather? 10

Hair Height: 6

Out-rebels…

Robert Pattinson

Robert Pattinson conquered our screens (and dare we say it – our hearts) with his role as vampire Edward Cullen in 2008’s Twilight.

In the month following Twilight’s release, a stiff-neck epidemic sprung up among virgins across the globe. They’d been sleeping with their windows wide open and their heads angled for maximum throat exposure.

Dream on, ladies…

Ruler-Straight Jaw Factor: 8

Looks Good In Leather? 6

Hair Height: 9 (inches, that is)

THE FIGHT

Dean pulls up on his motorbike, revs the engine a bit and flicks his cigarette at Pattinson.

Pattinson gets pretty riled up and aims for a cat-like pounce onto Dean’s neck...

...Except he remembers that he’s actually a human with regular speed and agility stats. And regular teeth.

He lands just short of Dean and smacks his head on a wing mirror, then rolls around in pain for a while, as Dean rides off, victorious.

Gutted, Rob.

[page-break]

Louise Brooks



Silent movie siren Louise was undeniably sexy. Though she was a ’20s bob-cut flapper-style icon, her appeal is utterly timeless.

Plus, she claimed to have had a night of lesbian passion with Greta Garbo. Woah.

Integrity and Discretion: 8

Ambiguous Sexual Orientation Rating: 9

Actual Talent:
10

Paris Hilton



Heiress “Moneybags” Hilton is glamorous, sure. But silent she is not. (If only.)

The moment she opens her mouth you realise that she’s got as much charm as a pigeon with a gammy foot and the intellect of a satsuma.

Furthermore, her inability to emote suggests a disturbing streak of sociopathy.

Or maybe she is just thick.

Integrity and Discretion:
None whatsoever.

Ambiguous Sexual Orientation Rating: 0 (Any allusions towards “experiments” are only fabricated to garner male attention.)

Actual Talent: Minus A Million.

THE FIGHT

Hilton prances around in pink lingerie, throwing various missiles (stilettos, Louis Vuitton handbags, Chihuahuas) at the demure and disinterested Brooks.

Brooks gets annoyed and catches her off guard with a big wet snog.

Hilton The Fraud cries and runs away. Unfortunately, she’s still alive. Pointlessly.

[page-break]

Elvis Presley



Although his music career was already flourishing by the time he made it to the movies, Elvis desperately wanted to be taken seriously as a professional actor.

We’re not so sure that he ever made as big an impact on film as he did on music. Mention Elvis to someone and it’s unlikely they’ll think “oh yeah, Elvis. Wicked actor.”

He was a bit of a wicked actor, though.

Music-to-Movies Transition:
7

Number of Impersonators:
500 per sq.mile

Jiggy-ness: 9

Survives a tussle against…

Will Smith



A blockbuster heavyweight and musical giant, Will Smith is one of the most deserving celebrities of the modern age.

We love him. End.

Music-to-Movies Transition:
10

Number of Impersonators:
0.3 per sq.mile (not including those who know all the words to the Fresh Prince theme. And sing along, every time.)

Jiggy-ness: 10

THE FIGHT

It starts by accident. Elvis is doin his hip-wriggling thing at a bar when he bumps into Will, causing him to spill his drinks.

Will goes tits. Hancock-style. He lobs a whale at Elvis. (Fine, so the whale just happened to be in the bar too.)

Snake-hipped Elvis pelvic-thrusts out the way and biffs Will with his bottom.

Will is winded and has to have a sit down. He’s out.

[page-break]

Audrey Hepburn



Often voted as the most elegant lady in cinema history, Audrey Hepburn had a delicate beauty. She appeared stylish, graceful, and above all, completely unattainable.

She was the Faberge egg of the movie world.

If she were a chocolate, she’d probably be an After-Eight.

Effortless Grace: 10

Skinny-Minny: 10

Ratio Of People Buying Her Posters / People Who Have Ever Actually Seen Her On Screen: 1000:1

Shines head-and-shoulders above…

Mischa Barton



Hailed as an “icon of fashion” simply because she follows it, Mischa Barton is probably best known for her role in teen fantasy / whinge-fest The O.C, among a host of parts in a few mediochre films.

Sure, she has her own elegance about her. But it does seem forced. There’s a lot of expensive beauty therapy behind that perfect skin.

If she were a chocolate, she’d probably be a Cadbury’s Caramel. Nice, but not quite premiere.

Effortless Grace: 5

Skinny-Minny: 10 (her waist size, in inches)

Ratio Of People Buying Her Posters / People Who Have Ever Actually Seen Her On Screen:
1:1000

THE FIGHT

Barton has a hissy-fit when one of her heels snaps. She throws the heel in a rage. It lands in Hepburn’s Martini.

Hepburn glides across like a swan, and in one fluid movement, whips Barton on the forehead with a string of pearls.

The traumatised Barton runs off to her Yoga/Psychic/Kabbalah/Yoghurt healer for some emergency therapy.

Hepburn wins.

[page-break]

Grace Kelly



Although she retired from acting at the tender age of 26, Kelly already had a good few treasures under her belt, including Rear Window, High Society and To Catch A Thief.

At least she went out on a high – and became a princess in the process, marrying Prince Rainier III of Monaco.

Not too shabby.

Posh Factor: 6

Screen Queen-to-Actual Royalty-Transition: 10

Peaches And Cream Factor: 5

Has more diamonds in her tiara than…

Keira Knightley

 

In her role as Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire in The Duchess (2008), Keira learned all the airs and graces of the nobility.

It was all pretend, of course - Kelly'll always have the edge there. But Keira did suit the part. Perhaps it's because she's so terribly plummy.

Posh Factor: 10

Screen Queen-to-Actual-Royalty Rating:


Peaches And Cream Factor: 10

THE FIGHT

The two royal lovelies lock tiaras and engage in a deer-buck style rut.

It turns out that the diamonds on Grace Kelly’s tiara are just that little bit bigger than those on Georgiana/Knightley’s. Plus, Georgiana's hair just acts like a giant pillow, biffing Kelly in the face.

Unhindered by pillowy hair, one of the prongs on Kelly's tiara pokes Georgiana/Knightley in the eye and she bows out, leaving Kelly victorious.

[page-break]

Brigitte Bardot



Brigitte Bardot, one of France’s best-loved actresses Of All Time, was a performer with global appeal. You couldn’t help but fall in love with Brigitte whether or not you understood a single word that came out of her mouth.

Her perfect, pouting, sex-kitten mouth.

Looks-Like-A-Dolly Rating: 10

Je-Ne-Sais-Quoi Rating:
9. We’re not sure what it is, but she’s got it.

Va Va Voom: 80. It’s all in the hair.

Has her crème brûlée burnt by…

Audrey Tautou



More cute than sexy, Tautou charmed the world with her performance as Amélie Poulain in 2001’s Amélie

Her impish face and sparkling screen presence make her an icon in the making.

Nous l’aimons.

Looks-Like-A-Dolly Rating:
9

Je-Ne-Sais-Quoi Rating:
8

Va Va Voom: 7. She doesn’t have half as much Va Va Voom as Bardot. Sorry, Audrey.

THE FIGHT

The fight takes place in a supermarket (or ‘supermarché’), because that’s where all French people hang out, according to the textbooks.

Bardot and Tautou roll around on the cheese counter, pummelling each other with rounds of Brie.

While Bardot, caked head to toe in Camembert, gasps for air, Tautou finds a stale baguette within reach and clobbers her opponent over the head with it.

Bardot’s out cold. Tautou celebrates with a swig of Beaujolais.

[page-break]

Fred Astaire

Old twinkle-toed Fred Astaire represents a sunnier, milder side of cinema. One where no problem couldn't be solved with a little dance, and women were wooed by men in tail-coats and tap-shoes.

He was a bloody good dancer, too.

Playful Innocence: 9

Dancefloor skilz: 10

Dapper Get-Up: 10. That's one natty suit.

Is challenged to a dance-off by...

Zac Efron

When High School Musical made its way to the big screen, young Zac was already a sensational star, attracting admirers from across the globe.

In his fresh, blushing boyhood he was charming, though as he's grown older he's actually become properly sexy (or so we've been told).

And he's not without talent. He's pretty good on stage, and he's got some killer moves up his sleeve...

Playful Innocence: 10

Dancefloor Skilz: 8

Dapper Get-Up: 6

THE FIGHT

It's a dance-off, Run-DMC style.

In Efron's corner, his team cheer him on as he does his little street-break-dance helicopter thing with his legs on the floor. 

It's impressive, but it ain't cuttin' no mustard with Astaire.

Sharp as a thistle, Fred slides in and wows the crowd with his lightning-quick tapping. He's in a different league to poor old Zac.

Just to add insult to injury, he trips Efron up on the way out, using his crafty cane. Naughty Fred!

[page-break]

Elizabeth Taylor



Liz Taylor is famed for her violet eyes (they're actually blue), sizeable chest (they're actually huge) and string of marriages (eight in total, to seven different husbands. She's been married Richard Burton twice).

Though she has lived a Hollywood lifestyle, she has had license to, being in possession of actual acting ability, as well as arresting beauty.

What a woman.

High-Profile Relationships: 8 (marriages, that is)

Brunette Bombshell Factor: 10

Attention-Seeking Factor: 5

Makes a laughing stock of…


Megan Fox

Megan Fox is (quite successfully) burrowing her way into the film industry.

She's doing this mainly by showing off various body parts. She does this as often as she can.

Funnily enough, she is often type-cast as "the sexy one", though she doesn't seem to have a problem with this. May her career be long and fruitful.

High-Profile Relationships: 3 (she's young yet. We'll see.)

Brunette Bombshell Factor: 10

Attention-Seeking Factor: Oh God, ten.

THE FIGHT

Liz and Megan's tussle involves a lot of hair-pulling. They have a lot of hair between them.

Megan has a hard time keeping her clothes on, too. Sure, Megan. They just "fell off".

Her shameless display really gets Liz's goat. Taylor comes at Megan with a mean left hook, which knocks her flat out.

It turns out Elizabeth has kept all her wedding rings, forming a formidable metal claw where there once was a left ring-finger. Ouch.

[page-break]

Marlon Brando



A rebel to rival James Dean, Brando was eager to shake off any vacuous screen-hunk allusions and be a proper meaty actor.

He succeeded, spectacularly.

Brooding Beauty: 10

Moody Milly: 9
 
Is He Actually Just A Prick? No.

Gets shirty with…

Simon Cowell



We don’t get Simon Cowell’s appeal.

OK, so he’s successful, but not in every venture. His brief dabble in the world of film wasn't the most inspired move - a bit-part in Scary Movie 3 hardly made many waves. Still, he's currently planning on moving into movie production. Be afraid. Very.

He's just a guy who made a few good decisions somewhere along the line and got stonking rich.

It seems as if he’s very good at making money out of other peoples’ talent, and doesn’t actually harbour a drop of it himself.

Brooding Beauty: 0 (No, mum. He is not a dish.)

Moody Milly:
10

Is He Actually Just A Prick? Why, yes! Yes, he is.

THE FIGHT

Cowell is casting a film. Brando auditions.

Cowell tells Brando, “that was abominable. You are sub-human. Get off my stage.”

Brando gets off the stage and kicks Cowell right in the middle of his bum-chin.

Everyone in the world applauds.

Cowell leaves the casting auditions, crying. In a frenzy of self-pity and indulgence, he goes to a casino and experiences sensational losses. He loses everything and has to relocate to a caravan in Basingstoke.

 

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