It's the fight fang-fans have been waiting for, a pale and pointy presentation of brooding, blood and Bayhem, a cinematic suck-head Surivivor Series, pitting The Twilight Saga's Edward Cullen against all comers.
So sit tight, hang on to your hats, and get ready for a Battle so bloody it'll make Hostel: Part 2 look like Hostel: Part 1.
Ready? Let battle commence...
Lestat (Tom Cruise) Interview with The Vampire (1994)
The protagonist for much of Anne Rice's beloved Vampire chronicles, Lestat de Lioncourt has appeared twice on film, played by Tom Cruise in Interview with the Vampire, and Stuart Townsend in Queen of the Damned.
We've chosen the cruise version, because at 5'5, he was a good 7 inches shorter than the character as Rice wrote him, but bless him, he had a go anyway.
Wait, this film has Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt? Factor: 10
Ability to disappoint massively: 10
Fang Rating: 8
vs.
Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) Twilight (2008)
When he was originally cast as the eternal 17 year-old Edward in Twilight, the internets went crazy with hate. It didn't last long.
Practically a one-man industry, he's the hottest hearthrob in Hollywood, and has gone from Harry Potter bit-player to househild name practically overnight.
Sulton of Swoon Factor: 10
Ability to make you fall ridiculously, embarrassingly in love with him (giggle): 10
Fang Rating: 10
Let battle commence...
Trying to seduce R-Pattz… oops… we mean Cullen into being his bitch for eternity, Lestat doesn’t reckon the power of his opponents’ broody gaze.
Overcome with feelings of sorrow, pain and lust, Lestat attempts to take his own life rather than suffer life without the boy any longer.
Slitting his wrists only produces blood momentarily, before the wound heals itself over.
Cullen stands watching, in the broody, swoon-inducing kind of way.
Lestat then impales himself on several large swords, and shoot himself 6 times in the face. This also fails to kill him.
In the end, a dousing of petrol and a large helping of self-immolation seem to do the trick, and Lestat is vanquished.
Cullen sighs, bored.
Edward Cullen wins!
Edward Cullen 1 – Vampires 0
Next: David vs. Edward
Comments
parker
Oct 6th 2009, 9:24
what, no kurt barlow from salem's lot (1979)
Alert a moderator
minorityreport
Oct 6th 2009, 10:57
For shame, TF - no Near Dark vampires? They'd soon put Edward in his place - and by in his place, I mean flat on his back with Severen's spur slicing his jugular open. That's how you deal with these emo b***hes.
Alert a moderator
Impulse
Oct 6th 2009, 18:06
Just let Angelus loose on the wee freak and we can put an end to all this twilight nonsense.
Alert a moderator
bentgaga
Oct 7th 2009, 2:35
spike and drusilla tag team effort
Alert a moderator
KerrAvon
Oct 10th 2009, 0:27
This is bull the count would have ripped that 2 dimensional sap apart n seconds. I am the count and I love to make sexy time with Bella. One time with Bella, ah, ah, ah, two...and so on
Alert a moderator
mallach
Oct 10th 2009, 11:47
since when did 12 year old girls start writing articles for Total Film. is a merger with heat on the cards?
Alert a moderator
Louise
Oct 11th 2009, 16:41
This is all wrong, i woundn't know where to start
Alert a moderator
firas76
Dec 4th 2009, 22:29
this must be totally wrong Edward can beat non of the mentioned right!!!
Alert a moderator
Stratburst
Dec 9th 2009, 17:19
Here's how the Dracula-Edward showdown would actually play out: Dracula glides in, towering over the diminutive Edward. intimidated by the 6'5" Transylvanian warlord, starts to cry. Dracula sneers, "You are no vampire, girly-man!" before bisecting Edward's head with a two-handed broadsword and impaling him on an 8' pike. Bella then joins Dracula and his wives in a 5-way orgy while Edward – his head split open and impaled on a pike – composes bad Gothic poetry about how abstinence is wonderful and life really sucks. Edward = 0, Dracula = 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .
Alert a moderator
sara100
May 10th 2010, 3:11
i think that Edward collins/Robert patterson should play in almost every movie like twillight because he is so cool! I dont care what yaw say about Edward/Robert but i know who he is and he is VERY VERY VERY SPECIAL!!!!! Think about it PEOPLE!!!!!? :(
Alert a moderator
BlueOh
Jun 17th 2011, 13:20
Just no.
Alert a moderator