Maximillian (Eddie Murphy) Vampire in Brooklyn (1995)
Playing against type and good advice, Murphy stars as the titular vamp, a bloodsucker of Caribbean descent who travels to Brooklyn in search of Angela Bassett.
About as much fun a Beverly Hill Cop III, this was one of several films in the mid-90s that Murphys is likely to want to forget, and unfortunately, we never will.
Bad Accent Factor: 10
Damn Angela Bassett is smokin' ability: 10
Fang Rating: 8
vs.
Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) Twilight (2008)
Fun fact: In the books, Edward is described as being inhumanly beautiful. We get that a lot too.
Let battle commence...
Maximillian taunts Cullen in his ‘what-the-buggary’ accent.
“Come pretty boy, let’s see if you fight as well as you brood”
“You know, you used to be funny.” Retorts the chiseled features of the sickeningly handsome teen vampire.
“What do you mean ‘used’,” grimaces Max, “I’m still funny.”
“No, not really. Coming to America was funny. Trading Places was funny. Vampire in Brooklyn? Can you spell turkey?” smirks.
“I’ll show you who’s still funny.” Max throws off his cloak, and grab a microphone from somewhere.
He throws himself head first into a stand-up routine, which, to be fair, amuses his younger foe.
“Not bad” concedes Cullen, which spurs Maximillian to up his game. He begins to rant and rave at a furious pace, tossing punchlines out like bullets, he has Cullen in hysterics.
He’s so preoccupied telling jokes however, that he doesn’t realise the sun is rising. In seconds Maximillian is a bright ball of flame, before turning quickly to ashes.
“Guess the only thing you’re going to biting anytime soon is the dust.” Says Cullen, cooler than a Siberian freezer, before walking off to watch Bella sleep.
Edward Cullen wins!
Edward Cullen 5 – Vampires 0
Next: Graf Orlok vs. Edward
Comments
parker
Oct 6th 2009, 9:24
what, no kurt barlow from salem's lot (1979)
Alert a moderator
minorityreport
Oct 6th 2009, 10:57
For shame, TF - no Near Dark vampires? They'd soon put Edward in his place - and by in his place, I mean flat on his back with Severen's spur slicing his jugular open. That's how you deal with these emo b***hes.
Alert a moderator
Impulse
Oct 6th 2009, 18:06
Just let Angelus loose on the wee freak and we can put an end to all this twilight nonsense.
Alert a moderator
bentgaga
Oct 7th 2009, 2:35
spike and drusilla tag team effort
Alert a moderator
KerrAvon
Oct 10th 2009, 0:27
This is bull the count would have ripped that 2 dimensional sap apart n seconds. I am the count and I love to make sexy time with Bella. One time with Bella, ah, ah, ah, two...and so on
Alert a moderator
mallach
Oct 10th 2009, 11:47
since when did 12 year old girls start writing articles for Total Film. is a merger with heat on the cards?
Alert a moderator
Louise
Oct 11th 2009, 16:41
This is all wrong, i woundn't know where to start
Alert a moderator
firas76
Dec 4th 2009, 22:29
this must be totally wrong Edward can beat non of the mentioned right!!!
Alert a moderator
Stratburst
Dec 9th 2009, 17:19
Here's how the Dracula-Edward showdown would actually play out: Dracula glides in, towering over the diminutive Edward. intimidated by the 6'5" Transylvanian warlord, starts to cry. Dracula sneers, "You are no vampire, girly-man!" before bisecting Edward's head with a two-handed broadsword and impaling him on an 8' pike. Bella then joins Dracula and his wives in a 5-way orgy while Edward – his head split open and impaled on a pike – composes bad Gothic poetry about how abstinence is wonderful and life really sucks. Edward = 0, Dracula = 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .
Alert a moderator
sara100
May 10th 2010, 3:11
i think that Edward collins/Robert patterson should play in almost every movie like twillight because he is so cool! I dont care what yaw say about Edward/Robert but i know who he is and he is VERY VERY VERY SPECIAL!!!!! Think about it PEOPLE!!!!!? :(
Alert a moderator
BlueOh
Jun 17th 2011, 13:20
Just no.
Alert a moderator