Battle Royale: Movie Vampires

Robert Pattinson vs. everyone else

 

It's the fight fang-fans have been waiting for, a pale and pointy presentation of brooding, blood and Bayhem, a cinematic suck-head Surivivor Series, pitting The Twilight Saga's Edward Cullen against all comers.

So sit tight, hang on to your hats, and get ready for a Battle so bloody it'll make Hostel: Part 2 look like Hostel: Part 1.

Ready? Let battle commence...

 

Lestat (Tom Cruise) Interview with The Vampire (1994)

The protagonist for much of Anne Rice's beloved Vampire chronicles, Lestat de Lioncourt has appeared twice on film, played by Tom Cruise in Interview with the Vampire, and Stuart Townsend in Queen of the Damned.

We've chosen the cruise version, because at 5'5, he was a good 7 inches shorter than the character as Rice wrote him, but bless him, he had a go anyway.

Wait, this film has Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt? Factor: 10

Ability to disappoint massively: 10

Fang Rating: 8

vs.

 

Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) Twilight (2008)

When he was originally cast as the eternal 17 year-old Edward in Twilight, the internets went crazy with hate. It didn't last long.

Practically a one-man industry, he's the hottest hearthrob in Hollywood, and has gone from Harry Potter bit-player to househild name practically overnight.

Sulton of Swoon Factor: 10

Ability to make you fall ridiculously, embarrassingly in love with him (giggle): 10

Fang Rating: 10

 

Let battle commence...

Trying to seduce R-Pattz… oops… we mean Cullen into being his bitch for eternity, Lestat doesn’t reckon the power of his opponents’ broody gaze.

Overcome with feelings of sorrow, pain and lust, Lestat attempts to take his own life rather than suffer life without the boy any longer.

Slitting his wrists only produces blood momentarily, before the wound heals itself over.

Cullen stands watching, in the broody, swoon-inducing kind of way.

Lestat then impales himself on several large swords, and shoot himself 6 times in the face. This also fails to kill him.

In the end, a dousing of petrol and a large helping of self-immolation seem to do the trick, and Lestat is vanquished.

Cullen sighs, bored.

Edward Cullen wins!

Edward Cullen 1 – Vampires 0
 

Next: David vs. Edward[page-break]

 

David (Keifer Sutherland) The Lost Boys (1987)

David is the Marlon Brando of movie vampires, cool, dangerous, and with a totally rad motorcycle.

In the original script the Lost Boys were supposed to be kids, but thankfully director Joel Schumacher recognised the power of sex appeal and made everyone lusty, horny teenagers instead. You can almost forgive Batman & Robin. Almost.

Jack Bauer Factor: 10

Abiltiy to make you forget that Jason Patric guy: 10

Fang Rating: 9

vs.

 

Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) Twilight (2008)

Fun fact: Edward Cullen was born June 20th 1901.He was turned by adoptive father Carlisle in 1918 to stop him dying of spanish Influenza.

 

Let battle commence...

Trying to seduce Cullen into being his bitch for eternity – a rather common theme among vampires it seems – David offers up Vamp-bait and all around hottie Star to try and persuade Cullen to join him.

She instantly falls in love with the pale, tall-of-hair, golden-eyed hunk, and renounces David and his whole agenda.

Deciding to up his game, David goes after Edward on his motorcycle, charging him down using a flag pole like a jousting pole.

Super fast Edward doesn’t bugger about though, and zips out of the sending David careening into a tree, and sending him flying from his bike.

A groan later, and David emerges from the bushes impaled on the antlers of a very large deer, which promptly turns around and legs it.

Cullen takes Star by the hand and they go for a lovely walk in the forest.

Edward Cullen wins!

Edward Cullen 2 – Vampires 0
 

Next: Blade vs. Edward[page-break]

 

Blade (Wesley Snipes) Blade (1998)

Marvel bit-part player and featured character in the Tomb of Dracula comics, Blade was an unlikely break-out star of the comic company's extensive roster.

A half-human, half-vampire hybrid, Blade is known as the daywalker, for his ability to walk in the day. Oooh.

TotalFilm.com saw this four times in theatres Factor: 10

Making Vampires cool again ability: 10

Fang Rating: 10

vs.

 

Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) Twilight (2008)

Fun fact: Edward's eyes, once green, are now described as topaz. His appearance changes if he goes long without feeding: his eyes darken, becoming almost black, and purple bruises appear beneath his eyes.

 

Let battle commence...

Blade tracks Edward Cullen to a meat packing plant in Forks, where he hangs out sometimes, you know, brooding and stuff.

Drawing his sword, Blade does some fancy flips, spins and stuff, attempting to intimidate the romantic Cullen.

“Bet you can’t do a flip off that table over there and land on that machine way up there” taunts Cullen.

“Kids,” Blade sneers dismissively, before doing the aforementioned leap.

Landing and looking impressed with himself, he hasn’t noticed Cullen pulling a large lever, which turns on the machine Blade has landed on, sucking him in and turning him into sausages.

“Cool,” remarks Cullen, before going off to climb trees or something.

Edward Cullen wins!

Edward Cullen 3 – Vampires 0

Next: Marlow vs. Edward[page-break]

 

Marlow (Danny Huston) 30 Days of Night (2006)

Based on the comic book mini-series of the same name by Steve Niles and Ben Templesmith, 30 Days of Night features a radical vision of the vampire as completely predetorial and un-romantic.

Speaking in an ancient gutteral language, they kill for sport, led by the nefarious and sinister Marlowe, who's cruelty is only matched by his abiltiy to chew the shit out of the scenery.

We like our vampires broody Factor: 10

Why did it take them so long to go to Alaska Factor: 9

Fang Rating: 9

vs.

 

Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) Twilight (2008)

Fun fact: Like totalfilm.com, Edward never sleeps.

 

Let battle commence...

For various reasons there is little point explaining, Edward Cullen has found himself in Alaska during the period of darkness which envelopes the barren landscape each year.

Coming across the nefarious Marlow and his band of murderous fang-fiends, Edward is taken by surprise as he is attacked for his human-loving politics.

Marlowe leads the fray, punching Cullen repeatedly. Cullen just smiles back.

“What are you smiling about?” demands Marlowe. As he holds the boy up for another beating, a pack of very large Polar Bears charge Marlowe, tearing him to shreds.

In the wake of the attack, Marlowe’s gang bugger off, realising there is little point fighting creatures who have obviously fallen deeply in love with the sullen, handsome vampire.

Edward Cullen wins!

Edward Cullen 4 – Vampires 0

Next: Maximillian vs. Edward[page-break]

 

Maximillian (Eddie Murphy) Vampire in Brooklyn (1995)   

Playing against type and good advice, Murphy stars as the titular vamp, a bloodsucker of Caribbean descent who travels to Brooklyn in search of Angela Bassett.

About as much fun a Beverly Hill Cop III, this was one of several films in the mid-90s that Murphys is likely to want to forget, and unfortunately, we never will.

Bad Accent Factor: 10

Damn Angela Bassett is smokin' ability: 10

Fang Rating: 8

vs.

 

Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) Twilight (2008)

Fun fact: In the books, Edward is described as being inhumanly beautiful. We get that a lot too.

 

Let battle commence...

Maximillian taunts Cullen in his ‘what-the-buggary’ accent.

“Come pretty boy, let’s see if you fight as well as you brood”

“You know, you used to be funny.” Retorts the chiseled features of the sickeningly handsome teen vampire.

“What do you mean ‘used’,” grimaces Max, “I’m still funny.”

“No, not really. Coming to America was funny. Trading Places was funny. Vampire in Brooklyn? Can you spell turkey?” smirks.

“I’ll show you who’s still funny.” Max throws off his cloak, and grab a microphone from somewhere.

He throws himself head first into a stand-up routine, which, to be fair, amuses his younger foe.

“Not bad” concedes Cullen, which spurs Maximillian to up his game. He begins to rant and rave at a furious pace, tossing punchlines out like bullets, he has Cullen in hysterics.

He’s so preoccupied telling jokes however, that he doesn’t realise the sun is rising. In seconds Maximillian is a bright ball of flame, before turning quickly to ashes.

“Guess the only thing you’re going to biting anytime soon is the dust.” Says Cullen, cooler than a Siberian freezer, before walking off to watch Bella sleep.

Edward Cullen wins!

Edward Cullen 5 – Vampires 0

Next: Graf Orlok vs. Edward[page-break]

 

Graf Orlok (Max Schreck) Nosferatu (1922)

Wanting to make a film adaptation of Bram Stoker's famous novel, the filmmakers were unable to secure the rights, so 'Vampire' became 'Nosferatu' and Count Dracula' changed to 'Count Orlok'.

One of the first vampire films in existence, Nosferatu deviated from Stoker's book in many places, and has become a cult favourite in it's own right.

Can you say 'over-bite' Factor: 10

Ability to make that Blackboard-screech noise: 10

Fang Rating: 9

vs.

 

Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) Twilight (2008)

Fun fact: Rob sang two songs on the Twilight soundtrack, 'Never Think' and 'Let Me Sign'.

 

Let battle commence...

Graf Orlok does his creepy floaty thing towards the highly unimpressed Cullen, who looks bored, and takes out his iPod.

Graf kind of floats around a while, looking a little unsure of what to do.

Cullen taps his foot to the beat of some hip modern track.

Making his move, Graf pulls out a wooden stake and floats toward Cullen. When he’s close enough he reaches inside his cape and pulls out a marker. He shows them to Edward, indicating he’d like the stake signed.

Cullen, realizing Orlok is a big fan, signs the tip of the stake and kisses it before returning it to the Count, who is head over heels.

Treasuring the stake, he promptly thrusts it into his own heart, before perishing on the floor at Edward’s feet.

Edward continues tapping his foot to the beat, and looking all serious and stuff.

Edward Cullen wins!

Edward Cullen 6 – Vampires 0

Next: Dracula vs. Edward[page-break]

 

Count Dracula (Christopher Lee) Dracula (1958)

Seven-time Dracula Christopher Lee is perhaps the most iconic and recognisable of the screen Draculas, despite the role being originated by Bela Lugosi in the Universal film in the 1930s.

Lee's Dracula is based on the novel, but significant chages include the fact he can't shape-shift, and doesn't appear to get any younger throughout the story.

Hey, wait a minute... aren't you Count Dooku? Factor: 10

Ability to also by Saruman from Lord of the Rings: 10

Fang Rating: 10

vs.

 

Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) Twilight (2008)

Fun fact: Pattinson got his break in acting when he was spotted in an amatuer production of Tess of the D'Ubervilles.

 

Let battle commence...

Dracula arrives in the room as mist under the door, trying to intimidate his opponent with his dramatics.

He gives the boy his most menacing stare and begins to walk slowly towards him.

Fixing Edward in his hypnotic gaze, he has him under his spell, free to do with as he commands.

“Stand up”, he asks. “Walk over here.”

Edward does as he’s told.

“Show me your neck.” Says the Count, bloodlust rampant in his gaze. Edward does as he’s told.

The Count presents his teeth, throws his cape dramatically to one side, and goes in for the bite, at which point Edward, faking the whole time, take a whole Garlic out of his pocket, bites a chunk and kisses Dracula square on the lips.

He smiles, chewing on the Garlic, as Dracula’s face melts before him, Raiders of the Lost Ark style, before disappearing into a puddle of sludge.

Edward tosses the rest of the Garlic over his shoulder, rubs his hands, and saunters off to play a little Vampire baseball.

Edward Cullen wins!

Edward Cullen 7 – Vampires 0

Next: The Count vs. Edward[page-break]

 

The Count, Sesame Street

Long serving Sesame Street maths-geek and resident numero-phile, The Count has helped scores of children with numeracy in a really, really annoying way.

Modelled closely on Bela Lugosi's interpretation of Count Dracula, Count Von Count, to give him his full title, has been a part of the show since the beginning back in the early '70s.

Helping children count Factor: 10

Ability to boil our collective piss: 10

Fang Rating: 5

vs.

 

Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) Twilight (2008)

Fun fact: In the totalfilm.com office, R-Pattz is known as the Sultan of Swoon.


Let battle commence...

Edward Cullen is casually strolling along Sesame Street, like you do, when he happens upon The Count.
Annoyingly, The Count begins to number Edward’s footsteps in his usual witty style.

“One! Ah-ah-ahh, Two! Ah-ah-ahh, Three! Ah-ah-ah.”

At this point Edward has already had enough, and begins pummeling the purple puppet furiously, raining an unprecedented torrent of blows upon the number-loving Transylvanian.

The Count, not one to miss an oppoturnity, keeps track of the hits; Twenty-Three! Ah-ah-ahh. Twenty Four! Ah-ah-ah. And so on.

After several minutes of this smackdown, Cullen turns to the camera and dead-pans, “What? It’s a puppet!”
Before tearing the Muppet’s head off and shoving it up it’s own puppet arse.

Edward looks around to check the coast is clear before making his way down Sesame Street intent on laying the smack down on the rest of the god-forsaken puppet.

Bert and Ernie, Oscar the Grouch, The Cookie Monster and fucking Elmo must all die, though Big Bird will at least come in handy as dinner, as Edward found a fantastic recipe for the large yellow migraine on totalfilm.com.

Edward Cullen wins!

Edward Cullen 8 – Vampire 0

There you have it fang-fans, Edward Cullen is officially the best Vampire in movie history, bar none. And on that bombshell, leave us a comment.

 

Like This? Then try...

Sign up for our free weekly newsletter here. 

Follow us on Twitter here.

 

Comments

    • parker

      Oct 6th 2009, 9:24

      what, no kurt barlow from salem's lot (1979)

      Alert a moderator

    • minorityreport

      Oct 6th 2009, 10:57

      For shame, TF - no Near Dark vampires? They'd soon put Edward in his place - and by in his place, I mean flat on his back with Severen's spur slicing his jugular open. That's how you deal with these emo b***hes.

      Alert a moderator

    • Impulse

      Oct 6th 2009, 18:06

      Just let Angelus loose on the wee freak and we can put an end to all this twilight nonsense.

      Alert a moderator

    • bentgaga

      Oct 7th 2009, 2:35

      spike and drusilla tag team effort

      Alert a moderator

    • KerrAvon

      Oct 10th 2009, 0:27

      This is bull the count would have ripped that 2 dimensional sap apart n seconds. I am the count and I love to make sexy time with Bella. One time with Bella, ah, ah, ah, two...and so on

      Alert a moderator

    • mallach

      Oct 10th 2009, 11:47

      since when did 12 year old girls start writing articles for Total Film. is a merger with heat on the cards?

      Alert a moderator

    • Louise

      Oct 11th 2009, 16:41

      This is all wrong, i woundn't know where to start

      Alert a moderator

    • firas76

      Dec 4th 2009, 22:29

      this must be totally wrong Edward can beat non of the mentioned right!!!

      Alert a moderator

    • Stratburst

      Dec 9th 2009, 17:19

      Here's how the Dracula-Edward showdown would actually play out: Dracula glides in, towering over the diminutive Edward. intimidated by the 6'5" Transylvanian warlord, starts to cry. Dracula sneers, "You are no vampire, girly-man!" before bisecting Edward's head with a two-handed broadsword and impaling him on an 8' pike. Bella then joins Dracula and his wives in a 5-way orgy while Edward – his head split open and impaled on a pike – composes bad Gothic poetry about how abstinence is wonderful and life really sucks. Edward = 0, Dracula = 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .

      Alert a moderator

    • sara100

      May 10th 2010, 3:11

      i think that Edward collins/Robert patterson should play in almost every movie like twillight because he is so cool! I dont care what yaw say about Edward/Robert but i know who he is and he is VERY VERY VERY SPECIAL!!!!! Think about it PEOPLE!!!!!? :(

      Alert a moderator

    • BlueOh

      Jun 17th 2011, 13:20

      Just no.

      Alert a moderator