Battle Royale: Movie Vampires

Robert Pattinson vs. everyone else

Oct 6th 2009

 

The Count, Sesame Street

Long serving Sesame Street maths-geek and resident numero-phile, The Count has helped scores of children with numeracy in a really, really annoying way.

Modelled closely on Bela Lugosi's interpretation of Count Dracula, Count Von Count, to give him his full title, has been a part of the show since the beginning back in the early '70s.

Helping children count Factor: 10

Ability to boil our collective piss: 10

Fang Rating: 5

vs.

Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) Twilight (2008)

Fun fact: In the totalfilm.com office, R-Pattz is known as the Sultan of Swoon.


Let battle commence...

Edward Cullen is casually strolling along Sesame Street, like you do, when he happens upon The Count.
Annoyingly, The Count begins to number Edward’s footsteps in his usual witty style.

“One! Ah-ah-ahh, Two! Ah-ah-ahh, Three! Ah-ah-ah.”

At this point Edward has already had enough, and begins pummeling the purple puppet furiously, raining an unprecedented torrent of blows upon the number-loving Transylvanian.

The Count, not one to miss an oppoturnity, keeps track of the hits; Twenty-Three! Ah-ah-ahh. Twenty Four! Ah-ah-ah. And so on.

After several minutes of this smackdown, Cullen turns to the camera and dead-pans, “What? It’s a puppet!”
Before tearing the Muppet’s head off and shoving it up it’s own puppet arse.

Edward looks around to check the coast is clear before making his way down Sesame Street intent on laying the smack down on the rest of the god-forsaken puppet.

Bert and Ernie, Oscar the Grouch, The Cookie Monster and fucking Elmo must all die, though Big Bird will at least come in handy as dinner, as Edward found a fantastic recipe for the large yellow migraine on totalfilm.com.

Edward Cullen wins!

Edward Cullen 8 – Vampire 0

There you have it fang-fans, Edward Cullen is officially the best Vampire in movie history, bar none. And on that bombshell, leave us a comment.

 

 

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Comments

    • parker

      Oct 6th 2009, 9:24

      what, no kurt barlow from salem's lot (1979)

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    • minorityreport

      Oct 6th 2009, 10:57

      For shame, TF - no Near Dark vampires? They'd soon put Edward in his place - and by in his place, I mean flat on his back with Severen's spur slicing his jugular open. That's how you deal with these emo b***hes.

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    • Impulse

      Oct 6th 2009, 18:06

      Just let Angelus loose on the wee freak and we can put an end to all this twilight nonsense.

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    • bentgaga

      Oct 7th 2009, 2:35

      spike and drusilla tag team effort

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    • KerrAvon

      Oct 10th 2009, 0:27

      This is bull the count would have ripped that 2 dimensional sap apart n seconds. I am the count and I love to make sexy time with Bella. One time with Bella, ah, ah, ah, two...and so on

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    • mallach

      Oct 10th 2009, 11:47

      since when did 12 year old girls start writing articles for Total Film. is a merger with heat on the cards?

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    • Louise

      Oct 11th 2009, 16:41

      This is all wrong, i woundn't know where to start

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    • firas76

      Dec 4th 2009, 22:29

      this must be totally wrong Edward can beat non of the mentioned right!!!

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    • Stratburst

      Dec 9th 2009, 17:19

      Here's how the Dracula-Edward showdown would actually play out: Dracula glides in, towering over the diminutive Edward. intimidated by the 6'5" Transylvanian warlord, starts to cry. Dracula sneers, "You are no vampire, girly-man!" before bisecting Edward's head with a two-handed broadsword and impaling him on an 8' pike. Bella then joins Dracula and his wives in a 5-way orgy while Edward – his head split open and impaled on a pike – composes bad Gothic poetry about how abstinence is wonderful and life really sucks. Edward = 0, Dracula = 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .

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    • sara100

      May 10th 2010, 3:11

      i think that Edward collins/Robert patterson should play in almost every movie like twillight because he is so cool! I dont care what yaw say about Edward/Robert but i know who he is and he is VERY VERY VERY SPECIAL!!!!! Think about it PEOPLE!!!!!? :(

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    • BlueOh

      Jun 17th 2011, 13:20

      Just no.

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