How To Form A Movie Band

A cinematic blagger's guide to axe-swinging stardom

 

 

This week sees the release of teen rock group movie Bandslam, Vanessa Hudgens attempt to move away from the teen musicals that made her famous by starring in teen musical.

If you feel inspried by the Hudge and wish to start your own inoffensively middle-of-the-road pop-rock band, then look no further than totalfilm.com as we present our guide on How To Form A Movie Band.

Step one....

 

Buy Your Dream Guitar

The Cliché: The world will be a better place/my problems would be solved/my lack of musical ability would become redundant/I’d get laid… if I could just get my hands on that guitar.

It will be yours, oh yes, it will be yours.

Appears In:Wayne’s World (1992)

How To Recreate It: Ditch guitar hero and get a job for starters. Use money from said job to pay-off your spiraling drug-debt, and once that’s sorted, head for the nearest supplier of fine musical instruments.

Scan the guitars hanging on the wall, and wait for one to speak to you, probably the super-expensive limited edition guitar kept in a glass case, and remember, you don’t choose the guitar, the guitar chooses you.

Just remember, no Stairway.

Next: Hold An Audition[page-break]

 

Hold An Audition

The Cliché: A band needs instruments, and instruments need geeks who took the time to bother learning their use.

Auditions are usually a comical montage of hopeless wannabes, with the really talented types only turning up right at the end.

Appears In:The School Of Rock (2003)

How To Recreate It: totalfilm.com aren’t allowed near schools anymore for some reason (it was all a misunderstanding, honest), but adults, or those who claim to be over 16 will suffice.

The best thing to do is hold an open audition, invite everybody, and assign them instruments based on their ability to play the ‘air’ version of said instrument.

Next: Practice Makes Perfect[page-break]

 

Practice Makes Perfect

The Cliché: No matter how hard you suck (like a Hoover, thanks for asking), hours of relentless, eardrum-shattering, insanity-inducing practice edited into a three minute montage will make you rock.

Appears In:
Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989)

How To Recreate It:
A common mistake made by many aspiring movie bands is using their own garage as a practice space. You need to use a garage, sure, but it doesn’t have to be yours.

Break into a garage across town and practice with the volume at 11 for 8 hours, furiously annoying the neighbours of whoever owns the house.

At the end of the day, head home to your quiet cul-de-sac and your peaceful, loving neighbours who are none the wiser about your musical antics.

Next: Get On The Internets[page-break]

 

Get On The Internets

The Cliché: In order to get noticed you’ll need a web presence. The best way to get a web presence is not by playing music, no, that would be a rookie mistake, the best ways is to get all kinds of naked. Vanessa Hudgens taught us that.

Appears In: The Rocker (2008)

How To Recreate It: Over 1% of the internet is apparently not porn. Amongst this one per cent are many useful social networking sites, which is like going down the pub for agoraphobics.

Spread the word about your band by uploading videos and send links to old school friends and work colleagues, all of whom chat with you openly online, but refuse to acknowledge your existence when they see you in Tesco.

Next: Get Your First Gig[page-break]

 

Get Your First Gig

The Cliché: After all the hard work and practice, you’re finally ready for a gig. After begging a place in a local charity show, a few minor speed-bumps are overcome to deliver a crowd rocking debut.

Appears In:The Commitments (1991)

How To Recreate It: Find a local charity, the Hooligan Retirement Fund perhaps, and offer to play their annual fundraiser for free.

Taking to the stage amidst a hail of glass, verbal abuse and fists, you manage to squeak out the first few notes of a classic football anthem, and with the crowd on your side, you rock the house.

All is going well until they find out you support the local rivals, and the police have to identify you by dental records.

Next: Realise Your Potential[page-break]

 

Realise your potential

The Cliché: The Singer/Band answers the critics by delivering a monster climactic performance that brings the house down.

After their self-indulgent behaviour turned off the fans and the club promoters, and the off-stage antics threatened to tear the band apart, they get it together at the last minute with an epic performance.

Appears In:Purple Rain (1984)

How To Recreate It: We’d never condone domestic abuse, but perhaps a bit of light argument will have a similar effect of leaving you so racked with guilt you lock yourself in the cellar with your guitar and your tears.

With your fans, your management and your band on your case to come up with the goods, you sit down and pen the anthem of the decade.

Performing in front of a sold out crowd, and wearing purple (very important), you let all your troubles out on stage and leave not a dry eye in the house.

Next: Get On The Radio[page-break]

 

Get On The Radio

The Cliché: A movie band looking to break into the big time needs airplay on the radio, and most will go to any lengths to secure a slot in the rotation.

Appears In:
Airheads (1994)

How To Recreate It: The internets are full of extremist types, just itching for a bandwagon to jump on. Enlist a few morally defunct guerillas to fight for your cause and then sit back and enjoy the carnage.

In the name of your band, your terrorists will then bomb, extort, maim, kidnap and murder their way through the broadcast industry until your record is on constant play, on all channels 24/7/365. Nice.

Next: Go On Tour[page-break]

 

Go On Tour

The Cliché: Any successful movie band needs to plays shows, and that means hitting the road. Expect bus shenanigans, hotel-room absuse, groupie ballyhoo, not to mention the drink, drugs and tears.

Appears In:This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

How To Recreate It: Rent yourself a little bus from Thrifty, black obviously, shove your band mates inside and head for the nearest hotel.

Once inside your room, invite your groupies (or pay some hookers more like) to come and do Scarface size piles of powder, then throw your HD out of the window.

Once you’re good and legless, head to the roof and play an impromptu gig on the roof, like every other band ever. Unfrotunately no-one will see your gig, because your hotel is a Travel Lodge off the M42.

Next: Reunion Tour[page-break]

 

Reunion Tour

The Cliché: Former hit band who join up in their later decades for one last tour, bringing all their old baggage and issues with them.

During the course of the tour tempers will fray over old wounds, leading to an almighty bust up, but in the end everybody will talk through their grievances and the tour will end with one last great show.

Appears In:Still Crazy (2000)

How To Recreate It: The trick here is to annoy as many of your band as possible by doing things that will mean them not talking to you for the next decade, like shagging their wife/mum/sister… at the same time.

Aim to do this at the height of your popularity. Once they’ve forgiven you, sort of, and everybody is skint, they’ll call and arrange a final farewell tour.

Remember to keep things interesting by mentioning said incident as often as possible, maybe even add to the malice by sleeping with one of their daughters. Harsh, but that’s rock and roll for you.


Any rock 'n' roll staples you'd like to see on the list? Comment away.

Like This? Then try...

Sign up for our free weekly newsletter here. 

Follow us on Twitter here.