If Star Wars Was Real

The Force exists. Now, how about Wookiees and more...

Ever wanted to use the Force?

Of course you have – we’ve all dreamed of the day when we’ll go all Darth or Luke and move objects with our mind.

Well, now according to the New York Post (via the keen-eyed Jedi minds at Sci Fi Wire) there’s a toy called the Force Trainer (yes, it’s Wars-branded) coming out later in the year that lets you use brain ways to move a ball.

So that makes the Force real. We wondered about other Star Wars icons dragged into our world, and how much fun they might be…



Lightsabers

In Star Wars: The lightsaber is the weapon of a Jedi. Elegant, and for a more refined age. “Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster,” as Obi-Wan would have us believe.

Sadly, in the inexperienced hand of Luke, it ends up pretty clumsy – especially when he’s learning to trust his instincts, use the Force and can’t see to fight a shock-blasting training ‘bot.

In Real Life: We can picture the scene right now: Jedi master and President Barack Obama decides he’s had enough of “official language" to reprimand Iran’s leaders over the whole voting scandal.

He hops on Air Force One (which can do the Kessel in about 1,000 years, since it doesn’t actually travel at lightspeed), travels to the country and engages the Ayatollah in man-to-man combat.

It’s a close battle, but Obama is triumphant.

Next: Wookiees
 

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Wookiee

In Star Wars:
The iconic Wookiee is, of course, Chewbacca, best mate and co-pilot to Han Solo, who can actually understand what the walking carpet is going on about.

Chewie is also one of the few characters to appear in both trilogies. And he’s just plain cool.

In Real Life: The day little Stewart Budge got bullied was the worst day of his young existence. He ended up hanging from the climbing frame after “Basher” Tompkins and his mates nicked his lunch money.

One night, little Stew happened upon a Wookiee recently escaped from a farm where the creatures are grown for their legendary fur.

Sensing a chance for revenge, the boy and his Wookiee turn the bullies into child-paste, though the unfortunate, ensuing legal issues mean the furry friend has to run away to America, where he becomes Kristen Bell’s new boyfriend (see above).

He later dies, aged 500, of hair cancer. 

Next: Mos Eisley Band


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Mos Eisley Cantina Band

In Star Wars:
Figrin D’an And The Modal Nodes are the group playing in the Mos Eisley Cantina when Luke and Obi-Wan turn up looking for transport.

Led by “Firey” Figrin D’an, they’re only seen briefly, but Star Wars being what it is, their story has spun off many times across the extended universe of books, comics and video games.

In Real Life:
D’an and the band cause a sensation when they appear on Britain’s Got Talent.

In true Susan Boyle style, they initially cause alarm and confusion when the weirdly-headed group shows up on stage. Simon Cowell physically retches at the sight.

But once they get to playing, everyone is astonished by their ability and even Cowell stops scraping his eyes out to clap along, later describing them as “utterly amazing”.

Sadly, they end up coming second and are forced to turn to other work, including an unsuccessful pitch for advertising contracts.


Next: X-Wing


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X-Wing Fighter

In Star Wars: The Incom T-65 X-Wing Fighter is among the rebels’ greatest weapons.

A swift, manoeuvrable, adaptable little craft, it can travel in both atmospheres and outer space and even boasts a hyperdrive, which you don’t generally see in vehicles this compact.

It doesn’t do very well in swamps, though it is generally waterproof.

In Real Life: Sick and tired of that morning commute? Bored of sitting in traffic? Look like a pillock in Lycra and far too lazy to cycle to work?

The T-65 is the answer to all your prayers!

It can travel around 650mph (faster if you engage the deflector shields to work against drag), blasters for shooting 4X4 wankers for fun and a handy Astromech droid that combines quick repairs with a fully featured navigational system and iPod hook-up.

You might want to make the garage a bit bigger, though. And try not to take off near any neighbourhood pets as a toasted dog often offends.

Next: Wampa

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Wampa

In Star Wars:
Huge, shaggy and hungry snow-beast, a resident of the planet Hoth who tangles with Luke Skywalker and ends up on the wrong end of his lightsaber.

When, frankly, all he was doing was looking for a handy meal – and Luke was already out later than he should have been. It wasn’t the Wampa’s fault!

In Real Life:
For years, crypto zoologists have speculated on the origins of Bigfoot.

One dark night, the truth is revealed: it’s a Wampa! His name is Gerald and it turns out he’s mostly doing it to scare tourists and make some money.

Unfortunately, he ends up captured and sold to a circus, where he’s treated as just another act.

That is, until he goes bug nuts insane, roars something that translates to “you’ve all been so kind” and mauls 15 people in the audience.

Next: Galactic Senate


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Galactic Senate

In Star Wars: The central government before the Empire rises.

Comprised of representatives of the various worlds making up the Galactic Republic, the senate was designed as a democratic ruling body to make decisions affecting trade routes and such.

This would work well if it wasn’t stuffed with gormless loons who let Palpatine trick them, slaughter the Jedi and essentially seize control of the galaxy.

In Real Life:
Sick of MP scandals and inadequate government, the UK chooses a brand new form of government based entirely on the Wars system.

Plus the Houses of Parliament are torn down to make way for a massive chamber, which can also hold sporting events to raise funds for government programs.

This would’ve worked well if the BNP hadn’t seized power, slaughtered half the police force and installed a drooling fascist loony as Supreme Chancellor.

Next: Threepio

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C-3PO

In Star Wars: The overly chatty translator droid can speak over six million languages but lacks the ability to be A) brave or B) subtle.

So he’s extremely useful but utterly annoying. Fortunately, he has an off switch. And can be dismantled if necessary.

In Real Life: Sick of low grades on his German and French GCSE test papers, swotty student Simon Pinkling turns to the life-size Threepio model he just happens to have lying around.

Due to copyright restrictions, he can’t get Anthony Daniels’ voice samples, so he kidnaps Daniels and forces him to learn as many languges as possible.

There’s one small flaw in his otherwise ace plan: Daniels sweats to death in the suit when he’s left in Simon’s mum’s car all day before the first exam.
 

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Comments

    • Liamario

      Jul 2nd 2009, 17:50

      Could this possibly be the worst article ever?

      Alert a moderator

    • jollieoldtime

      Jul 3rd 2009, 9:09

      Hahaha!!!!!! My favorite is the X-Wing in real life. Although a lightsaber would be pretty baller.

      Alert a moderator