The Movie Cowboy: Once Upon A Time In The West’s blue-eyed nightmare, Frank is the sort of wrong’un who transcends the commonplace violence of the Old West with his own personal brand of sadism. He’ll kill you, he’ll kill your wife, he’ll kill your children. He’s thorough like that.

The Movie Alien: Terl is one of the ludicrously coiffured Psychlos from risible sci-fi actioner Battlefield Earth. Clocking in at nine feet tall and weighing around 1,000 pounds, he might look like a bit of a tit, but he’s not someone you’d go out of your way to pick a fight with. Unless you’d paid to sit through his film, of course…

If They Fought: Regardless of the result, there will be one less sociopath in the universe come the end of this one. Everyone’s a winner!

The Winner: Terl overpowers Frank, ploughing his fist straight through the cowboy’s midriff. However, Frank manages to fire one last shot off as he falls to his knees, picking off Terl’s son before he dies. Typical.

Sample Dialogue: [Terl] “Bow before the might of the Scientologists! I mean, ‘the Psychlos!’ That’s what I meant…”