With Saw and Transformers headed for a theme park near you here are some totally appropriate ideas for other thrill rides. Expect to see them at Thorpe Park by 2010 at the very latest.
The Straight Story
Why we want it: Normal rollercoasters take punters on exciting journeys. Boring. Our rollercoaster will take them on an emotional journey. Exciting!
The Ride: You buy a ticket when you’re born, wait 70 or so years for your turn, then sit on a replica lawnmower for 6 months (moving along our exclusive emotional track at a speed of approximately a mile a 72 hour) while we flash images of past loves and lost relatives in your face.
Why they won’t make it: Apparently, a lifetime is too much commitment for your average thrill-seeker. Philistines.
Why we want it: Everyone wants to be President – with our ride, anyone can!
The Ride: To buy a ticket, theme park guests have to take a basic IQ test. If they fail, they’re in! Our W ride will allow guests to the complete presidential experience – visit our golf room and sink a few holes! Make some hilarious speeches using our special English language mangling microphone! Go into our death room and shoot some innocent prisoners in the face! Fun for all the family!
Why they won’t make it: Some legal mumbo-jumbo about the murder of innocents. Cowards.
The Passion Of The Christ – The Water Ride
Why we want it: Christ was passionate about a lot of things. We don’t know if one of those things was water rides but, you know, probably.
The Ride: The most exciting ride in the history of AD, the The Passion Of The Christ Water Ride allows punters to descend into our exclusive Walk On Water Into Wine Flume before ascending so high they’ll be able to say hello to their (Christ’s) dad! Just don’t eat supper before going on our Resurrection Loop, you’ll puke!
Why they won’t make it: Something about bad taste. Prudes.
Snakes On A Plane
Why we want it: Snakes On A Plane, that joke’s still funny, right? “Get these motherfucking snakes off my motherfucking plane!” Hilarious. No? Then go on our ride!
The Ride: People often forget one of the best things about theme park rides is the waiting in the queues! You get to hang out, make new friends, and talk endlessly about how exciting the ride's going to be when you eventually get on it.
With Snakes On A Plane – The Ride, you get to queue and queue until you get to the end of the queue, which is really the beginning of the queue all over again! Only the signs have changed now it’s Watchmen: The Ride! I can’t believe they got rid of the squid!
Why they won’t make it: We were told that the Snakes On A Plane train has left the station. That’s kind of the point. Idiots.
Why we want it: We’re fed up with these rides that everyone can understand and enjoy – surely there’s room in the market for a passion project?
The Ride: Buy a ticket, then follow the signs written in an alien language using the internet to try and decode the directions. When you eventually find the entrance, the ride’s over, or at least that’s what you think. In reality, the ride never began. For anyone.
Why they won’t make it: Because ‘angry’ and ‘excluded’ aren’t top of the list of things people want to experience at theme parks. How close-minded.
Still too soon.