1Hancock

Get Drunk: The drunk part is easy: with a wad of fivers and a reliably-stocked Lidl within staggering distance, Bob's your pissed-up old uncle. To upset the locals by "helping", simply rent a stockpile of idiotically powerful tools then post flyers pimping your services as a free odd-job man. And keep drinking.

Superspunk: Chances are, no amount of dodgy spam email supplements or Sting-style tantric clenching will have you blasting your feculence through a caravan roof. However, we once heard a school rumour to the effect that bending your tumescence downward and releasing it at the, um, 'optimum moment' can help achieve some rather heroic distances.

Mind you, the only kid we knew who tried it managed to hit a hot lightbulb, filling his teenage bedroom with a truly ungodly stink that took several days to dissipate. Look, nobody said this was going to be glamorous. Have another drink.

The PR Guru: It costs a fair amount to hire a decent publicist, so try and save the life of yours, like Hancock does, to hopefully get some media guidance for free.

Failing that, base rates in Hollywood last year for a mid-to-high-level publicist are in the region of $3,000 to $5,000 per month. On top of that,
you'll have to be seen haemorrhaging cash (while behaving impeccably - do NOT have another drink) at all kinds of up-market bashes.

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