The Horns: Easy! Empty cheese spread pots, paint them red like the rest of your face and wear them at a jaunty angle over each eyebrow. You
are now clearly from hell and people will treat you with infinite respect. As long as you remembered to clean all the processed cheese residue out first.

Fireproofing: Unlike the Hellboy movie, the original comic books didn't make any reference to their protagonist being fireproof, but hey – that's why films are better. Our research indicates that you're probably looking at about $400 for a set of nicely insulated, flame-resistant overalls. A protective hood would be about another $320, but then nobody would see your cheese pots, so sod that.

The right hand of doom: Since Hellboy's mutant mauler appears to be crafted from a mysterious red stone, the nearest equivalent we can think of would be common or garden plaster.

It's also supposed to be significantly larger than the wimpy left hand, so we suggest getting hold of one of those giant foam pointy-finger things. Dunk that into a bucket of plaster, paint it red, and get busy smiting. Your mates can write amusing slogans on the cast, if any of them are still talking to you now you've got old Dairylea cartons glued into your barnet.