Irradiation: Gamma rays can produce thermal burn injuries and suppress the immune system. They also induce DNA alteration by interfering with a cell's genetic material. This is more likely to induce cancerous lesions than transform the subject into a scaled-up temper-tantrum alpha male.

Bulking Up: If you're really desperate for a fast-track route, steroid abuse is the only option. A not-so-healthy role model would be Greg Valentino, the man with the world's biggest biceps (28in). Be careful, though - Valentino is now the star of the Channel Five doc The Man Whose Arms Exploded.

Greenness: If you're white, you're already green - sort of. Natural Caucasian skin colour is a kind of greenish-grey. The pink coloration comes from blood beneath the skin. We 'turn green' when we feel sick, as the blood has drained, revealing the skin's true colour. So, just make yourself feel sick all the time. Or use body paint. Or get the colour tattooed all over.