0423: It's time for best actor, which they're prefacing with five long citations. Michelle Pfeiffer does Jeff Bridges; Vera Farmiga does George Clooney; Julianne Moore does Colin Firth; Tim Robbins does Morgan Freeman; and Colin Farrell does Jeremy Renner. Christ, this is interminable.

0431: After all that, Kate Winslet puts us out of our misery by giving Jeff Bridges the Oscar we all knew he was going to get. "Thank you Academy members!" he whoops. "And thank you Mom and Dad, for putting me into such a groovy profession. This is honouring them as much as me." His speech lasts four minutes, which rather makes a mockery of the Academy saying they'd keep them down to 45 seconds.

0435: We are now into the fourth hour, which is pretty long even by Oscar standards. Best actress next, and not a moment too soon.

0440: Yes, more long tributes. Forest Whitaker does Sandra Bullock; Michael Sheen does Helen Mirren; Peter Sarsgaard does Carey Mulligan; Oprah Winfrey does Gabby Sidibe; while Meryl Streep gets hers from Stanley Tucci. Enter Sean Penn, who presents the gong to...

0447: ...Sandra Bullock. "Did I earn this or did I just wear you all down?" says the Blind Side star, going on to thank "everyone who was nice to me when it wasn't fashionable", her late mother Helga and "my lover, Meryl Streep." A few laughs, a bit of emotion and a fabulous dress make this the best speech of the night.

0455: Barbra Streisand - never nommed once for best director - gets to present the award to its first female recipient, Kathryn Bigelow. "It's the moment of a lifetime," says the Hurt Locker lady. "I'd lke to dedicate this to the women and men who risk their lives on a daily basis in Iraq, Afghanistan and around the world."

0458: Tom Hanks strides on and, without delay, names The Hurt Locker as this year's best picture. Jeremy Renner, Anthony Mackie and Brian Geraghty stand arm in arm behind Mark Boal as he thanks fourth producer Nicolas Chartier, banned from the Oscars for aggressive lobbying; then Bigelow makes "one more dedication" to the armed forces. ("They're there for us, and we're there for them.")

0502: "Ladies and gentlemen, this show is so long that Avatar now takes place in the past," says Steve Martin, bringing the awards to an overdue close. Just a guess, but we suspect there'll only be five best picture nominees next year...