The Furious Quandaries Of Richard Ayoade

Our columnist shares his correspondence with a co-star

Richard Ayoade

My co-stars on Boom Goes The Neigborhood! have been beyond supportive of my fledgling flight in the apo-com-lyptic action genre, and many now know my name.

From the start, one in particular has been marvellously vigilant in keeping the lines of communication with me open and clear. For legal reasons, his name is withheld.

Many thanks for your recent letter.

No need to worry, I have already received the instruction to only verbally address your client via his assistant.

The ‘good morning’ I uttered was an error born of habit and not an attempt ‘to undermine the foundations of the terms of my employment’.

While avoiding any eye contact with your client during the scenes themselves may prove hard, I’m looking forward to the challenge!

Also, thanks in abundance for the further clarifications you graciously make in the enclosed appendix. I will not cross those particular boundaries again.

In my dealings with other people a handshake has been viewed as a cordial gesture and not the ‘epidermal defilement’ referred to in your draft injunction.

In future I will offer the quarter bow you so kindly suggest.

Might I make one small request in turn? Is there any way your client could stop practising golf during takes?

The metronome-like swish of metal behind the camera is distracting enough, but the cries of ‘Fore!’ make it near impossible to deliver dialogue.

Sincere supplications, R


A thousand thank yous for your recent communication.

I am well aware that your client is on a strict alfalfa and chlorophyll cleanse and that the smell of ‘any food on my breath’ must be ‘fatally distracting’ for him.

However, your team’s insistence that I ‘stop eating for the duration of the production’ is proving difficult.

Yesterday I caved and ordered a double helping at the Ikea snack station. Forty meatballs. That’s going to haunt me, and those around me, for several days to come.

However, I can assure you I will restrict any liquid intake on set to the bare minimum and if driven by sheer madness to ‘consume solids’ I will do so in the ‘privacy of the crew toilet’.

Can I take this opportunity to mention that dribbling a basketball off camera may be even more disruptive than the putting practise?

An armoire of apologies, R

A tower of thanks for your timely epistle.

I suppose, given the physical distance you’d like me to maintain from your client, it’s tricky to know exactly when he’s breathing in, and so for me ‘not to exhale at any time that [your] client is inhaling’ requires synchronisation that may be beyond my physical capacities.

Perhaps this particular rhythm was what he was trying to imply with the golf swings?

And while the suggestion that ‘perhaps I don’t breathe at all’ seems simple, I feel it may be tricky in conjunction with your client’s suggestion, communicated via his security chief, for me ‘[to] go fuck myself in the mouth’.

Perhaps I must view such outbursts as what you call ‘the gift of fear’.

In expectation of ever closer ties, R

 

Did you enjoy Richard's correspondence? Let us know below...

Comments

    • sambarriscale

      Jul 27th 2012, 12:42

      ....Stiller...

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    • FBJJohnson

      Jul 27th 2012, 13:11

      Anyone else find this column completely and utterly rubbish? I mean, I like the guy and everything (he was fantastic in IT Crowd), but this column just irritates me at how unfunny it is.

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    • rickymartin

      Jul 29th 2012, 11:06

      I find it very funny and enjoy reading his columns, it offers something different to Total Film.

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    • Jeffbiscuits

      Jul 29th 2012, 12:06

      He's hilarious.

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    • jmcg91279

      Jul 29th 2012, 16:11

      The column is about as funny as child molestation. I don't rate him at all, i just came in here to see if i was the only one who felt like that. He is of the same ilk as as new writer Alex Zane, a complete waste of life. I'm disapointed that i now have to accept that i buy a magazine with contributions from people with less talent than a used sanitary towel. Just when you think it can't get worse they also a spread on Keith Lemon in the current issue. Why not do a feature on the "brilliant" Benidorm and do a couple of glamour shots wth the cast of Geordie Shore so i can finally come to the conclusion that this magazine no longer represents anything i am interested in anymore?

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    • QuietLife

      Jul 29th 2012, 23:19

      You're reading far too much into it buddy. If you don't like it, go and read something else. TF has always maintained an 'every-man' approach to their reviews/features which Ayoade epitomises extremely well. You've either missed something or you'll never see it so I suggest you go and check your cine-listings with the Daily Mail. I'm sure it'll be more your speed.

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    • Lefty

      Jul 30th 2012, 3:58

      @jmcg91279...Simple solution, don't buy the magazine if you feel it isn't written with you specifically in mind instead of coming off like a bit of a misanthrope...No offence. Regarding how funny the column is & your observation; So how funny is child molestation then, in your view? The inference being it must have some humour to you, given you used it for comparison. Bit weird, but ok. Anyhoo, I laughed at the correspondence. Funny stuff, The I.T. Crowd, Mighty Boosh, Garth Merenghi...keep up the good work Mr. Ayoade.

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    • jmcg91279

      Jul 30th 2012, 10:52

      Child molestation is not funny at all and in my view Mr Ayoade is less funny than that. Simple. i love how i give my opinion, don't make any remarks about anyone else's opinion and yet get two attacks on my own. Not sure what is worse, being accused of reading the Daily Mail or being a misanthrope. For the record i don't read trash like the Daily Mail and I'm not a werewolf!!!!!!

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    • Lefty

      Jul 30th 2012, 13:50

      Try reading your original remarks back to yourself and take an objective view. Can you do that? Comments to focus on 'child molestation', 'complete waste of life', 'used sanitary towel'....And now you feel picked on? I'd say suggesting you sound misanthropic is reasonable.

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    • bencobra

      Jul 30th 2012, 13:51

      I don't really enjoy this feature in the magazine but at the same time I find RA extremely funny in the comedies mentioned by Lefty. At the end f the day not every page in TF is going to be to your taste. If you really find the article that bad maybe just read something in the publication that is more to your taste. i mean I can't drive but that does not make me really upset with the car ads that often occupy the Inside Front Cover.

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    • jmcg91279

      Jul 30th 2012, 21:01

      Lefty has clearly only got one insult. And i tried to diffuse the situation by trying to bring a bit of laughter by suggesting i had no idea what misanthropic means. Aw well, just shows the difference between my way of looking at things and theirs. i still stand by my opinion as that is what it is. i've still not insulted anyone for their view, even if it contradicts mine. i don't see the problem. Some people think only their view can be right or is what matters. My way of putting things across may seem harsh to some but it is my way, nothing more. If people want to focus on certain buzz words so be it. The point remains, he isn't for me and the magazine has recently been changing in ways that make it less and less representative of the things i am interested in. If you don't like how i say it don't read it and certainly don't respond to it, you'll just encourage me. Can you understand that?

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    • jakewhite

      Jul 30th 2012, 22:34

      Good call +sambarriscale! Making both the first and the most on point comment yet posted. A rare achievement, indeed!

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    • Lefty

      Jul 31st 2012, 2:32

      @jmcg91279...No insults fella, just observations, but how you perceive criticism is your business I suppose. I wouldn't say your way of putting things across was harsh so much as ill-judged, self-aggrandising & not a very nice way to speak about another person. But, you don't see it so I'll leave it at that. I got the werewolf quip the first time, but cheers for the prompt, the lack of validation or lol's must have been embarrassing so I can see why you felt the need. I guess one comedian writing on this page was enough after all.

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    • jmcg91279

      Jul 31st 2012, 11:05

      There is nothing that i could write on here about myself or that anyone could write on here about me that would cause any embarrassment. I don't use lol's or other validations because i'm not one of these idiots that uses text talk. Anyway, i'm off to see who else i can annoy.

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