The Song: Joe the Lion

Joe the Lion appeared on the 1977 album Heroes. It’s said to be based on the story of a performance artist called Chris Burden, who was famous at the time for getting himself nailed to cars and shot and ghastly things like that.

But hey! This is Hollywood! Enough of all that factual tish tosh. We just need the bare bones so we can bastardise the story out of all recognition.

The Movie:

The film is narrated by the crackly voice-over of an old woman. Joe “The Lion” Caffarelli is an Italian-American living in grimy 1980s New York. He’s so-called on account of the lion tattoo on his back.

Joe is a bare-knuckle fighter who makes it big in the seedy New York underworld. He is a chauvinistic alcoholic wife-beater who is a favourite among the crowds.

His wife, Angela, begins to get a trifle miffed at all the punching that’s happening to her face. She’s also a bit of a fruit loop.

One night, after being the object of his pre-fight warm-up, Angela climbs into the ring and shoots him dead.

The audience then discovers that the narrator is the elderly Angela who is living in an institute for the criminally insane, telling the story to a nurse, who dismisses her story as the ramblings of a demented old crumbly.

The Cast:

Clive Owen beefs up and tackles the lead role. He’s only just convincing as an Italian-American, but his job is made a little easier by the fact that most of his dialogue is done in a shouty voice, so any accent slip-ups are smoothed over with spittle. 

Kate Bosworth is horribly miscast as Angela. She has none of the depth required for such a complex character, and, at the end, some unconvincing ageing make-up undoes any credibility the film’s gained in its 90-minute duration.

She is remarkably good at falling over, though (which she does a lot). Look out for cameos from Joe Pesci and someone from Friends. Probably doesn’t matter who.

Sample Dialogue:

The crowd chants, “Joe the Lion, made of iron,” as Angela steps into the ring and shoots his face off.

Next: China Girl