The 32 Worst Horror Films Ever Made

The bad, the trash and the repulsive...

 

FrightFest screams into London this week for five days of frantic fear flicks.

From 27 - 31 August, FrightFest will bring a mixture of highbrow horror films and trashy terror movies to gore-hungry audiences from across the globe.

Some will be brilliantly made, others will be awesomely awful.

We saw Audition at the festival. But then we also saw Day Of The Dead 2 there. We loved both, for very different reasons.

So, to celebrate FrightFest's imminent arrival, we’ve rifled through our VHS collection to bring you the best of the bad horror flicks we hold close to our pus-filled hearts.

We recommend you keep a sick bag handy for some of the clips and trailers.

And some headache tablets.

 

 

32. Street Trash (1987)

The Movie

A liquor store owner finds a free crate full of booze that gets his hobo customers really drunk. Sadly, it also melts them from the inside-out.

Why So Bad?

It’s just, well, disgusting. And not in a cool way. In a ‘Wow, I just saw someone melt on a toilet’ way.

If that sounds like something you'd like to watch, check out the clip below. Keep an eye out for the arbitrary Evil Dead style camera-work.

But this isn't one of those, 'The scene featuring a gloopy head gurning in a toilet bowl was the only good bit' films, there are so many insanely disgusting moments in Street Trash, we lost count after the fifth time we vomited. One day, we hope to turn it into a stage play.

So Bad It’s Good?

Absolutely. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a couple of hobos play catch with the penis of their freshly melted mate.

The Toilet Meltdown

 
 
31. The Dentist (1996)

The Movie

An under pressure dentist totally loses his marbles when he discovers his wife is having an affair with the pool boy.

He decides to use his dental equipment… to kill.

Why So Bad?

It’s not so much a horror flick as a melodrama with bloody drills.

The first half of the movie is so concerned with the day-to-day running of a dental surgery you forget you're watching a horror film. Which, obviously, isn’t all that exciting.

So Bad It’s Good?


Yes, if only because once it gets going, the cast really gives it their all. This is literally the most stressed out dentist we’ve ever seen.

The Trailer


 
Next: Motel Hell, Galaxy Of Terror

 

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30. Motel Hell (1980)

The Movie

A couple of crazy hicks run two businesses; a Motel and a meat curing farm.

Sadly for their customers, the two businesses are pretty tightly connected.

Farmer Vincent makes the best burgers in town. The only trouble is, they’re made from people meat.

Why So Bad?


It’s as if someone decided to combine Psycho and Texas Chain Saw Massacre by bludgeoning both films into a thick pink paste, carefully removing any flecks of logic they find in the mix.

The protagonists genuinely bury people in the ground, so they can have a human garden. The victims are still alive, but at no point do they scream for help. We guess they figure the sacks on their faces are soundproof.

Either that or it's got something to do with the fact Farmer Vincent tears out their larynxs before he buries them. One or the other.

So Bad It’s Good?

It’s got one of the all-time greatest climaxes – involving a chainsaw fight in a meat factory, that features our main lead wearing a pig's head as a mask.

If we had our way, all films would end like this. Intrigued? You can see it below. It's in Spanish, but that really doesn't matter for most of it.

The Climax

 

 

29. Galaxy Of Terror (1981)

The Movie:

A crew of astronauts on a rescue mission are confronted with physical manifestations of their worst nightmares.

Why So Bad?

It should be terrible. It was made by exploitation king Roger Corman on a budget so low it was found under a sofa cushion.

The cast list reads like a who’s who of trash – including Robert Englund and Sid Haig. It’s one of many, many, many ‘80s Alien rip-offs.

But somehow, it’s actually pretty cool.

If you ignore the cheap sets and embarassing second hand costumes, Galaxy’s grisly special effects (part-created by one James Cameron) and genuinely nasty moments elevate it above its SF/Horror peers. You’ll be hearing more about that particular subgenre as this list progresses.

So Bad It’s Good?

Galaxy contains some genuinely disturbing death scenes, like the fate doled out to Rob Zombie regular Haig you can see below, and a sexual assault conducted by a giant maggot. Gore hounds and sickos will love it.

The Disturbing Death Scene

 

Next: It's Alive III: Island Of The Alive, Leprechaun In The Hood

 

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28. It's Alive III: Island Of The Alive (1987)

The Movie

The first two flicks introduced the concept of monster mutant babies with a lust for blood into popular culture.

The third film sends them to live on a desert island. It’s a court ordered attempt by one of the parents to keep his hideous mutant son and its vile baby buddies from being murdered for their previous crimes. He’s pretty happy about the judge's decision.

Unfortunately, not everyone feels the same way – leading to an island invasion by a bunch of baby hunters.

Why So Bad?

It’s Alive III, despite the stunningly lame premise, had the potential to be the best of the series – it’s definitely got the highest budget of the bunch.

But it’s bogged down by the weight of some of the hammiest performances we've seen since Porky Pig auditioned for Hamlet wearing a costume made out of bacon.

So Bad It’s Good?


Oh yes, just like every single mutant baby movie of the ‘80s, It’s Alive III contains many scenes featuring a grown man being terrified by a giant rubbery baby. Which is an absolute delight to behold.

The Trailer

 

27. Leprechaun In The Hood (2000)

The Movie

Three kids need money to enter a rap battle. So they steal the Leprechaun’s golden medallion. Released from his stone prison, the Leprechaun embarks on a killing / punning spree.

Why So Bad?

We didn’t like the Leprechaun’s rhymes in the previous four films. When they’re set to a hip hop beat, they’re worse.

Hood also features Ice T's worst performance to date. And trust us when we say that's quite an achievement.

So Bad It’s Good?

Half the cast seem to realise they’re in a joke flick, the other half appear to be playing it straight. That’s a recipe for chuckles, right there.

The Acting Of Ice T


 

Next: Redneck Zombies, Inseminoid

 

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26. Redneck Zombies (1987)



The Movie

A bunch of backwoods rednecks find a barrel of toxic waste and use it to make moonshine. Soon, everyone that drinks it turns into a zombie. Seven city slickers enter the woods and have to suffer an onslaught of undead inbreds.

Why So Bad?

It’s a Troma production. Troma’s a company that’s built an industry out of badness.

We’re not saying that Redneck Zombies is the worst film they’ve ever made, but it is one of the shoddiest.

The zombies are made from things the production team found in the kitchen cupboard; flour, cornflakes, that sort of thing.

Also, we can tell that the shoot took at least a year, because over the course of the film – which is supposed to take place on one day – the background seasons change from summer to autumn to winter.

So Bad It’s Good?

If you’ve ever giggled with misanthropic delight at The Jerry Springer Show, this will immediately leap into your top five films of all time.

The Trailer

 

 

25. Inseminoid (1981)

The Movie

Another day in the ‘80s, another blatant Alien rip-off. This time, it's a group of interplanetary archaeologists who are facing an alien menace; namely, a parasite that invades its hosts and turns them into bloodthirsty killers.

Why So Bad?


It’s got an ET threat that takes all of the subtle sexual undertones of HR Giger’s classic Alien design and replaces it with a penis that looks like it’s been made out of a plastic pipe and some mouldy meatballs.

So Bad It’s Good?

Species 2 fans will probably enjoy the below clip, which features an blonde alien bombshell eating a mushed-up penis. Everyone else will probably gip.

The Protracted Death Scene

 
Next: Chopping Mall, April Fool’s Day

 

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24. Chopping Mall (1986)

The Movie

A gang of horny teens break into a mall to have an after-hours party. Unluckily for them, they choose the very same night the mall’s security robots glitch into psychopathic killers. Hate it when that happens.

Why So Bad?

It’s the complete absence of logic that we admire here. The robots are supposed to protect the mall but they cause so much destruction we’re pretty sure they’d have been handed their P45s the very next day. Or WD40s. Or whatever it is you give robots when you want to fire them.

Also, they look a bit like metal bins on roller skates with red bicycle lights glued to their lids. In all fairness, that’s probably what they are.

So Bad It’s Good?


Oh yes. Everything in this film, from the haircuts to the outfits to the luxurious items we can see on sale in the mall, screams ‘80s so loudly the echoes can still be heard in 2087.

And it contains the greatest head explosion since Scanners. Guess what? You can see it below. We’re really good to you.

The Head Boom

 

23. April Fools Day (1986)

The Movie

Some teenagers go on holiday to a lakehouse over April Fool’s weekend. Once there, they start dying one by one. Or do they?

Why So Bad?

April Fool’s Day takes the typical slasher flick template and updates it with a twist so mind-bogglingly annoying that you'll wish it had all been a dream. We'll give you five seconds to guess what that twist is. Congratulations, you got it.

So Bad It’s Good?

Well, it’s got Thomas F Wilson (or, as we like to call him, Biff from Back To The Future) in a pretty major role.

And, as science will eventually prove, the presence of Biff in any film automatically makes it amazing. One day we hope to see Jurassic Biff, Biff The 13th and Biff’s List at our local multiplex.

Oh, and the trailer is memorable for having two trailer voice guys. We prefer the second one, because he doesn't sound 14.

The Trailer

 
Next: Frankenhooker, Contamination

 

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22. Frankenhooker (1990)

The Movie

A med student loses his fiancé in a freak lawnmower accident.

He manages to save her head from being mowed, and decides to make her a new carcass using the body parts of prostitutes.

It’s your typical family fare.  

Who So Bad?


Believe it or not, the genius premise was quietly improvised by director Frank Henenlotter during a pitch meeting.

The literary equivalent of that is probably Jesus strolling into a publishing house and making up the Bible off the top of his head.

Sadly, or possibly brilliantly, Henenlotter takes that premise and weaves one of the most genuinely bizarre films ever to go on general release from it.

You haven’t lived until you’ve seen an exploding hooker’s head knock a muscle-man in leopard print leggings unconscious. Luckily, you can see that below.

So Bad It’s Good?


Whether it’s the scenes where Frankenhooker is wandering around city streets barking “Wanna date?” at strangers before violently attacking them, or the stunning sequence where our hero throws a party for a bunch of prostitutes so he can measure them up and kill ‘em off with a pipe full of explosive crack, this is the sort of film you tell your kids about.

The Hooker Explosion



 

 

21. Contamination (1980)



The Movie

A cardboard coffee box full of slimy green alien eggs shows up on a boat. The US government investigates, and tries to work out where they came from. It's Mars. They tell you that in the trailer.

Why So Bad?


One of the earliest ‘80s Alien rip-offs is arguably better than the original, because it doesn’t bother with boring stuff like the gestating period of the Xenomorphs.

There are no facehuggers here, no chestbursters, Contamination simply cuts straight to the chase. You touch the alien eggs, your chest explodes. For no reason at all. Stunning.

So Bad It’s Good?


Brilliantly, director Cozzi claims in the DVD commentary that it isn’t his style to copy other movies. Before going on to admit that Contamination was ‘inspired’ by Alien. The man’s an indecisive genius.

Just to clear up any resulting confusion, Contamination is a massive rip-off of Alien. Though, for the record, the trailer is incredible.

The Trailer

 

Next: The Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion Of The Crust , Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go To College

 

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20. The Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion Of The Crust (2008)

The Movie

When marvelously named murderer Millard Findlemeyer is executed his ashes are sent to his mother, who happens to be a witch. She mixes the remains with gingerbread mix, resurrecting him. As a foul-mouthed biscuit.

In this sequel, Gingerdead has been sent to a film set, to complete a spell which allow him to become a real man.

Why So Bad?

It might have been awful, but at least the original Gingerdead Man had the baffling presence of Gary Busey as the voice of the titular idiot. It was clearly a more entertaining performance than we gave it credit for.

The sequel features John Vulich as Gingerdead, an actor with so little star power he also appears as Makeup Effects Guy #4.

So Bad It’s Good?


Well, it does contain a Gingerdead Man crucifixion scene, complete with crown of thorns, so it can’t be all bad. 

The Trailer

 

 

 

19. Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go To College (1991)

The Movie

Ghoulies started out as a cheap Gremlins rip-off. This instalment sees the troublesome little critters turning up on a college campus. Hilarity ensues.

Why So Bad?

The original had a modicum of low-budget charm. The sequel had an interesting funhouse setting.

But the third flick commits the ultimate crime; the makers have realised that the first two films were accidentally hilarious, and are now trying to be deliberately funny.

This leads to a film that's more frat comedy than horror flick, with the Ghoulies reduced to a slapstick supporting role.

When we first saw it, we genuinely wondered if someone found a dog-chewed Revenge Of The Nerds sequel script and tried to add Ghoulies to it.

That's not the stuff that horror classics are made of. We didn't think that when we watched Suspiria, for example.

So Bad It’s Good?

It does have a certain car crash quality, especially whenever future Dragon The Bruce Lee story star Jason Scott Lee is onscreen, wearing a sideways baseball cap and gurning like an idiot.

The Trailer

 

Next: Meridian, Parasite

 

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18. Meridian (1990)



The Movie

Sherilyn Fenn goes on holiday to an Italian castle with her mate.

Once there, Fenn discovers a carnival, and falls in love with the lead magician. But she also falls in love with a werewolf. Now that’s a love triangle. Or is it?

Why So Bad?

It stars Sherilyn Fenn and has a surreal flashback involving a midget, but David Lynch this is not.

We’re pretty sure even he would have considered a scene in which his lead actress has sex with a werewolf, set to what appears to be the pan pipe demo on a second hand synth, as being a bit too out there for his tastes.

It was made nine years after American Werewolf In London but you probably don’t believe that if you watch the clip below.

So Bad It’s Good?

Sadly, it’s mostly boring. But the soundtrack is truly amazing. All films should sound like the keyboard guy fell asleep on the keys, in our opinion.

The Transformation

 

17. Parasite (1982)



The Movie

Another of the many post-Alien monster movies to filch elements from Ridley Scott’s classic, Parasite pinches the chestbuster detail (moving it around the body, see clip below) and builds a lame post-apocalyptic horror flick around it.

Government scientist Dr Paul Dean has infected himself with an alien parasite, in an attempt to create the ultimate biological weapon in a futuristic (1992) world.

Deciding that was a bad idea, he escapes the lab and holes up in a post-apocalyptic farm with Demi Moore, pursued by government agents and a gang of punks who want the weapon.

Why So Bad?

Demi Moore’s debut demonstrates that from her very first role, she has never been particularly good at acting.

But she’s not the worst part. Because Parasite is the most perplexing thing ever to happen to 3D cinema.

Director Charles Band is apparently convinced that filming in 3D means he should fling as many actors through the air as is physically possible, in slow motion.

How he came to this conclusion we’ll never know, but it sure gets tiresome after a while.

We’re pretty sure that if James Cameron had seen it, he’d be busily prepping the release of True Lies 3, not Avatar.

So Bad It’s Good?


So bad it’s dull, more like. Mullet connoisseurs should definitely pick it up, but we’d rather scrunch up our 3D shades and eat them than watch it again.

The Faceburster

 

Next: American Psycho 2, The Stuff

 

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16. American Psycho 2: All American Girl (2002)



The Movie

One of Patrick Bateman’s victims survives, by killing Patrick Bateman. As a result of her ordeal, the young girl becomes obsessed with serial killer culture, becoming a sociopath herself. Then she goes to college. Hilarity ensues.

Why So Bad?

The most unnecessary serial killer sequel since Henry Portrait Of A Serial Killer 2, American Psycho 2 tries to retain the satirical edge of its predecessor, but misses the target so spectacularly it’s as if William Tell got drunk on cider and confused his son Walter’s face with the apple.

Actually, even that metaphor is a better plot than what we’ve got here.

Mila Kunis looks constantly uncomfortable, and the script appears to have been written by someone who not only hasn’t read the original book, they haven’t seen the first film either. Or, possibly, any films.

So Bad It’s Good?

William Shatner fans will get a kick out of his supporting role. Everyone else – much like Bret Easton Ellis, who disowned the film – will simply try to pretend it doesn’t exist.

The Trailer

 

 

15. The Stuff (1985)

The Movie

During a routine drilling, a bunch of workman hit upon a reservoir of really addictive pudding, which is immediately marketed as the best thing since ice cream to a bunch of suburbanites.

It's low in calories. Also, it turns people into mindless zombies.

Why So Bad?

The whole cast is a strange mixture of dead-eyed and hysterical, as though the director was pointing a cocked shotgun at their real families, just off camera.

So Bad It’s Good?

The Stuff scores extra points for the scene in which lead kid Scott Bloom eats shaving foam instead of The Stuff, when his body snatcher style family are insisting he joins their pudding cult. It looks like method acting to us.

The Trailer

 

Next: Scarecrows, Witchouse

 

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14. Scarecrows (1988)



The Movie

A gang of crooks steal three million dollars from a Marine Corps camp, kidnapping a pilot and his daughter in the process, and fly away in a chopper.

Unfortunately, one of the robbers double-crosses his pals and parachutes to safety with the money.

Even more unfortunately, he lands in a cursed graveyard, surrounded by evil scarecrows that turn trespassers into other scarecrows.

Seriously, what are the odds?

Why So Bad?

Scarecrows is what happens when someone tried to remake four films – Die Hard, Aliens, Night Of The Living Dead, Navy Seals– on the budget of an Eastenders episode.

This is definitely the angriest film ever made. So much of the dialogue is shouted, you’ll start to turn the volume down almost as soon as it starts.

By around the halfway point, you’ll just go ahead and turn it all the way down, so you don’t have to hear any of the dialogue anymore.

But then you’ll turn it back up again, because you’ll want something to distract you from the diabolical effects.

You can see an example of both in the clip below.

So Bad It’s Good?

The plot sounds like it was pitched by a five-year-old, the director uses POV shots, not as a stylistic device, but in an attempt to mask the poor effects, the dialogue is shouted so loudly it’s almost incoherent... what’s not to like?

 The Shouting

 

13. Witchouse (1999)



The Movie

On the 300th anniversary of her witch ancestor Lilith’s death, Elizabeth gathers together a bunch of her friends so that she can conduct a séance to contact her.

Unfortunately, a couple of the guests are descended from the people who killed the witch, and Lilith comes back form the dead to wreak havoc on everyone.

Why So Bad?

Even if you ignore the grammatical nightmare that is the title, Witchouse is still one of the worst horror flicks ever made – not least because of its pathological delusions of grandeur.

It’s peppered with constant references to H.P Lovecraft, even mentioning the Necronomicon by name at one point, forgetting the golden rule that if you mention that book in any movie, you will remind people of The Evil Dead, and automatically suffer in comparison.

So Bad It’s Good?

Only if you play a drinking game, taking a shot every time you see or hear thunder and lightning. About 7 minutes in, you’ll be under the table.

The Trailer

 

Next: Creepozoids, Slugs

 

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12. Creepozoids (1987)



The Movie

Following an atomic war, a group of survivors hide from a nasty bout of acid rain in an abandoned lab (which looks a lot like an office supplies warehouse).
.
Unfortunately, the lab was used to create genetically engineered war monsters. And it’s not as abandoned as it appears.

Why So Bad?

We’re not against films that appear to have been filmed in a warehouse. Reservoir Dogs, for example, is amazing.

But then Reservoir Dogs doesn’t feature a climax in which a mutant baby puppet that looks like it was designed by the Spitting Image team attempts to kill the lead.

That bit’s not played for laughs, by the way. You will laugh, though.

So Bad It’s Good?

Linnea Quigley, Trash from Return Of The Living Dead, is in it. It’s the third best film ever made.

The Trailer

 

 

11. Slugs (1988)



The Movie

Based on Shaun Hutson’s bargain bin book, a tome that manages to stretch the concept ‘slugs eat people’ across 208 pages.

Why So Bad?

The tagline sums it up – They Ooze, They Slime, They Kill.

Ignoring the fact that two of those things are the same thing, what the tagline fails to clarify is: Why?

The film doesn’t explain it either. But that’s fine, we weren’t that interested.

So Bad It’s Good?

It’s incredible.

Despite the fact that it’s clearly labelled ‘Slugs’, the slugs look like snails and worms explode out of someone's eyeballs, for no apparent reason.

There’s a chance those worms are meant to be slugs, though.

It did win a 'Best Slug Biting A Human Toe Scene' Oscar in 1989, however. Or at least it did according to our imaginations.

It also contains literally the most disturbing sex / death / slugs scene in the history of cinema and more quotable lines per minute than most Jim Carrey comedies.

We’re going to start a campaign for its R2 release just as soon as we’re done writing this.

The Trailer

 

Next: The Suckling, Dead Heat

 

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10. The Suckling (1990)



The Movie

Boy meets girl, girl gets pregnant, boy takes her to a brothel to have an abortion against her will, abortion gets flushed down the toilet into a pool of toxic waste, abortion grows into massive monster, abortion tries to kill everyone, abortion attempts to return to its mother’s womb.

Tale as old as time.

Why So Bad?

Check out the below clip of the creature devolving from massive monster, to weird lobster man, to tiny beanie baby, as it tries to return to its mother's womb.

It happens at the end of the movie. It’s the first time we’ve seen any of these stages of the Suckling’s development. It’s SFX work that would embarrass the team behind the Puppet Master movies.

And it’s the best bit in the thing.

When a film contains not one, but two ‘it was all a dream’ sequences, you know you’re onto a winner.

So Bad It’s Good?

Like so many other flicks on this list, if The Suckling was re-stocked in the comedy section, the staff at the video store would breathe a heavy sigh of relief.

Because the acting has evolved into something that the human brain can’t actually recognise as performance.

The script is a mesmerising miasma of. Words. Being. Spoken. By. Morons.

And as for the editing… Stick around for the end credit sequence, which will baffle your mouth so much you won’t be able to close it for at least six months after it’s done.

The Return

 

 

9. Dead Heat (1988)

The Movie

It’s essentially the typical buddy cop template, except that in this instance, one of the cops is a zombie. YES!

Why So Bad?

Scripted by Shane Black’s brother Terry, apparently from the scraps he found in his sibling’s bin.

Jokes cutaway before we hit the punchline, running gags (like a catchphrase “That’s disgusting!”) run out of breath before they reach the finish line, and the central relationship swings between homosexual to homophobic with unnerving ease.

So Bad It’s Good?


But despite all of the above, Dead Heat is saved by the pure genius of the premise and an amazing scene in a Chinese Butcher Shop in which co-lead Joe Piscapo suddenly remembers how to do one-liners and reels off about six in one breath.

It also features one of the best melting scenes we’ve ever freeze-framed. You can see that below.

The Melting

 

Next: Brain Damage, The Gate

 

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8. Brain Damage (1988)

The Movie

Brian finds a talking alien that looks like a big blue poo crossed with a dancing flower. At first, Brian's pleased. But that's because he doesn't know that he’s about to become addicted to the blue mouthwash the creature injects into his brain.

The blue mouthwash makes Brian go on hallucinatory killing sprees, allowing the monster to feed off the brains of Brian’s victims.

We're not sure, but we think it's based on a true story.

Why So Bad?

It’s not so much a horror flick as an anti-drugs advert featuring a scene where a hooker gives a blow-job to an alien so the alien can pull her brains out through her mouth.

So, how much you enjoy it will depend entirely on how you feel about that.

So Bad It’s Good?


Despite the fact that any scene involving any kind of human interaction is almost uniformly awkward, the bits between Elmer and Brian are uniquely awesome.

Oh, and the gore effects are genuinely disturbing – hit the below vid and skip to 4.10 to see someone pull their own brain out of their ear.

The Brains

 

7. The Gate (1987)



The Movie

A bunch of kids have to fight some demons who are coming out of a hole in their garden.

It’s never made entirely clear why they’re appearing, but we think it’s got something to do with heavy metal music.

Why So Bad?

Despite a trailer that makes The Gate look like every kind of awesome, actually watching the film is an incredibly boring experience.

You sit through 45 minutes of child conversation, waiting for anything to happen.

Then, the slow-dawning realisation hits you that the trailer was front-loaded with every single good bit from the film.

That’s a cardinal sin no bad horror movie can recover from.

So Bad It’s Good?

Sadly, this is one of the few flicks on our list to be so bad it’s bad. Still, amazing trailer.

The Trailer

 

Next: Neon Maniacs, C.H.U.D 2

 

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6. Neon Maniacs (1986)



The Movie

A bunch of bridge-dwelling mutants appear out of nowhere to kill fishermen and teens.

One mutant’s an American Indian, one’s a samurai warrior and one’s a whatever. And that’s about as much as we’re offered, plot-wise.

Why So Bad?

Despite the brilliant title, Neon Maniacs is to horror cinema what Garbage Pail Kids is to ET.

It’s like someone vaguely remembered someone else describing what horror films look like, and wrote a script based on that experience.

So Bad It’s Good?

The Neon Maniacs look like they’re wearing Bo Selecta masks that have been left out in the sun. They don’t have any kind of backstory. It’s brilliant.

The Trailer

 

5. C.H.U.D 2: Bud The Chud (1989)



The Movie

The original C.H.U.D is so brilliantly appalling that it would have made this list if its unwanted sequel wasn’t so much worse.

The first flick was a load of nonsense about a bunch of sewer-dwelling mutants.

The sequel is a sub-Return Of The Living Dead rip-off about a zombie that invades a small town via the medium of slapstick. We're really not sure how it's connected to the first one. We've got a feeling it isn't.

Why So Bad?


Imagine California Man, but instead of a caveman, you’ve got an undead idiot.

Oh, and instead of Pauly Shore muttering about wheezing the juice, you’ve got a lisping sitcom star setting fire to a frog in an attempt to distract you from his massive curly mullet.

This thing makes Weekend At Bernie's look like Dawn Of The Dead.

So Bad It’s Good?

Absolutely not. Watch the trailer below if you don’t believe us. Then go and rent Return Of The Living Dead to make yourself feel better.

The Trailer

 

Next: Creature, The Mangler

 

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4. Creature (1985)



The Movie

Our final Alien rip-off, with one minor difference that makes it stand out from the rest. This alien turns astronauts into zombies. SCORE.

Why So Bad?

It looks like it was lit by a torch at the exact moment the batteries start to run out, and we’re pretty sure the monster was bought from a jumble sale.

We've asked our parents if it was filmed in our garage, but they swear blind it wasn't. We don't believe them.

So Bad It’s Good?


Klaus Kinski is a sandwich-munching zombie in it. Oh, and Ferris Buller’s dad plays a po-faced mission controller. It’s a hole in your collection that needs to be filled.

Don’t believe us? Then watch the first ten minutes below.

The First Ten Minutes


 

 

3. The Mangler (1995)

The Movie

It’s a film about a haunted mangler. That’s pretty much the most terrifying premise ever. If you work with a mangler. Sadly, that’s not very many people.

Why So Bad?

The trailer contains one of the best worst moments in horror history.

Robert Englund in bad make-up has just been told his daughter died in The Mangler.

“Well,” he says. “We all have to make sacrifices.”

“Human sacrifices?!” his beardy mate bellows, totally ruining Robert Englund’s pun.

That’s like Bond saying “Christmas is going to come twice this year…” and Denise Richard replying, “I’m going to have two orgasms?!”

So Bad It’s Good?

It’s about a haunted laundry folding machine. You’ll never look at your washing machine in the same way again, except that you will, because even though a washing machine is the closest thing you’ve got to a mangler, it’s nothing like one.

The Trailer

 

Next: Edge Of Hell

 

[page-break]

 

2. Edge Of Hell (1987)



The Movie

Why So Bad?

Despite the evidence set forth by final ten minutes of the film, Edge Of Hell (or Rock N Roll Nightmare as it’s sometimes known) isn’t a horror comedy.

Or, at least, it wasn’t meant as one.

The fight between the hair metal man and the papier mache Satan was genuinely intended to scare us. That’s incredibly sweet of it.

So Bad It’s Good?

Why don’t you watch the video, then tell us whether or not it’s so bad it’s good?

But just in case you can’t be bothered to watch a hair metal version of Conan The Barbarian pull rubber starfish from his chest while one-eyed hand puppets smoke cigs in the background, the answer is ‘yes.’

The Final Confrontation

 

Next: And The Number One Worst Horror Movie Ever Made Is...

 

[page-break]

 

1. Troll 2 (1990)

The Movie

A suburban family does a house-swap with a rural family.

Unfortunately, the rural family live in a place called Nilbog. That’s goblin spelt backwards. Goblins live there. It’s their kingdom.

Why So Bad?


Don’t be fooled by the vaguely understandable premise detailed above.

We’re not sure what it’s actually about, it’s possibly an attempt at a campaign against veganism. Seriously.

We think that because one of the plant-loving villains is defeated by a baloney sandwich. Also at one point, a kid pisses on a vegetarian meal to protect his family (leading to the immortal line “You don’t piss on hospitality!”). Oh, and a Nilbog nearly pukes at the mere mention of eggs.

There’s also a sex scene involving a corn on the cob, that causes a room to be filled with popcorn. Evil popcorn (leading to the immortal line, “No. More. Popcorn.”).

But it’s not all about food.

There’s a subplot in which a teenage girl thinks her boyfriend is gay because he wants to hang around with his mates, so she does an elaborate dance to synth music in front of a mirror – by herself, we might add – in an attempt to scare him straight.

There’s another subplot in which a kid gets turned into a tree. That one puts new meaning into the phrase ‘wooden acting.’

So Bad It's Good?

It’s not bad. It’s one of the greatest comedies ever made.

You’ll find yourself rewinding it so many times (muttering “Did that actually just happen, or did someone spike my tea with acid again?”) that technically you’ll watch it twice the first time you see it.

And then you’ll watch it again, because it’s so freaking amazing.

If you buy it and don’t enjoy it, then you need awesome lessons and we don’t want to hang around with you anymore. It’s that simple.

It's so brilliantly bad that a documentary celebrating its awfulness was released in the States earlier this year, for which we are eternally grateful.

You can see the trailer for Best Worst Movie below.

Happily, it's showing at FrightFest, on Friday 28 at 12.00pm and Sunday 31 at 9.00pm.

The Documentary

Comments

    • minorityreport

      Aug 24th 2009, 12:48

      Great feature TF. I saw Chopping Mall recently and thought it was great fun, especially the nods to Roger Corman. But how have you missed Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers? That's got to be there.

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    • hughjass1970

      Aug 24th 2009, 21:12

      WTF is April Fools Day doing in this list?! The original is a classic compared to the by numbers DVD premiere remake. The twist in the orginal is part of it's charm.

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    • CatSchrodinger

      Aug 25th 2009, 0:01

      Ah! The Melting scene from Dead Heat - now we see where they got the idea for that F.A.S.T stroke-awareness campaign...

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    • Propaganja

      Aug 25th 2009, 13:28

      Has any of you ever seen S.S. Doomtrooper, that's a amusing bad horror flick. Or The Crow Wicked Prayer, which is even worse...

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    • espontaneo

      Aug 28th 2009, 19:25

      C'mon "The Stuff" is a great film! Well maybe not great, but it certainly has enough satirical content to raise it above the other dross on this list.

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    • oui3d

      Aug 28th 2009, 22:44

      Having just watched Treat Williams' bird melt all I could hear was him delivering the line "Now what?"

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    • LeisSuit

      Aug 29th 2009, 0:22

      Great list, but there are a few glaring omissions: -The Guardian: a Druid nanny sacrifices babies to a killer tree...classic bad movie! -Alone in the Dark: Tara Reid as an expert in ancient artifacts, and Christian Slater as the world's dumbest detective. -Deep Blue Sea: Samuel L. Jackson delivers his Best. Speech. EVER!!

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    • kc.sim@virgin.net

      Aug 29th 2009, 9:34

      two classics from the eighties stick out for me 1st Big meat eater 2nd the micro wave massacre with that great line "and i'll bring the snacks"

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    • ManMadeMonkey

      Aug 30th 2009, 18:26

      Brilliant feature, I will now have to hunt down every last one of these films to witness their genius with my own eyes. Thanks for the feature.

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    • welsh williams

      Aug 31st 2009, 14:37

      nostalgia overload, where was "Satan Little Helper" though??

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    • drhthomas

      Sep 1st 2009, 10:53

      Awesome list, some good oldies and even some new stuff to peruse. You failed to mention the greatest Alien rip off ever though XTRO - Part alien, part predator, all s**t! There's 3 of them too, thats hours no plotted, horribly acted terribleness, enjoy if you can find them.

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    • starwars4life

      Sep 5th 2009, 14:03

      Great list, but you missed out a major player - where's Twilight?

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