The 40 Greatest Movie Bastards

It's a love/hate thing. Deliciously nasty bad guys...

BY Dan Goodswen Jun 19th 2009 15:15PMFILED UNDER: Features

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24. Carter Burke (Paul Reiser) 

Aliens (1986)

Ah, the Yuppie. No.1 bastard stereotype of the ‘80s – and, according to Aliens writer/director James Cameron, of the late 22nd Century too. And what a fine example of Yuppiedom Burke is - smarmy, slimy, puts profits first, people second..

An entire colony of people in fact, after he knowingly exposes the inhabitants of LV-426 to a nest of Xenomorphs, just so he can bag the rights to a whole new breed of bio-weapon.

Prime Act Of Bastardy: Locking bug-hunter Riply (Sigourney Weaver) and cute kiddie Newt (Carrie Henn) in a room with a pair of spindly face-huggers – all so he can smuggle a pair of gestating baby aliens back to Earth.

23. Mr. Creosote (Terry Jones) 

Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life (1983)

This lumbering, chundering man-mammoth doesn’t have much screen-time to convey his immense spitefulness. But a prosthetics-slathered Terry Jones only needs a few minutes of profane grunting and indiscriminate spewing to make it clear that Creosote is the original Fat Bastard.

He does have a heart (we actually see it after a deadly ‘waffer-theen-mint’ gutsplosion), but it’s buried beneath too many sweaty folds of blubber to be of any use.

Prime Act Of Bastardy: As if coating a posh restaurant in vomit wasn’t enough, Creosote aims a sport of hot-stomach-chunks at the cleaning lady scrubbing the floor next to his table.

22. Hank Evans (Jim Carrey) 

Me, Myself & Irene (2000)

Mental-illness lobby groups were predictably indignant at the Farrely brothers’ decision to spin a split-personality disorder into a slapstick Jekyll and Hyde.

But Me, Myself & Irene’s real target is Dirty Harry, the obvious inspiration for repellent macho hardass Hank Evans. Merely fine as dopey state trooper Charlie Baileygates, Carrey’s in his element as the dildo-wielding, cow-slaying, lawn-defecating Hank.

In fact, Hank’s such a monstrous screen-hogger that the movie crumples whenever he’s not around.

Prime Act Of Bastardy: Pushing aside a baby to suckle from a breastfeeding mom and emerging, grinning, with a milk moustache.

21. Ethan Edwards (John Wayne) 

The Searchers (1956)

Yes, he’s had a hard life. Yes, his niece has been kidnapped by Injuns. And yes, the grimmest man in cowboy land needs to be tough in order to handle a 15-year hunt across the badlands.

But, dear Lord, does he have to be such a blue-ribbon bastard about it?

Prime Act Of Bastardy: Shooting out the eyes of a dead Comanche. Why? On the off-chance that a Red Skin superstition is true...

“What that Comanche believes: ain’t got no eyes, can’t enter the spirit land, has to wander forever between the winds.” Harsh.

Next: Sean Bateman, Percy Wetmore, Tuco...

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