The Career of Keanu Reeves

The Performance: Dracula/Speed/Matrix/Dangerous Liaisons/Sweet November etc.

We will however make a case for his performance in Point Break, mostly because a) Point Break is the greatest action film of all time (Bigelow is a goddess) and b) We always wanted a cool name like Johnny Utah.

The rest of his career is as creaky as moist floorboards though.

Why It’s Woody: The origins of the pyramids, Bigfoot, the Loch Ness monster and Keanu Reeves’s career - some of the great mysteries of the world, all of which are shrouded in conspiracy, conjecture and myth.

To discern exactly why Reeves is as emotive as park bench, you must think outside the pine box. The answer is simple – Keanu Reeves has no emotions.

There, it’s not that he can’t act, it’s that he’s not human.

If The Performance Was A Tree: Huarango - The Huarango is one of the hardest woods in the world, aka it is very, very dense. Sound familiar?

This tree is also nicknamed ‘the tree of life’ but it’s probably meant ironically. That ‘Alanis Morissette’ kind of ironic, perhaps. Or not.

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